A long trip
by accident prone
Summary: Lloyd ends up taking Kratos, Yuan, Colette, and Zelos along on the Exsphere quest. It was going to be a long trip. Pairings include KratosxYuan, and eventual LloydxZelos. Horrifically random. [Indefinite hiatus]
1. We're coming, too

**A/N: I was bored and pondering. This is, as you may all well know, a very dangerous combination. Anyways, I was thinking, hey, I should write something! And I…did. It's something random with a clichéd storyline…if it even has a storyline. But it has Zelos and Kratos and Yuan in it, so it'll be fun! Maybe. Oh, well, we'll see. Oh, and I don't own Tales of Symphonia. Or anything in it.**

**--**

Colette was freakishly excited about the upcoming Exsphere Quest.

"And we can name all the dogs!" she said excitedly.

"I'm pretty sure you named all the dogs in the world. Dad, I don't think we need five hundred lemon gels!" Lloyd said, staring at the overflowing bag Dirk had handed to him.

"You wanna be prepared, don't you?"

"Yeah, but lemon gels taste awful! Apple gels are way better."

Dirk glared with all the fury of an overprotective father. "Lemon gels are better for you."

"That's like saying I should take broccoli with me. Come on, Dad, I'm the one that'll probably have to be eating them!"

"Take the lemon gels!" Dirk barked.

"We're just gonna sell them in the next town we come to anyway!"

"IT'S A GIFT FROM YOUR FATHER NOW TAKE IT!"

"I DON'T NEED FIVE FUCKING HUNDRED!"

"IT'S ONLY FOUR HUNDRED! BESIDES, YOU DON'T HAVE A HEALER!"

"Miffy!" Colette said cheerily, causing both father and son to stare at her.

"What?" They spoke at the same time.

"This dog," she pointed, "Is named Miffy."

"He's already got a name," Lloyd said.

"Miffy?"

"No, Noishe. You should know that, Colette."

"Oh, right," she said, and giggled. Lloyd ran a hand through his hair. It was going to be a long trip.

"Are you sure you should take her along?" Dirk whispered. "She seems a bit mentally…off."

"So are all my friends. She's just more so. By…a lot. Besides, she's the only one not doing anything."

Dirk patted his arm. "I'm sorry."

Lloyd sighed and took the lemon gels. "Thanks for the lemon gels, dad. Maybe we'll finish them by the time we finish, however many years that may take. Come on, Colette, let's go."

"We'll name all the _cats _in the world!"

"Okay, Colette," Lloyd said, and walked out of his house—only to get knocked down by a flying (or rather, falling) angel.

"Tee hee hee!" Yuan giggled. "The world has many, many colors!"

"Get off me," Lloyd grumbled.

"Oh, Yuan, my love!" Kratos called. "I have brought you berries from Never-Never Land!"

"Another land with many, many colors," Yuan said wisely.

"Ooof," was all Lloyd could manage to say as the (other) teetering angel fell on top of him and Yuan. "Colette? Help?"

Colette was staring off into space.

"Colette!"

"Maybe I should name butterflies!" she said, running off to chase one. "Miffy! Here, Miffy! Here boy…or girl! Here, Miffy!"

"Butterflies are not dogs!" Lloyd screamed. "I'm getting crushed! I'm dying! HELP ME OUT HERE!"

"Llllllllllllllllloyd!" came the drunken cry. "I've mished you!"

"AHHHH!" Lloyd screamed as yet another body came crashing down on him. "S…so…much pain…"

"Here, Miffy!"

"GODDESS FUCKING DAMMIT, SOMEONE HELP ME!"

"I shall help you!" cried a certain redheaded ex-Chosen who had just fallen atop him. "Behold, my beautiful princess, as I rescue from the jaws of the dragon!"

"Okay, first? I'm not a princess! And second, it's not a _dragon_, it's two angels. Get them off me, okay?"

"Okay!" Zelos chirped, flinging both Kratos and Yuan off into the prickly bushes and hauling Lloyd up off the ground for a hug. "Bud! I've missed you!"

"Zelos, the point…of that exercise…was to…_save _me…" Lloyd gasped out.

"Miffyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!" Colette shrieked.

"Okay," Zelos said contentedly.

"You seemed pretty, uh, drunk a minute ago," Lloyd said cautiously.

"It's okay! I undrunked myself!"

"I don't think that's possible."

Zelos started laughing then, falling against our favorite red-clad hero as tears of mirth fell down his cheeks.

"Okay, I'm pretty sure you're _not _okay. Aren't you supposed to be doing Chosen-ish things or something?"

"They fired me!" Zelos managed through his laughter.

"Fired you?"

"They shaid—_said_—I was too drunk!"

Rubbing said redhead's back, Lloyd nodded and tried to contemplate this. "Okay. What are you doing here?"

"None of the ladies like me," Zelos sobbed suddenly.

"You are so drunk."

"I'm noooooooooooot!"

"You are," Lloyd disagreed, dragging the ex-Chosen in the house. "Come on."

"Oh, the birds," Yuan sang.

"I should probably bring them in, too," Lloyd mused as he tossed Zelos on the couch. "Seriously. Am I the only person that didn't get drunk?"

"I'm noooooooooooot drunk," Zelos mumbled.

"I didn't get drunk, Lloyd," Colette reminded him.

"You don't need to, Colette. Help me carry Kratos and Yuan, okay?"

"Okay!" she exclaimed, picking up each in one hand. "Now what?"

"Umm…take them inside…and stop making me lose confidence as a man."

"Okay!"

And she skipped into the house. Lloyd groaned. Why oh why did these things always have to happen to him?

"Urrgh…" Zelos groaned. "Bleeeeeeeeeeerch."

"Oh, Zelos! Not on the couch!" Looking at the rapidly spreading stain, Lloyd sighed yet again. Never, ever, ever, would he drink.

----

"Oh…shit, I have a hangover."

"You seemed pretty out of it," Lloyd said to his friend.

"Why am I _here_? I remember…" Zelos frowned, then admitted, "Well, nothing, really."

"That's probably not a good sign."

"Why am I…" Zelos suddenly looked horrified. "We didn't…did we?"

"If so," Lloyd solemnly, "I was too drunk to remember."

Zelos's look of horror increased tenfold.

"I'm _kidding_!"

"D…don't scare me like that!"

"Heheheh. But, no, really. Why are you here?"

Zelos had to think for that one. "I don't remember."

Lloyd sighed. "Oh boy."

"Lloyd, are we ready to go?" Colette asked.

"Uh, how's Dad and Yuan?"

"They're giggling and talking about unicorns named Daisy."

"That should be called Colette Syndrome," Zelos chimed in.

"Oh, shut up," Lloyd snapped.

"Don't _talk _so loud."

"Whatever. Their syndrome, by the way…it's called 'being drunk,' Zelos."

Zelos leaned back on the couch and rolled his eyes, showing quite plainly that he didn't care.

"Lloyd?" Colette said.

"Hmm?"

"Shouldn't we be going to get the Exspheres?"

"Oh…" Lloyd frowned. "I guess. I mean, they've been there for decades. I'm sure they won't just _disappear_, you know?"

"But there could be a sinister scheme being cooked up!"

"By who? The Desians have all been blown up. Mithos is dead. And the Renegades have an incompetent leader."

"Only usually," Zelos said.

Lloyd ignored that. "I figure we might as well wait until they wake up. Where are they?"

"In the bathtub," Colette said.

"We should probably move them somewhere more comf—"

"No, I mean they're in the bathtub. Taking a bath. Together. And giggling and talking about unicorns named Daisy."

"Oh," Lloyd managed.

"Yes," Colette said, nodding. "So, we can just g—"

"I REMEMBER WHAT I CAME HERE FOR!" Zelos burst out, then clutched his head. "Oh…ow."

"Then don't do stupid stuff," Lloyd said, half admonishing, half amused.

"Aw, come on, Bud," Zelos whined. "At the very least you could be interested in what I have to say!"

"Okay," Lloyd said resignedly. "Why did you come here?"

"Can I come?"

"Huh?"

"On the Exsphere quest. Pleeeeeeeease?" Zelos gave his best puppy dog impression.

"Miffy!" Colette said. She was ignored.

Lloyd scratched his head, genuinely surprised by the question. "Well, I…sure, why not? I mean…I just kind of expected you to be doing more…important things OOF! Zelos! Can't…breathe!"

Only tightening his grip on the younger, Zelos cheered, "Bud!"

"Going to be…_such_ a long trip…" Lloyd gasped. "Let's…go."

"Where are you going?" the uber badass voice of Kratos said. Lloyd looked up, and his eyes began to bleed. Somehow, being wrapped in only a towel sort of…dispels the image of badassness. Even for Kratos.

"Yeah, Lloyd," Yuan chimed in, walking in not wearing anything. "Where are you going?"

"PUT ON A TOWEL! PLEASE!" Lloyd shielded his eyes. "DEAR GODDESS MARTEL!"

"There was only one towel, and because Kratos is so much bigger—"

"LALALALA I CAN'T HEAR YOU!"

After studying Yuan for a moment, Zelos said, "Not bad, but mine's better. See?"

"NO!" Lloyd screamed, grabbing the redhead's hands before the pants could be yanked down. "Zelos, please!"

Zelos snickered. "Can we go now?"

"Uh, sure. Colette?"

Colette was staring wide-eyed at Yuan's you-know-what.

"She seems kind of, um…" Lloyd waved a hand in front of her face. "I think you guys killed her."

"Yayyy!" Zelos said. Lloyd glared at him, and Zelos said quickly, "I mean…oops?"

Lloyd shook his head. "You're terrible."

"Really, it's not our fault. She should have seen one of these by now, honestly," Yuan huffed.

"Will you _please _put on a towel!"

"Okay," Yuan said, grabbing Kratos's towel. Lloyd screamed and ran in the opposite direction…which happened to be into a wall.

"Smooth. Real smooth."

"Shut up, Zelos."

"We're coming, Lloyd," Kratos said.

"I…what?" Lloyd stared very intently at the wall.

"On your quest. We're coming."

"With clothes, I hope."

A huff of amusement. "Yes, Lloyd."

"Don't leave without us!" Yuan said.

"JUST GET DRESSED!"

There was the sound of feet, finally fading away.

"Are they gone?" Lloyd asked Zelos.

"Yeah."

"That's a relief." Lloyd sighed and turned towards the center of the room. "Oh…yeah, Colette. We should do something about her."

"Coming right up!" Zelos said, splashing cold water over her face.

"MIFFY!" Colette wailed, sitting straight up. "Oh! Lloyd, I had a horrible dream!"

"Really," Lloyd said, trying to feign interest.

"I dreamed…I dreamed all the doggies _died_!" At this point, she grabbed onto Lloyd's shirt and started bawling.

Lloyd sighed.

It was going to be a _really _fucking long trip.

--

**A/N: I kinda have nothing to say. Other than, uh, yeah. Kratos is here. NOT on DK. Because, you know, it's be rather hard to help his "darling" son on an Exsphere quest if he was on DK.**

**Wow…I have nothing else to say. Reviews do make me happy. Hint, hint…**


	2. To Triet we go

**Colette: Where am I?**

**Me: In my lair. (cackle) I needed a muse.**

**Colette: Why?**

**Me: Boredom. I don't know. Anyway, I want it to be painfully obvious that I hate you.**

**Colette: Really? Why?**

**Me: Who knows? I didn't used to hate you, but you were so annoying by the third playthrough that I enjoyed imagining your head severed and placed on a stake.**

**Colette: Is that healthy?**

**Me: Probably not. And you know, you actually seem tolerable right now. Maybe my brain just made you tolerable.**

**Colette: Oh, I'm so glad.**

**Me: The moment passed. Just so you know, you'll probably be bashed a lot in this story.**

**Colette: Why?**

**Me: Because I hate you. Now disclaim me already.**

**Colette: What you?**

**Me: Gah, you're as stupid as Lloyd! Fine, I'll do it myself! I don't own ANYTHING!!**

**Colette: What about dogs? I like dogs. And puppies. They make me happy.**

**Me: …**

**Me: Anyway. I don't know whether I like this chapter or not, but…oh well. Try to enjoy!**

Kratos looked homicidal. Of course, the constant complaints from Zelos about how the heat in the Triet desert was making him sweaty, gross, and giving him sticky hair probably didn't help. Or Lloyd's proclamations that he was bored of this stupid desert. Or Colette's complaining about how there were almost _no _dogs in the desert.

"'M gonna die…" Lloyd mumbled.

Kratos's right eye twitched. "Lloyd."

"It's too _hot _in the desert!" he complained.

"I know, right? Look at this hair!" Zelos grabbed a handful of red locks. "This is ridiculous."

"Yes," Kratos said in a deadly calm voice, "it is. Now, if you don't want any decapitations, I suggest you fall silent."

They fell silent. Yuan started drooling.

_So…hot…_

"Dad, Yuan's staring at you and drooling."

Kratos glanced back at Yuan, who was daydreaming about what he'd like to be doing right now. He suddenly giggled.

"That's probably not a good sign, huh?" Zelos said.

"Kratos!" Yuan said, suddenly breaking out of the daydream and wiping some drool from his face.

"Yes?" The seraph asked, looking amused.

"Next time we have to walk somewhere can it be a forest? With lots and lots of private places? And make it secluded. Really secluded."

"Why?" Kratos said.

"Oh, no reason. No reason at all. Hey, Colette, look, a dog!"

"Where!"

"Oh my mistake."

"Waaaaaaaaaah!"

"That was mean," Kratos told Yuan, who was cackling.

"Oh, but so worth it."

"Are we there _yet_?" Lloyd demanded.

"No," Kratos said shortly, and they resumed walking.

---------

"That took foreeeeeeeever!" Zelos complained.

"The Triet desert always feels ten times bigger than it actually is," Lloyd said as they entered the inn.

"Aaaagh!" Zelos gasped. "It's even hotter in here! Haven't they ever heard of air conditioning?"

"This is as Sylvarant city," Lloyd gasped, moving to stand directly in front of one of the many fans blowing away. "Ahhhh."

"No fair, you're hogging it."

"Stop fooling around, you two," Kratos said. Lloyd and Zelos scowled and moved to join him at the front desk.

"They at least have cold showers, right?"

"Of course not," Lloyd responded. "It's a Sylvarant city for one. And for another…it's Triet. Their only source of water is the oasis."

After a moment, Zelos said, "I guess we can't go swimming in the oasis, huh?"

"Nope."

"There are dogs here!" Colette said excitedly, coming in.

"Special," Lloyd said wearily, running a hand through his hair. "Gah. We should have just skipped this place."

"You two are sharing a room," Kratos said to Lloyd and Zelos, handing them the key. "There's only one bed, so—"

"DIBS ON THE BED!!" they both yelled at the same time.

"I was first," Lloyd growled.

"You were not."

"I was too."

"Was not."

"Rock paper scissors."

"Fine."

They threw their hands.

"What the hell is that?" Zelos demanded, pointing at Lloyd's two outstretched fingers.

"My swords that I beat the crap out of you with if you don't let me have the bed."

"Oh yeah? Well this is a boulder coming down to crush you!"

"Well, _this _is the Sorcerer's Ring when we're in the Toize Valley Mi—"

"Just go," Kratos ground out. "And don't bother us until very, very late in the day."

With that, he dragged Yuan up the stairs and into their room. There were three very decisive clicks, then a few thumps.

"I wonder why he said that," Colette said.

"Yeah," Lloyd said thoughtfully.

"Oh, you know," Zelos said, poking Lloyd playfully. "They're playing _games_."

Lloyd blinked. "Games? Like chess?"

"Ah, Lloyd. Your stupidity is what makes you cute."

"What do you mean, _stupidity_? I just asked a question!" Lloyd said defensively, following Zelos up the stairs. "I mean, serious! I didn't exactly tell us what kind of 'games' he'd be playing with Yuan!"

Zelos did a something between a laugh, cough, and snort. It was an interesting noise.

"Maybe it was a really _intense _game of chess," Colette said.

To both Lloyd and Colette's confusion, the ex-Chosen burst out laughing. "Oh yeah," he agreed between cackles. "It's intense, all right."

"Mm…hm." Lloyd nodded like he understood. "I see."

Zelos unlocked his room and stepped inside. "Goddess, it's hot in here."

"Gah!" Lloyd gasped upon entering. "I'm…getting a heat stroke…"

"Don't die, Lloyd!" Zelos pleaded.

"I'm not dead."

"That's good."

"I can't believe it's actually colder outside."

"I know."

A window was opened. It didn't help.

"I'm going outside," Lloyd said. "It's horrible in here."

"Yeahhh," Zelos said, unable to think of anything else to say.

As they passed by Colette's room, they noticed she was passed out on the floor. Both shrugged at the sight and continued on.

----------

**Colette: Why did you make me pass out?**

**Me: I don't know. I guess I kind of felt merciful.**

**Colette: Merciful?**

**Me: Yeah. And I decided that having you die off this early on might cause some problems.**

**Colette: Might?**

**Me: Eh, yeah. I don't know. I don't have this planned out at all. I was literally, like, hey, I should write another LloydxZelos story! And…yeah, this happened. I'm just kind of winging it.**

**Colette: Oh…**

**Me: Oh, yeah. And peoples…I know this is basically random. That's because I am basically random. Yeah. If you can't take randomness, too BAD! Because this is gonna be random anyways!**

**Colette: Do we get to see more dogs?**

**Me: Spoiler alert…dogs die.**

**Colette: (gasp) NO!! (starts sobbing)**

**Me: Just kidding.**

**Colette: Waaaaaaaaaah!**

**Me: That felt wayyyy too good. I'm scaring myself. Oh well. Reviews help me update faster. Fun fact time! Skittle-Scattle's threat to send me pictures of a bubbly Marta and Colette scared me enough to actually finally get this written. I respond well to threats…weird.**


	3. Math Mania and more fun stuff

**Marta: What the heck is this place?**

**Me: Hello, Marta…muahaha…AHHHH HAHAHAHAH!**

**Marta: Okay, you're kind of creeping me out now.**

**Me: You know what creeps me out? YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT CREEPS ME OUT?**

**Marta: What?**

**Me: You. You're creepy.**

**Marta: Creepy? No I'm not! What are you talking about?**

**Me: And I hate you.**

**Marta: But…why?**

**Me: Beats me. You just annoy me, a lot. Kinda like Colette, you know?**

**Marta: Colette is such a—**

**Me: I know, right?**

**Marta: --nice person. As long as she doesn't take my Emil from me!**

**Me: I hate you.**

**Marta: You're just jealous because I have Emil!**

**Me: I really don't think I could be jealous of something like that…**

**Marta: YOU MUST NEVER INSULT HIM!**

**Me: Oh, come on. Your clinginess is really annoying. You know that, right?**

**Marta: Emil doesn't think so…**

**Me: Pff. Dream on. Aaaaaaaaaaaaanyways, I thought it'd be fun to invite all the people I hate here so I can cause them pain and such.**

**Marta: Invite? You didn't invite me, you ABDUCTED ME RIGHT BEFORE EMIL AND I WERE ABOUT TO—**

**Me: You're so creepy. I do NOT need to know that. Disclaim me.**

**Marta: Disclaim you? You hate me!**

**Me: Yes, exactly. And I will put YOU in the way of the lawyers if they come for me! AHAHAHAH!**

**Marta: She owns nothing. Not even me.**

**Me: Thank whatever gods are out there for that.**

**Marta: Grrrrr.**

**Me: Enjoy!**

**

* * *

**

Each one had always had an easy time staring anyone else down. However, when you've know someone for over 4000 years, it is noteasy to stare _them _down.

"Colette," Kratos said firmly. Decisively.

"Zelos."

"Colette."

"Zelos."

"Lloyd's known Colette longer. And did you see how protective he was of her?"

"Well, Zelos isn't blonde!" Yuan shot back from his place on the bed. "And I'm pretty sure Lloyd prefers redheads. And besides, Zelos isn't a ditz who can trip even while flying."

"I'll give you that," Kratos allowed. "However, I still know my son better than you do."

"Obviously not well _enough_. I'm telling you, Kratos, Lloyd will be sleeping with Zelos by the time this journey is over."

"He'll be sleeping with Colette," Kratos scoffed.

"Zelos!"

"Colette!"

"Zelos!"

"Colette!"

"I'll _bet_ you!" Yuan screamed.

"Fine. This is a bet I won't lose."

"Oh, just like you didn't lose the one that involved whether or not Mithos would notice if we dyed his hair purple while he was asleep!"

"That was different! This is about my son!"

"Zelos didn't hide anything from Lloyd!"

"Except for the minor fact that he was an angel, a traitor, knew me, and—"

"Well…" Yuan considered that. "At least he didn't lie about whether he was going to die or not."

"He _wasn't _going to die."

"Exactly!"

"Yuan…" Kratos rubbed his head. "He invited Colette to go on the journey with him."

"Only because she was the only one available. Or so he thought."

"Hmm. Well, we shall see."

"So we shall."

* * *

"Hi, Lloyd!" Colette chirped.

"Nngh. I thought you were passed out on the floor."

"Not anymore! What are you doing?"

"Nngh."

"Hi, Lloyd!" Zelos chirped.

"Hi, Zelos."

"What are you doing?"

"_Homework_."

Zelos burst out laughing. Colette glared at Zelos, picturing him quite, quite dead. Not that she was jealous or anything.

"You're doing homework? What kind? Can I see?"

"It's math."

"MATH!" Zelos's eyes went all sparkly. "What kind of math, Lloyd?"

"What kind? Uh, I dunno, just math, I guess."

Zelos gaped. "_Just math_? HOW CAN YOU SAY SUCH A THING, LLOYD? MATH IS AMAZINGLY AWESOME AND BEAUTIFUL AND FANTASTIC!"

Colette and Lloyd stared at the ex-Chosen. Colette backed away a little.

"Whoa…calm down there, Zelos. It's just math."

"Lloyd!" Zelos's eyes were still all sparkly. "Do you know how many kinds of math there are?"

"One kind. The annoying kind."

"That kind doesn't exist," Zelos said. "There's geometry! And algebra! And calculus! And…and…"

"I kind of don't care, Zelos."

Lloyd should have known better. He had, after all, been dealing with a Maniac for a good portion of his life. He forgot the one most important rule of dealing with a maniac of any kind, whether it be Mithos's Martel Mania, or Raine's Ruin Mania, or now Zelos's Math Mania, you must never _ever _insult or show anything but fascination for the subject of this person's mania.

"HOW CAN YOU NOT CARE?" Zelos wailed, grabbing Lloyd's shoulders and hauling the teenager from the ground, shaking him. "IT'S MATH! MATH IS GREAT!"

"It…it is?"

"YES!"

"You're right! Okay! I agree! Stop shaking me!"

"Oh, Lloyd!" Lloyd was suddenly pulled into a tight hug.

"Gaaack," Lloyd said.

"I'm so glad you've seen the beauty of math!"

"Uh…uh huh."

"It's beautiful."

"I believe you."

"And fantastic."

"Sure."

"And GREAT!"

"Okay."

"And gorgeous, and amazing, and beautiful (though not as beautiful as me), and wondrous, and…"

"Breathe, Zelos," Lloyd instructed.

"But I…I just love math so much!"

"Oh, good! Then can you do my math homework for me?"

"Okay!" Zelos immediately let go of Lloyd and grabbed the thick math booklet in his hands, opening it. "LLOYD! HOW COULD YOU?!"

"What? How could I what?"

"YOU'VE ALREADY DONE ONE OF THE PROBLEMS!"

"I…oh. Sorry."

"Give me an eraser!"

Lloyd wordlessly handed his crazy friend an eraser. "Have fun, Zelos."

"I'll help, too!" Colette said.

"NEVER!" Zelos screamed. "I'LL NEVER GIVE UP THIS MATH BOOKLET! NEVERRRRRRRRR!"

And with that, he threw Colette out the window. Lloyd stared.

"Ahh," Zelos sighed in contentment. "Peace and quiet."

"You just killed Colette!"

"No, no, she can fly, remember?"

"I hope she's all right," Lloyd said.

Zelos growled.

"I went through _wayyy _too much crap keeping her alive to let her die here," Lloyd said. "I mean, seriously! I had to walk all across Sylvarant, I had to steal Rheairds from a 4000 year old crazie, I had to go to another world, I had to almost get executed, and go through a forest where the Sorcerer's Ring talked to animals, and it all sucked! If she dies here, I am going to be _so _pissed off."

"Oh," Zelos said, blinking.

"Don't you have math to do?"

"MATH!" Zelos exclaimed, eyes going as sparkly as they did the time he was lucky enough to catch Lloyd in his underwear. "I love math."

"I gathered."

* * *

Raine was more than a little surprised to receive Lloyd's math booklet back—_finished, _even—a single day after she'd given it to him. Her eyes narrowed as she surveyed the work. What the—_it was all done correctly_!

She paced, feeling more than a little suspicious. "This can't be right," the schoolteacher muttered. Clearly, Lloyd had cheated. But as far as she knew, the only person with Lloyd was Colette, and Colette always wrote in the back of her book "I LOVEZ DOGGIES!"

That was it! She would check the back of the book. If it said "I LOVEZ DOGGIES!" a few hundred times, then Colette had helped him cheat. If not…if not, then how _had _Lloyd succeeded in finishing his math so quickly? Granted, Colette was not _smart_, but she was at least _capable _of doing her schoolwork.

And so she opened to the back of the book.

And what she saw there was:

I LOVEZ LLOYDIE! I LOVEZ LLOYDIE! I LOVEZ LLOYDIE! I LOVEZ LLOYDIE! I LOVEZ LLOYDIE! I LOVEZ LLOYDIE! I LOVEZ LLOYDIE! I LOVEZ LLOYDIE! I LOVEZ LLOYDIE! I LOVEZ LLOYDIE! I LOVEZ LLOYDIE! I LOVEZ LLOYDIE!

She …'ed, as Kratos so often does, feeling rather confused. What?

Then, at the bottom, a note she had missed. She squinted at it. The text was scrunched in a tiny area. The only area left after all the "I LOVEZ LLOYDIE"'s.

p.s. more math next time. and harder. from not zelos.

"From not Zelos?" She squinted again. Yes, she had read that correctly.

She sighed. Well, she could hardly leave her student math-less, could she?

* * *

Kratos glared at Lloyd and Zelos, who smiled back at him innocently.

"She has a broken arm."

"Oh really?" Zelos said. "Too bad! I guess we'll just have to leave her behind then!"

"In fact, it appears that she may have fallen from a second story window."

"ZELOS DID IT!" Lloyd screamed suddenly. "NOT ME! IT WAS ZELOS!"

"TRAITOR!" Zelos wailed. "LLOYD, I FRIGGIN' TRUSTED YOU, DAMMIT!"

"I'M SORRY! I'M SORRY! BUT HE WAS GIVING ME THE GLARE!"

"LLOOOOOYD!" Zelos sobbed.

Choosing to ignore them, Kratos continued, "I left her in her room for five minutes when I went to get her some food. When I returned—"

"Wait, wait, wait. How come you never get _us _food?" Zelos protested, seemingly back to normal.

"Neither of you have been thrown from a second story window. Now, when I returned—"

"So, suppose, hypothetically, we were thrown from a second story window," Zelos said, leaning back, dangerously close to the open window. "Would you get us our food then?"

"No," Kratos said flatly.

"Oh," Zelos said, edging away from the window.

"Now, if I may continue."

"Sure, sure."

"When I returned, Colette was missing."

"Well, I didn't kill her," Lloyd said. "I spent enough time trying to keep her alive, thank you."

"I didn't either," Zelos said. "I showed a lot of self-control there. I didn't even tell her that there were dogs at the bottom of a cliff, but you had to not use your wings and jump off before they'd appear. Hmm, I've got to use that one sometime. It's pretty good."

"Do either of you know where she is?" Kratos snapped.

Both shook their heads.

Kratos sighed. "I see. Get some sleep. We're staying here tonight."

"I kind of gathered, considering we bought rooms here."

Kratos glared at the redhead, who squeaked.

"Sorry, sorry!"

"Good," said the seraph, and he departed from the room. Lloyd and Zelos looked at each other.

"Checkers?" Zelos suggested, pulling a checkers board out of nowhere.

* * *

**Marta: You ended this horribly.**

**Me: Shut up. At least I didn't end on a cliffhanger. **

**Marta: Yes you did! Something could have happened to Colette!**

**Me: Something did happen to Colette. It's just that no one knows what.**

**Marta: Oh.**

**Me: Now, a cliffhanger would be something like oh no! Colette's about to get eaten by a giant monst—actually, no. No one would care if she got eaten by a giant monster. They'd probably be cheering.**

**Marta: That's horrible!**

**Me: Now, if that happened to Lloyd, or Zelos, or Kratos, or Yuan. Then they would be all OMG NOOOO!**

**Marta: So, are you going to do that?**

**Me: I kind of doubt it, but maybe. If I run out of horrible things to happen to them. Or great things. It aaaaaall depends.**

**Marta: On what?**

**Me: On my boredom level. Anyway, I have a sort of cliffy about who'll win the bet, whether it's Kratos or Yuan.**

**Marta: But didn't you say in the summary that there'd be an eventual LloydxZelos? And a one-sided ColettexLloyd?**

**Me: …**

**Me: I hate you.**

**Marta: Oh…**

**Me: Maybe I'll put your head on a stake along with Colette's.**

**Marta: WHAT?!**

**Me: I'm kidding, I'm kidding! Sheesh. Okay, reviewers, your reviews are awesome. I did NOT expect to get as many reviews last chapter as I did, so, yeah. The fact that I got, like, twice as many is probably part of the reason why I felt so inspired. So…I don't think I need to say more. Other than…MARTA, DIEEEEEE!**

**Marta: Aaaaaaaah! Emil, help!**

**Me: (evil cackle)**


	4. The return of Colette

**Me: Hi.**

**Lloyd: WTF?!**

**Me: I'm in search of a muse…**

**Lloyd: So you called **_**me **_**here?**

**Me: Should I call Zelos?**

**Lloyd: What—no!**

**Me: Too late!**

**Zelos: Helloooo to all my hunnys! …huh? Where are…all the girls?**

**Me: I'm a girl…**

**Zelos: HAHAHA!**

**Me: …I don't like you right now. BUT YOU'RE ONE OF MY FAVORITEST CHARACTERS, SO MY LOVE WILL STAY INTACT! DESPITE YOUR ASSHOLINESS RIGHT NOW!**

**Zelos: O.O**

**Lloyd: Psst. She's crazy.**

**Zelos: Yeah…yeah, she is.**

**Me: Shut up, you two, or I'll call Raine in to bitchslap you guys.**

**Lloyd: Man…**

**Me: Anyhoo, I was going to just keep calling in people I hate as muses because then I could cause them immense amounts of pain.**

**Lloyd: Wait, wasn't Colette here?**

**Me: Yeah, now she's in the trash can. In pieces. Hehehe. Along with Marta, of course.**

**Lloyd: WHAT?!**

**Me: I'm kidding, I'm kidding! Sheesh. Anyways, I realized that I don't really hate that many people…just Marta and Colette. And I'm already showing my hate for Colette in this fic. And, um…yeah, I might get bored killing people. That'd be bad.**

**Zelos: You're kind of…violent.**

**Me: I know, I know! It's because it's late at night!**

**Lloyd: I…well…hmm. So, why are we your muses now?**

**Me: Well, think about it. The only Symphonia peoples left are Kratos, Raine, Regal, Genis, and Presea. Oh, and Sheena. Right? Well, Kratos is kind of silent, Raine would slap me, Genis would make fun of me, Presea is also kind of silent, and Regal is (to me at least) a boring old man. And Sheena might slap me, too…**

**Lloyd: What about Yuan? Or MITHOS? ANYONE BUT US! PLEASE!**

**Me: Yuan has a very large sword…and he might kill me if I steal his friggin' awesome cape. And Mithos is kind of…eh. Crazy.**

**Zelos: So are you. You'd make a cute couple, right?**

**Me: I'm…gonna…be…sick.**

**Zelos: All right! Mission accomplished! Come on, Lloyd, let's go.**

**Lloyd: Yeah!**

**Me: W…wait! You have to…disclaim me!**

**Silence…**

**Me: Dammit. Ok, ok, I don't own Tales of Symphonia…grumble. Zelos is going to pay…and I'm not sure if I like this chapter…meh. Whatever.**

* * *

"NOOOOOOO! NOT AGAIN!" Lloyd sobbed, smacking his face against the checkers board. "HOW COULD I LOSE AGAIN?!

Zelos sipped at his coffee. "Shall we go again?"

Lloyd pouted. "Okay. I can't tell how you keep winning."

Zelos grinned widely. "Black or red?"

"Red," Lloyd said instantly. Big shocker, huh?

Zelos set up the pieces and took the first move.

"Did you move?" Lloyd asked sleepily, rubbing at his eyes.

"Mmmmmnope." Zelos moved three more pieces. "There we go."

Lloyd yawned. "Okay." He reached out and took a piece—Zelos's piece—and moved it forward. "Your move…"

Zelos moved another piece, smirking.

Five minutes later, Lloyd stared at the board. "How can this _be_?"

Zelos chose to say nothing.

"You…you cheated!" Lloyd said suddenly.

Zelos widened his eyes. "Me?" he asked innocently.

"Yes, you. How else could you win?" Lloyd yawned. "Mannn…"

And it had nothing to do with the fact that they'd been played checkers for the past seven hours, long after everyone else had fallen asleep. It had nothing to do with the fact that Zelos had coffee…while Lloyd did not. Nope. Had nothing to do with that at all.

Of course, even with the five…or six…or seventeen…cups of coffee Zelos had had, even he was starting to feel the beginnings of exhaustion.

"Lloyd," Zelos said.

"I won't fall asleep until I beat you at checkers," Lloyd mumbled, chin resting on his hand, head drooping closer and closer to the ground with every moment.

"Aw, come on, Lloyd. You know it's impossible."

"No, it's…" A yawn. "…not…"

And he fell, asleep.

On top of Zelos.

"Oh, _yessssssssss_!" Zelos whispered, pumping his fist in the air silently. "Yes! Yes! Yes!"

And with that, he yawned loudly, head falling to the ground as well.

_Nooo, _he thought in despair. _I can't fall asleep _now_! Must…get…coffee…_

But it was too late. He was out.

* * *

When Kratos went to wake the boys up, they didn't reply to his polite (yet badass) knock on the door.

He paused, then entered.

And saw his son sleeping on the Tethe'allan playboy.

He paled. A lot.

_No! Yuan can't be right! I refuse to accept that he would be right!_

He took a breath, then bellowed "GET UP!"

"Ahhhh!"

"Aaaaah!"

Both jerked up, suddenly waking up, faces smacking into each other, throwing them both back.

"Ow…"

"Ouch…"

It was about then that they noticed the, um, position they were in.

"This isn't what it looks like," Lloyd reassured his father, trying to detangle himself from the other. "Dammit, Zelos, what's with your pants? They're all floofy and tangelful!"

"Well, sorry my _pants _don't meet with your approval."

"It's okay. They just look dumb. And, uh, Zelos?"

"_Dumb_? My pants are not du—"

"Why is your hand on my butt?"

"Oh, I…uh…it just…slipped. Yeah. Whoops!" Zelos laughed nervously at the look Kratos was giving him. "What? It happens! I'm sorry, okay?"

"It's okay," Lloyd assured him.

"No, it is not," Kratos growled. "Why were you two still asleep, anyhow? I thought I made it clear I wanted to leave _early _in the morning."

"We were up late!" Lloyd protested.

"Yeah!" Zelos agreed earnestly. "Really late! We were playing games! It got pretty intense."

_Must…not…kill…Chosen…ah, whatever._

"No! Bad Kratos! Bad!"

Yuan jumped on Kratos from behind as Kratos lunged at Zelos.

"Is it so bad to be playing checkers?" Lloyd asked cluelessly.

Yuan snorted. "Did I win yet?"

"NO!" Kratos said.

"The only problem, Lloyd," Zelos said solemnly, "is that your old man, here, has a bit of a dirty mind."

Lloyd studied Kratos. "Oh," he said.

"_I _have a dirty mind? YOU DID THAT ON PURPOSE!"

"Kratos," Yuan coaxed. "You need coffee, remember?"

"Is he always like this in the morning?" Lloyd murmured.

"Only before coffee," Yuan said, dragging Kratos down the stairs. "It's worst when he has a hangover."

Lloyd nodded dumbly, and the two of them followed Yuan and Kratos downstairs.

"Coffee," Kratos mumbled.

"Right here," Yuan said, pushing the cup in front of Kratos. "It's the last coffee we have. Which is strange, because I could have _sworn _I packed enough coffee to last for at least a month."

Zelos laughed nervously. "But…we don't have to worry about that! Right? We'll just go to Flanoir or something…"

"Chosen," Kratos growled. "Flanoir is at the edge of a snowy continent that is _across the sea._ We can't get there easily."

"Oh…yeah…"

"Palmacosta might have some," Lloyd offered.

"That's what I'm talking about!" Zelos squealed. "That's why I _love _you, Lloyd!"

And lo and behold, Lloyd was glomped.

"Must not kill," Kratos muttered under his breath.

"Oh hush," Yuan said. "You're just jealous I'm right."

Zelos grinned. "Yuan is such a housewife."

Yuan turned to the ex-Chosen, scowling. "I am not."

"I'm imagining you in an aaaapron," Zelos sang.

"That's it! THUNDER BLADE!"

"Nooooooooo!"

"Are there any muffins?" Lloyd asked Kratos, whose head had naturally gravitated to the table.

* * *

Zelos glared at Yuan. "That was _entirely _your fault!"

"You called me a housewife!"

"You _Thunder Bladed _me!"

Lloyd sighed. "And I didn't even get a muffin."

"You want a donut?" Zelos offered.

"It's okay."

"Are we going to get kicked out of every inn we stay at?" Kratos groaned.

"Well, it wasn't my fault," Yuan huffed.

"Hmm," Kratos said.

"Hey, doesn't it feel freakishly comfortable and un-annoying?" Zelos asked suddenly.

"Now that you mention it…" Lloyd frowned.

There was a moment of pondering. Heads were slapped.

"We forgot about _Colette_!" Lloyd gasped.

"Oops," Zelos said. "Oh well! We can just go now, right?"

Lloyd put his hands on his hips and raised a brow.

"Oh yeah, about that," Yuan said. "We found out where she is."

Zelos groaned. "Man, you guys."

"Where is she?" Lloyd asked.

"In the old Renegade base."

A silence.

"Why?" Zelos burst out. "Did she see a butterfly or something?"

Yuan shrugged. "Who knows? I _would _have gone in and gotten her, but Kratos was trying to get me to go to bed, and he was very _persuasive._"

"I did NOT need to hear that," Lloyd cried.

"Well, I'm going to be more persuasive tonight," Kratos said briskly, "so we'd best get to an inn before night falls. That means we have to get at least to Izoold by tonight, especially considering you two"—here he glared—"got us kicked out of the inn. And we are _not _leaving without Colette."

"Sorry," Yuan and Zelos mumbled as Lloyd continued gagging.

"Onward, then," Kratos said, and they were off.

* * *

"Yay, a butterfly!" Colette said, chasing after it. "Let's name it Muffy!"

"Okay," the unspeakably evil person of evilness said agreeably.

Colette grabbed the butterfly in his hands. "Hi, Muffy!"

Muffy oozed a poisonous gas and Colette died.

Just kidding. I wish. She just let Muffy go, and Muffy, who was scarred for life, flew away.

"Who are you?" Colette finally asked the unspeakably evil person of evilness.

"I'm am the Goddess Martel's evil twin sister. I'm older by three years."

Colette found nothing strange about this, being Colette. "Martel had a sister?"

"Oh, yeah," said the unspeakably evil person of evilness, waving a hand. "All good guys have evil twins. Unfortunately, Mithos killed and ate me."

"Oh my."

"Yes, well, it happens."

"But you're here now, right?"

"Yeah, apparently."

"What's your name?"

"Uhh…Letram? That's Martel backwards…and, man, it sounds stupid. Forget that. Let's just leave it at I'm evil."

"Okay," said Colette.

"I am the Goddess that gives ditziness to all girls and boys."

"Okay."

"You got a bit too much of it, I see."

"Oops!"

"Way a bit too much."

"I'm sorry."

The goddess's eye twitched. "Shut up. You're starting to annoy me."

"Oh, I'm sorry!"

"DON'T APOLOGIZE."

"I'm sorry!"

And Colette was thrown through the ceiling.

* * *

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!"

"Did you hear something?" Lloyd asked Zelos.

"You mean other than that scream of terror?"

"Yeah."

"Nope."

"Oh, okay. Kratos, aren't we out of this desert yet?"

"Lloyd, does it look like we're out of this des—"

"LLOYD HELP!" Colette's scream came as she came hurtling through the earth at him. He moved out of the way and she smacked face first in the hot sand.

"Lloyd," Kratos muttered. "I think you were supposed to catch her, not just let her fall."

"I wasn't going to be the one to break her fall," Lloyd said defensively.

"Ow," Colette whined.

"Great, can we get to the Ossa Trail now?" Zelos asked.

Kratos grumbled. "Fine."

It was obvious he would have to give his son lessons on how to treat a lady…

* * *

**Zelos: Why doesn't Lloyd just ask me for advice about ladies?**

**Me: Lloyd's too dense to ask anyone.**

**Zelos: I could give great advice.**

**Me: (cough) I'm…sure you could.**

**Lloyd: So who's your next muse?**

**Me: You guys again!**

**Zelos and Lloyd: WHAT?!**

**Me: Well, you guys are my favoritest characters EVER, so yeah. And while you're my favoritest characters, I also like causing you pain. So…**

**Lloyd: Wait, wait, wait. You WHAT?**

**Me: So, if I'm ever in a bad mood, I can take it out on you! And then. Zelos can cast Healing Wind or whatever so I won't feel bad about hurting you.**

**Lloyd: But…this is…THIS IS CHILD ABUSE!**

**Me: Okay…deal with it! Oh, yeah, and since you guys are gonna be my muses, guess what you get to do?**

**Zelos: What?...**

**Me: YOU GET TO GO TO MUSE EDUCATION SCHOOL!!! YOU GET TO LEARN ALL ABOUT BEING A MUSE!**

**Lloyd: NO! I don't wanna study!**

**Me: Too bad! Bwahaha! Ohh, I'm so evil…and tired. I'm going to sleep.**

**Zelos: Well, that was sudden…**

**Me: Reviews…**

**Lloyd: What?**

**Me: Need…reviews…to…live…they also pay for Zelos and Lloyd's Muse Education School tuition! It's not cheap, you know!**

**Zelos: Don't review! Don't review!**

**Me: Otherwise it comes out of their pockets.**

**Zelos: Review.**

**Me: Thank you, Zelos.  
**


	5. The Ossa Trail and the Sword Dancer

**Lloyd: Do I really have to be a muse?**

**Me: Yyyyyep. Because you're awesome. And you wear red.**

**Lloyd: Well…Zelos wears pink!**

**Me: Whatever. Just disclaim me.**

**Lloyd: (sigh) accident prone doesn't own Tales of Symphonia or its characters. Otherwise Colette would have died a painful death and Zelos and I probably would have—**

**Me: OKAY THAT'S ENOUGH THANKS ENJOY THE STORY!**

**Lloyd: What?**

**Me: (grumble) You obviously need more muse education…I actually kind of like this chapter. You know, in case anyone cares…**

* * *

"I like butterflies!" Colette said randomly as they walked along the Ossa Trail.

"Did we _have _to rescue her?" Zelos muttered.

"We didn't rescue her," Lloyd reminded him. "She was flung in our direction."

"Man…"

And meanwhile, Yuan and Kratos argued once again.

"Colette!"

"Zelos!"

"Colette!"

"Zelos! Did you see Lloyd catch Colette? DID YOU?"

"He obviously feels awkward about his feelings for her."

"What feelings? The feelings of annoyance?"

Kratos glared. "I'm going to win this bet."

"Sure. Sure."

"Oops!" Colette said, tripping and falling in the very same hole Sheena had once, long ago.

Everyone stared as she plummeted to her death. Hopefully.

"Oh well," Lloyd said. "Whatever."

"I could have sworn that was closed a minute ago," Kratos said, narrowing his eyes. Zelos backed away from the switch.

"Oh, well, uh…you know Colette!" He grinned. "Can we just leave her?"

"No!" Kratos snapped.

"You're just afraid I'll win," Yuan said.

"No, I am not."

"Are too."

"I am not."

"Are too."

"I'm—"

"ARE TOO!" Yuan yelled childishly. "ARE TOO!"

Kratos groaned. "Yuan…"

"Let's go," Lloyd said to Zelos, and they continued on ahead while Kratos and Yuan argued.

"Do you think we could get away with leaving Colette behind?" Zelos asked.

Lloyd considered that, then shook his head. "I doubt it."

"Man…how come you invited her, again?"

"I _thought _she was the only one free!" Lloyd snapped. "If you'd just said, 'hey, I can go!' then _maybe _we wouldn't be dealing with this!"

"Well, sorry!"

"Hmph."

They walked in silence for a bit, during which Zelos wondered whether Lloyd was actually mad or not.

"Hey, Zelos."

That answered that. "Yeah?"

"Just before we left, when you were drunk, you said something about getting _fired _as Chosen."

"Did I?" Zelos said absently. "Well, I wasn't. I just kind of…ran off."

"What!" Lloyd stared at his friend. "Then you…_they don't know where you are_?"

Zelos grinned and shook his head. "Nope!"

"So I could be _charged with kidnapping a Chosen_?"

"No, no, of course not," Zelos assured him. "First off, I'm not Chosen anymore, so you'd be charged with kidnapping an _ex_-Chosen."

"Oh, and that's so much better!"

"Hey, now, hunny. Don't get all hysterical. If it came down to it, I'd get you out of jail, no problemo."

Lloyd stared at him. '"Hunny?'"

"What?"

"You called me _hunny_."

"Uh…did I?" Ooops.

Lloyd nodded, looking a bit suspicious. "You did."

"Oh…well, I, uh…LOOK, A CHICKEN!"

Lloyd whirled. "What?"

"My mistake. Hm, I wonder where Colette is!"

"Yeah," Lloyd said, forgetting completely what they'd been talking about before. "Me too. She's probably in there, though." He pointed into the mine. "That's where Sheena came from when she fell in."

"Sheena fell in, too?"

"Also because of Colette tripping."

"Man."

"Yeah."

They looked at each other, then in the mine.

"It's…dark in there," Zelos said.

"Really, Zelos?"

"You know what things creep around in the dark?" Zelos asked.

"I'm not falling for that again!" Lloyd shouted. "I almost shat myself in the Gaoracchia forest at every little sound until Sheena told me it was a joke!"

Zelos couldn't help but burst out laughing. "That is so sad!"

"Shut up! We're going in! Nothing's haunting anything, so…"

"Okay, okay." Zelos shrugged. "Your funeral."

Lloyd quirked an eyebrow. "You'll be with me, too."

"I'm too pretty to die."

"Sure."

"OHMYGODSOMETHINGMOVED!" Zelos screamed, jumping and grabbing onto Lloyd.

Lloyd stared at Zelos. "Uh…"

"I'm okay."

"Okay. You wanna get off me?"

_No_. "Sure thing."

They continued farther in. Suddenly Lloyd screamed.

"IT'S GOT MY ARM! ARRRRRRRGH! IT'S EATING ME!"

Zelos jumped ten feet in the air and screamed like a little girl. Lloyd burst out laughing.

"That was hilarious!"

Zelos placed a hand to his chest. Yep, his heart was still beating. "Lloyd…"

"What?"

"I'm starting to think you're becoming too much like me."

"Oh, please. You're not that bad. Besides, _I_ don't hit on girls every five minutes."

"Hmph."

And they continued farther in.

"Hello!" Colette said cheerfully. Nope, she wasn't dead.

"Hi," Lloyd and Zelos mumbled with very little enthusiasm.

"This is Binky," she said, pointing to her companion.

"COLETTE, THAT'S THE SWORD DANCER!"

She stared at the towering, homicidal skeleton. "Oh," she said.

"Yeah, I'm gonna kill you now, mmmyep," said the Sword Dancer, and attacked them.

"RUN AWAY!" Zelos and Lloyd screamed, and they ran off. Colette flew after them.

"It's still chasing us! Lloyd, help!" Colette cried.

"Hell no! I'm outta here!"

"But what if Binky starts eating me?" Colette said. "What would you do?"

"Cheer," Zelos said.

"Skeletons can't eat," Lloyd said.

"Well, what if it just munched on me a bit? What then?"

"Cheer," Zelos said.

"Zelos! I think I'd cheer. I mean, help you out."

"Oh, Lloyd!"

"RUN AWAYYYYYYYYYY!" Zelos screamed.

"I AM RUNNING!"

"AHHHHHH!"

They burst out of the mine.

"UP THE HILL!" Lloyd shouted hysterically.

Colette simply flew straight up.

"She _could _help out," Zelos muttered.

"Never mind that! Run!"

And they ran. Yuan and Kratos stared. "What—" started Kratos.

"SWORD DANCER!" they screamed in unison, and continued running.

Kratos decided to be badass and killed it in one blow.

"Yay, Kratos!" Yuan said. The rumbling behind them was ignored.

"Blame your fate," he said.

"Why do you always say that?" Yuan asked.

"Hmm? Say what?"

"Whenever you totally pwn someone's ass, you say 'blame your fate.' Why is that?"

"Because it sounds badass, Yuan. Why else?"

Why else, indeed.

"I think," Yuan said, "that we have lost Zelos and your son."

"Oh no!" Colette cried, falling to her knees at the Sword Dancer's corpse. "Binky!"

"Lost them?" Kratos repeated.

"As in, they went up _that_ hill." Yuan pointed. "Screaming. Which created a rockslide. Hopefully they're all right."

Kratos pressed his hand to his forehead and groaned.

"Why did I want to be a father again?"

Yuan shrugged.

Kratos sighed. "We'll drop Colette off at Izoold, then come back for them. They should be all right."

* * *

"Ow," Zelos whined.

"In retrospect," Lloyd said, carrying Zelos on his back, "maybe we shouldn't have been screaming at the top of our lungs in a place where the footing's already unstable."

"We're gonna die."

"We're not gonna die." Finally finding a clear area, Lloyd set Zelos down. "Are you sure you're okay?"

"When have I said I was okay?!"

Lloyd rolled his eyes. "Zelos…"

Zelos pouted. "My _ankle's _sprained."

"Okay, okay."

"My beautiful ankle," Zelos sobbed.

"We should have a few hundred lemon gels," Lloyd said, trying to yank out the large bag.

"_Why _do you have so many?"

"Dad gave them to me before I left."

"Hmm." Zelos took a few. "Maybe we can gag Colette with them."

"Yeah." Lloyd poked at Zelos's ankle. "Does that hurt?"

"Does that _hurt_? Fuck, Lloyd, _yes _it hurts! Or did you miss the part where my ankle's sprained?"

"Okay! Okay! I'm sorry! I'm just not much of a healer, okay? Speaking of which, can't you heal?"

"Not sprains, I can't. I'm a _magic swordsman, _not a freaking healer!"

"Are you always this cranky when you sprain your ankle?"

Zelos scowled. "Yes."

"Well…" Lloyd considered this. "I guess about all we can do is hope that Kratos comes of us eventually. At least he can heal."

Zelos groaned. "This isn't faaaaaaair…we're going to die."

"We are not. I'm sure he'll be here pretty soon."

"Hmmph."

* * *

Hours later…

* * *

"Why hasn't Kratos found us yet?" Zelos complained.

"Who knows?" Lloyd shrugged. "Maybe they haven't noticed we're gone yet."

Zelos groaned. "You just have to say stuff like that, don't you?"

Lloyd shrugged. They sat in silence for a bit.

"My ankle hurts."

"Well, what do you want me to do about it?" Lloyd asked wearily. "You've already eaten all the lemon gels. And how you managed that, I'll never know."

"I feel sick and my ankle hurts. And I never wanna see another lemon gel again."

"Why don't you shut up and stop complaining?"

"Well, geez, sorry. I was just _mentioning _that I'm in quite a bit of pain right now, but if you don't even care, sure, I can shut up. Fine."

Lloyd sighed. Again. "When did I say I didn't care?"

"Well…well, you did tell me to shut up."

"Zelos, think about it this way. We've been here for at least five hours. Every ten minutes you just _happen _to mention what kind of pain you're in. I kind of get the idea by now."

"Okay, okay." Zelos paused, then said: "Truth or dare?"

"_What_?"

Zelos grinned. "You heard."

"Zelos, I don't think—"

"You're getting annoyed by how much I'm mentioning I'm in pain, right? So distract me. Truth or dare?"

Lloyd studied his friend carefully, not knowing whether he liked the suggestive eyebrow-waggle he was getting. That decided that.

"Truth."

Dammit, Lloyd was smarter than he looked. Zelos pouted only a moment before asking, "What do really think of Colette?"

"Where did that come from? It wasn't even interesting."

"I'm just curious." _Do I even have a chance against that idiot? If I don't, Lloyd obviously has terribly taste._

"Well—"

"There you two are," Kratos said.

"We're saved!" Lloyd cheered. Zelos cursed the timing of the seraph. If he had been even a _minute _later…

Ah, well.

"We're out of lemon gels," Lloyd mentioned.

Kratos stared. "Already?"

"Zelos ate them."

Kratos glared.

"It wasn't my fault! I swear!"

Kratos sighed. "We'll pick more up in the morning. Come on."

"Well, you'll have to carry Zelos."

"Uh…Lloyd, I think it'd be a better idea if you carried me."

"Are you serious? I carried you all afternoon!"

"Lloyd, Mr. Grouchy Pants Old Man here kind of hates me!"

Kratos rolled his eyes and sighed. "Are you finished?"

"_Put me down_! Aaaah! Lloyd! Help!"

"Well, as long as I don't have to carry you."

* * *

**Zelos: You really do like causing me pain.**

**Me: Yeah, well…whatever. Anyway, I like reviews…so, yeah. You get the idea. I'm bored now.**

**Zelos: You're as bad as Lloyd...**

**Me: Shut up, Zelos. Lloyd is awesome. He makes suspenders cool, and that's saying something. ANYWAY, REVIEWS ARE GREAT! I LOVE YOU REVIEWER PEOPLES! **

**Zelos: …okayyyy.**


	6. Mr Shiny Rainbow Fish

**Me: Hi!**

**Zelos: You seem cheerful.**

**Me: I'm inspired!**

**Lloyd: Oh, well, I guess that's a good thing…nothing traumatic happens to us, does it?**

**Me: Um…no, of course not! Why do you ask?**

**Lloyd: …somehow I don't find that believable.**

**Me: -smacks Lloyd upside the head- DISCLAIM ME, IDIOT! ZELOS! LLOYD'S INJURED! HEAL HIM!**

**Lloyd and Zelos: o.O**

**Zelos: Uh…Healing Wind…**

**Lloyd: And this crazy madwoman doesn't own us. –runs off-**

**Zelos: -running after Lloyd- Lloyd, wait for me!**

**Me: …I'm not crazy. Really!**

**

* * *

**

Zelos had been commanded to stay in bed until his ankle healed. The doctor had claimed it'd only be a day. Therefore, Yuan, Kratos, Lloyd, and Colette had left Zelos in the inn, foot propped up on a table with a quick "get some rest" before rushing out.

It had been five minutes, and Zelos was dying of boredom.

He sighed and started kicking the floor with his other foot. _This sucks…it's my birthday, too_. _Like anyone noticed._

And this place was fishy.

Not suspicious, fishy. But, literally…fishy. It smelled like fish. It had seafood gels, it had fish. If you wanted to order food, there was not _one _dish that was fishless. The air tasted like fish. If you looked out the window, guess what you would see? People hauling dead fish around.

And there, on the counter…a goldfish in a bowl.

Zelos's eye twitched.

_And we have to stay here another day? You've got to be kidding me._

"Hi, Zelos!"

He groaned upon hearing that chirpy voice. _And I thought things couldn't get worse._

"Hi, Colette."

"I found a dog," she said cheerfully. "His name is Princess Pink Sappy Wonderful Shiny Thing!"

"…" He raised an eyebrow. "_His _name is?"

"I think it suits him."

"Uh…uh huh." Zelos studied the dog, who was struggling to free itself from the angel's grasp. "He looks…uh, happy."

"Oh, yes!"

Apparently Colette couldn't understand the concept of sarcasm.

"I thought he might make you feel better," she said solemnly. "Because of your ankle."

"I know what would make me feel better."

"Really?"

"Yep." _You dead and Lloyd in my bed. Hey, it rhymes._

"What would help?"

"Nothing you could help with," he said, waving a hand dismissively. _Besides, Yuan and Kratos would _kill _me._

"Oh," she said.

Zelos studied the dog some more, which was sending a clear "HELP" message with its eyes. "Hey, Colette…where did you find this dog?"

"Outside! Why?"

"Well…he's got a collar. 'If found, please return to me.'" No address. Idiots.

"Oh," Colette said.

"They might want their dog back."

"No, no, it's okay," Colette reassured him. "The doggie's not lost."

"If you say so."

The dog whined.

"Hey, Colette," Zelos said.

"Yes?"

"I think there's a magical dog at the bottom of the lake. Why don't you go see it?"

"Okay!" she said, and ran off.

_Peace at last._

And as she ran out, the dog, still in her arms, whined.

* * *

An hour later, he was still alone…and bored.

Until Colette walked in.

Again.

Zelos groaned.

"Zelos, look what I found!"

She was dripping wet and held a shimmering rainbow fish in her hands.

"It's shiny and amazing! It's not a dog, but…oh! I know! It's a dog in disguise."

"Get your hands the hell off me," the fish said.

Zelos stared, then rubbed his eyes. The pain in his ankle must be getting to him. "Did that fish just talk?" he said.

"Yes, I just talked. What, you've never seen a talking fish before?"

"No…no, I haven't."

"Well." The fish harrumphed. "That's not _my _problem."

"Mm-hm." Zelos nodded. "I see."

"By the way, who's the blondie?"

"I'm Colette! Nice to meet you, Mr. Rainbow Fish of Shininess!"

The fish stared at her. "Are you sane?"

"No," Zelos said. "She's really not." Though, considering the circumstances, he might not be entirely sane, either.

The fish looked at him. "Who are you?"

"I'm Zelos. Nice to, uh, meet you, I guess."

"You guess? INSOLENCE!"

And everything went very bright before he passed out.

* * *

"Huh?" Lloyd looked around. "Where'd Zelos go?"

"Hello," said a voice from the ground. Lloyd looked down, and it was…

…a fish?

"It's a fish," Kratos said.

"Hey! I'm not just any fish! I'm a special fish." The shiny rainbow fish glared at them. "Oh, and about your friends…they insulted me, so I killed them."

"WHAT?!" Lloyd yelled. "Bring Zelos back NOW! Or I'll EAT YOU!"

"Ooooh, I'm so scared. Chill, I only kill people like that Colette girl." The fish laughed. "I had you going though, didn't I?"

"Yes," Lloyd said angrily. "You did. Now where's Zelos?"

The fish 'hmm'ed. "Probably…in a cave somewhere."

"IN A CAVE SOMEWHERE?!"

"Somewhere."

Lloyd unsheathed one of his swords and pointed it at the fish. "I'll have you know that I like eating fish, especially ones that kidnap my friends."

"I didn't kidnap him. I just teleported him somewhere." The fish sighed. "There was once a time in which I could kill my enemies with a thought. Now, however? All I can do is teleport them away. I'm getting old."

"I don't CARE! You'll guide me to where you teleported Zelos to or I'll eat you!"

"Is that the only threat you have?"

Lloyd's eye twitched. "I'm warning you, Mr. Fish…"

"Okay, okay. I'll lead you. Pick me up."

Lloyd did so and was immediately squirted in the eye.

"Hahaha!" The fish laughed. "Oh, what a good life this is."

Lloyd gritted his teeth and snarled.

"Lloyd, let me see the fish." Kratos took the fish and glared daggers at it. "You will tell us now where both Chosen are."

"Oh yeah!" Lloyd said, smacking himself on the head. "Colette's gone, too!"

"Of course she is," Yuan said.

"Oh, well, forget about Colette! Where's Zelos?"

"In the caves to the east!" The fish squeaked.

"Very well," Kratos said, dropping the fish. "Lloyd, you'll stay here. Yuan, come with me."

"Don't get distracted," Lloyd called as they left. He was awarded with an irritated look from both angels.

After a moment of pondering, the fish mused, "Or was it the caves to the west?"

"What!" Lloyd leapt to his feet. "You mean…YOU COULD HAVE BEEN WRONG?"

"I wasn't wrong, I was mistaken."

"That's…exactly…the same…thing," Lloyd said through clenched teeth.

"So it is," said the fish. "Yes, now that I think of it, they're _definitely _in the western caves."

"Dammit! I'll go rescue Zelos right away!"

And Lloyd ran off.

"Someone _could _put me back in the water," the fish muttered.

* * *

"Zelos!" Colette cried. "Wake up!"

"So much fish…" the ex-Chosen moaned. "Too much…I can't take it anymore…tell Lloyd I…I…"

"ZELOS!" Lloyd yelled, bursting in. "Noooo!" He shoved Colette aside roughly, and she fell in a net filled with fish.

"Lloyd, I…" Zelos coughed. "I'm dying…"

"NO! You can't give up now!" Lloyd wailed. "Zelos, I…I…"

"It's no use," Zelos gasped.

"I BOUGHT YOU A MATH TEXTBOOK FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY!"

"MATH!" Zelos shot up, eyes shining. "Really?"

"Would I lie about something like that?"

"No!" And Lloyd was glomped. "Oh, Lloyd!"

"Okay, okay." Lloyd picked Zelos up. "Come on, let's go. It's back at the inn."

"You're so cool, Lloyd," Zelos said, hugging the brunette tighter.

"I can't…breathe…"

"Sorry."

And a certain blonde lay forgotten in a net of fish, squirming, uncomfortable.

* * *

"Where is Colette?" Kratos asked.

Lloyd blinked blankly. "Colette?"

"Wasn't she with Zelos?"

"I remember something like that, yeah."

"You shoved her aside and she fell in a net full of fish," Zelos said helpfully.

"Oh yeah."

Kratos's face fell to his hand. "She's in a net full of fish?"

"I was rescuing Zelos!" Lloyd said hotly. "I can't worry about everyone, you know!"

"What's for dinner?" Zelos asked Yuan as Kratos left to rescue Colette, grumbling. _It had better not be fish, _he thought. He had definitely had enough of fish.

"It's a shiny rainbow fish," Yuan said cheerfully.

Oh, well. That kind of fish was okay.

"That fish should never have annoyed me," Lloyd said. "Anyway, happy birthday, Zelos!"

"Haha, you're an old man now," Yuan laughed.

"I am not!" Zelos protested.

"And it's not like you're one to talk," Lloyd pointed out.

"Shut up or I'll tell Kratos you called me old."

"You _are _old!"

Yuan started crying. Lloyd and Zelos exchanged a look.

"Crybaby," Lloyd said.

"Lloyd's so meeeeeeeean!"

"Okay then," Lloyd said. "We tried to get you some birthday presents," he said to Zelos, ignoring the sobbing seraph, "but Izoold isn't exactly the best place for that."

"It's a math textbook!" Zelos said, eyes going shiny. "I can't believe you remembered that I like math!"

"Your love for math is…memorable."

"And you remembered my birthday! I'm so touched, Lloydie!"

And Lloyd was once again glomped. He blushed and muttered, "Well…uh…yeah."

"Speaking of which," Yuan said, suddenly cheerful again, "When's Colette's birthday?"

Lloyd shrugged. "Who knows?"

Zelos grinned. "Who cares?"

* * *

**Zelos: What…what the hell was with the fish?**

**Me: I don't know. I guess I was giddy off the reviews for the oneshot I wrote?**

**Lloyd: And why do I keep getting glomped?**

**Zelos: -glomps Lloyd- Because you're so glompworthy!**

**Lloyd: Aaaah!**

**Me: Haha. Anyway, reviews make me happy! I KNOW you readers are out there and not reviewing! -points threateningly- And just so you know, that's ONE OF THE ONE DEADLY SINS!**

**Zelos: Wouldn't it…not be plural then?**

**Me: Oh whatever! Just review peoples! It really does help me update faster… ^^**


	7. Singing out of tune

**Me: Hi, guys! I'm feeling inspired again!**

**Zelos: Whenever you feel inspired, terrible things happen to me.**

**Me: Hey, that's not my problem. And besides, you should take it as a compliment.**

**Zelos: …a compliment?**

**Me: I cause the most pain to my favorite characters.**

**Zelos: That makes no sense!**

**Me: Like, when I smacked Lloyd. That was a compliment.**

**Lloyd: Fish!**

**Me: Uh oh.**

**Lloyd: Fish!**

**Zelos: I think you…broke Lloyd.**

**Lloyd: Fish!**

**Me: This isn't my fault.**

**Zelos: Not your fault? YOU smacked him upside the head!**

**Lloyd: Fish!**

**Me: Well, yeah, but **_**you **_**were supposed to heal him.**

**Lloyd: Fishy fishy fishy fish!**

**Zelos: This is NOT a good sign.**

**Me: No kidding. Now I need another muse. MITHOS!**

**Mithos: -appears- Huh?**

**Me: I killed Lloyd. You're my temporary muse.**

**Mithos: Do I have to?**

**Me: Yep.**

**Mithos: Why can't Zelos?**

**Me: -shrugs- I think he's trying to make Lloyd sane again. So he, you know, stops saying "fish" over and over again.**

**Mithos: Why is Zelos talking about fish? Is he still traumatized from last chapter?**

**Me: No, no, Lloyd's saying—wait. You read this?**

**Mithos: Yes. My eyes are still bleeding.**

**Me: AND YOU DIDN'T REVIEW?! YOU BASTARD!**

**Mithos: -running away while I throw random objects at him- ACCIDENT PRONE DOESN'T OWN TALES OF SYMPHONIA! OTHERWISE I'D BE DEAD!**

**Me: …you…**_**are**_** dead.**

**Mithos: Oh, snap.**

**Me: On a positive note, I GOT FOUR REVIEWS LAST CHAPTER! I LOVE YOU GUYS!**

**Mithos: o.O Is this…what all writers are like?**

**Me: It WOULD have been five if MITHOS HAD REVIEWED!**

**Mithos: Bye!**

**Me: Enjoy teh story!**

**

* * *

**

"Happy birthday to you."

"Me."

"Happy birthday to you!"

"Me."

"Happy birthday dear Zelos…"

"Me, the great and beautiful and sexy Zelos Wilder…"

"…to you!"

"Me."

Kratos's eye twitched once again.

"Yay, flowers and rainbows and unicorns and butterflies!" Colette squealed, spinning around in circles.

"Happy birthday to you," Lloyd and Zelos began again.

"Lloyd. Zelos. Do you _not _think that singing happy birthday fifty times is a few too many?" Kratos said through clenched teeth.

"Nope!" Zelos said cheerfully.

"And it's fifty-eight," Lloyd said. "Happy birthday to you…"

"Me."

"Shut up," Kratos snapped. "This trip is bad enough as it is without you two singing 'Happy Birthday' so many times…and out of tune."

Lloyd and Zelos fell silent. Colette stopped twirling around and asked Yuan, "Where are all the unicorns? I like unicorns."

"Maybe we could have one for dinner," Zelos suggested.

Colette started crying. "The poor unicorn!"

"Well, as long as it's not fish."

"Don't _talk _to me about fish," Lloyd warned.

"Unicorns are better than fish."

"Anything's better than fish."

"The poor unicorn," Colette sobbed.

Yuan laughed a bit smugly. Kratos glared at him.

Screw the evidence. He was going to _win _this bet.

"Ninety million bottles of beer on the wall, ninety million bottles of beer," Zelos and Lloyd sang loudly.

Kratos ground his teeth.

It was certainly going to be a long trip.

* * *

"Eighty-nine million, three hundred thousand and sixty-four bottles of beer on the wall, eighty-nine million, three hundred thousand and sixty-four bottles of beer…"

Yuan was listening to his iPod (the Renegade bases were very technologically advanced) and singing along with the words as loudly as he could. Also out of tune.

"KILL THE WABBIT! KILL THE WABBIT!…"

"The unicorn," Colette sighed, then looked off to her left. "Ooh! A doggie! I'll name him Pinky!"

As she ran off (and tripped, smacking into a pillar), Kratos ground his teeth and tried giving apologetic looks to the passersby. Judging by the terrified looks they gave him, it might not have worked as well as he'd hoped.

"Eighty-nine million, three hundred thousand and sixty-three bottles of beer on the wall, Eighty-nine million, three hundred thousand and sixty-three bottles of beer…"

"Wait," Lloyd interrupted. "Aren't we at sixty-two?"

"Nope." Zelos shook his head. "Sixty-three."

"Okay," Lloyd said, and they started singing that _infernal _song again.

Snarling, Kratos stalked off to do something that was actually useful.

* * *

When he returned to Hima's inn, he was relived to see that Lloyd and Zelos had stopped singing.

"Finally stopped singing?" he asked dryly.

Lloyd whispered something. Even with his angelic hearing, Kratos couldn't hear it.

"Come again?"

Zelos whispered something then.

"I can't hear you. Talk louder."

Zelos and Lloyd gave each other a look. Lloyd took out a piece of paper and wrote on it, handing it to Kratos, who read it.

"…our throats are too sore?"

Lloyd and Zelos nodded.

And for the first time in thousands of years, Kratos burst out laughing. Yuan came in then, holding a waterlogged Colette.

"What's so funny?"

"Their throats are sore!" Kratos said, suddenly finding the entire situation hilarious as he leaned against Yuan for support. "This is the best thing that's happened to me since…well, ever."

Lloyd and Zelos glared. Zelos held up a piece of paper saying, "It's not funny."

This only caused Yuan to start laughing and Kratos to laugh harder.

"This is your fault," Lloyd whispered to Zelos.

"How so?"

"You taught me the song!"

"You could have stopped singing at any time, hun."

"Jerk."

"Moron."

"I'd say something but my throat hurts."

"You just said something."

"Regretting…it."

"Heheheh—ow."

Holding their throats, Lloyd and Zelos grimaced.

"Make some soup," Yuan suggested.

Zelos nodded and stood up to get soup.

When he returned, he held…one bowl of soup. Lloyd glared at him with a look that clearly said, "Where's mine?"

Zelos flashed a cheeky grin and whispered, "Make your own."

Lloyd narrowed his eyes in a glare. When that didn't work, he pouted.

No one could withstand that pout. With a long-suffering sigh, Zelos got up again. Lloyd cackled evilly.

As did Yuan. "Team Yuan-Zelos…one! Team Kratos-Colette…ZERO! YOU HEAR THAT KRATOS? ZERO!"

Kratos glared. "Only for now."

"You're dreaming."

"It's obvious Colette is going to win."

"Zelos."

"Colette!"

"Zelos!"

"COLETTE!"

"ZELOS!"

"I like shiny things," Colette said randomly.

Kratos sighed.

Perhaps now wasn't quite the best time to tell them that some Exspheres had been seen in the Fooji Mountains.

Morning, he decided.

* * *

**Lloyd: Fooji mountains?**

**Me: Mm-hm.**

**Lloyd: I'm pretty sure the Fooji Mountains are near Meltokio, not Hima.**

**Me: Really? I just assumed, because Hima's near a bunch of mountains…oh well.**

**Zelos: Don't you have a map?**

**Me: Not of the completed world. I mean, I do, but it's not labeled.**

**Lloyd: Oh.**

**Me: I'd know the map better if the second Tales of Symphonia game had had us able to actually walk on the world map.**

**Lloyd: So, what did you do? Teleport?**

**Me: Pretty much. It was lame. **

**Zelos: Why did you make us unable to talk?**

**Me: Because I could.**

**Zelos: I ALWAYS suffer in these. To tell you the truth, it's kind of…annoying.**

**Me: Oh, come on. Colette suffers more.**

**Zelos: That's because you hate her.**

**Me: Oh, so I do. LLOYD!**

**Lloyd: O.O What?!**

**Me: You're cured!**

**Lloyd: Uh…uh…FISH!**

**Me: …You were pretending before, weren't you?**

**Lloyd: Damn.**

**Me: (sigh) My own muses hate me…**

**Zelos: You deliberately cause us pain!**

**Me: I'm a writer. That's what I do. You don't see anyone else complaining, do you?**

**Mithos: My head hurts.**

**Me: Shut up, you.**

**Mithos: Don't review. If you review, she'll write more, and more terrible things will happen to Colette, Lloyd, and Zelos. And me!**

**Me: I'll write anyway! Just slower.**

**Mithos: Of course, who can complain about making Colette suffer?**

**Me: Colette fans?**

**Mithos: That's an oxymoron.**

**Me: Mm-hm…if you say so…anyway, peoples, review so I can make Colette suffer even more and better!**

**Colette: Doggies!**

**Me: See? There's your motivation.**

**Zelos: But we suffer too…**

**Lloyd: Yeah…**

**Me: Shut up.**


	8. Homework and more Math Mania

**Me: I'M A TERRIBLE PERSON!**

**Zelos: Whoa.**

**Me: -sob- I haven't updated in almost two weeks!**

**Lloyd: Oh…**

**Me: Even if no one reads this, this TOTALLY GOES AGAINST EVERYTHING I AM!**

**Lloyd: Which is…?**

**Me: A crazy random person who has no life and updates a lot!**

**Zelos: Oh. So you got a life?**

**Lloyd: About time.**

**Me: No, I did not. That's why I'm terrible. See? I don't even have a good excuse for not updating!**

**Lloyd: But if no one reads this, won't it not matter?**

**Me: Well, I get reviews, and they're actually **_**nice **_**reviews, so someone must be reading.**

**Lloyd: Okay. So, wait, what?**

**Zelos: She feels bad about not having a life.**

**Me: NO! That's NOT it! I'm okay with not having a life! I feel bad about not updating!**

**Lloyd: So, wait, does she have a life or not?**

**Mithos: Is she writing this?**

**Zelos: Probably, considering it's here.**

**Mithos: Right. So, she must not have a life.**

**Lloyd: Oh, I get it. So, she's depressed because she doesn't have a life?**

**Zelos: Exactly! That's what I said.**

**Me: You guys are mean. And after a long bout of writer's block, too…grrr. Writer's block pisses me off. I rewrote this, like, three times, you know.**

**Zelos: So you're a bad writer.**

**Me: Oh, shit, Zelos, you're gonna make me cry. Meanie.**

**Mithos: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!**

**Lloyd, Zelos, and me: -Staaaaaaare…-**

**Mithos: …what?**

**Me: That was a…**

**Lloyd: Wow.**

**Zelos: That was a really crazy, maniacal, and insane laugh.**

**Me: And kinda creepy.**

**Mithos: Are you calling my laugh creepy?**

**Me: And maniacal.**

**Mithos: THAT'S JUST THE WAY I LAUGH! IT'S FUNNY WHEN YOU CRY!**

**Me: You're all so mean! Fine, then. Before you disclaim me, I only have one last thing to say to you jerks.**

**Lloyd: Why is she calling me a jerk? I didn't even do anything?**

**Zelos: It's all about her own insecurities.**

**Lloyd: Oh.**

**Me: I LOST THE GAME! HAHAHAHA!**

**Mithos: Nooooooooooooooooooooooo! **

**Me: Muahahahahaha!**

**Zelos: She owns nothing. **

**

* * *

**

That night in Hima, Lloyd met Raine and Genis by the cliff.

"What's up, Professor? I thought everything was good. I mean, I finished my math and everything…"

"Oh, you did, did you?" she glared, eyes narrowing. "Then why is it all right?"

"I…I…I don't know!" he cried. "Maybe it just happened!"

"Just happened?"

Genis winced. He knew what was coming.

"Then do these problems." She shoved a piece of paper at him. "It shouldn't prove too difficult, considering you did calculus level math just a few days ago."

Lloyd stared at the alien numbers, gaping. "Uh…" Damn. How was he to get out of this one? "Um…I DON'T HAVE A PENCIL!"

"Here."

He stared at it. "Is that the only one you have?"

"If you break it, I can still sharpen it."

"Oh," he said, and chucked the pencil off the cliff.

"LLOYD IRVING!" Genis winced yet again as Lloyd was slapped, smacked, and pummeled by his enraged teacher. "I AM TRYING TO EDUCATE YOU!"

"Ahhhhhhh!" Lloyd screamed, running into the village. "HELP! I'M GETTING MURDERED! HELP!"

Raine chased him, swinging her staff wildly. "THAT WAS MY LUCKY PENCIL!"

Genis followed, watching eagerly. It had been awhile since he'd gotten to see a scene like this.

"Oh, hello, Professor!" Colette said cheerily, ignoring the terrified screams of Lloyd and the furious (even homicidal) look on her teacher. "What brings you here?"

"COLETTE, HELP ME!" Lloyd wailed, ducking behind the blonde Chosen.

"Why? Is there a monster after you?"

"Yes! Absolutely!"

Colette looked off into the distance. "Where? Does it eat doggies?"

"No Not really. Actually, I don't know. Professor, _do _you eat dogs?"

Snarling, Raine took another swing at the red-clad swordsman, who was miraculously pulled out of the way by the other Chosen. By, of course, the suspenders.

"Can I ask _why _you're trying to kill my bestest bud?"

"At least _someone _cares enough to rescue me," Lloyd griped.

"Shut up and go to sleep!" Yuan yelled from inside the inn.

"Honestly," Kratos grumbled.

"Well, sorry, but the Professor is trying to _kill_ me!"

"SHHHH!"

Lloyd pouted and crossed his arms.

"I want my pencil back," Raine snapped.

"Well, sorry."

Zelos looked like he was trying not to laugh. "This was all over a _pencil_?"

"Yep. She tried to make me do work, and then gave me a pencil, and I threw it over the cliff and she tried to kill me."

Zelos considered this. "Well, she could always get a new pencil."

"No! That pencil is my precious! MY PRECIOUS!"

Genis sighed. "Sis, I've been telling you not to get obsessed for years now."

And we all know how well that worked out with Ruin Mode.

"You want me to protect you over a pencil?" Zelos asked Lloyd.

Lloyd gave Zelos his best cute look. "Pretty please?"

Zelos looked like he was having a hard time deciding now. Lloyd closed his eyes. He reminded himself that he no choice but to unleash the monster.

"Genis, take cover!" he yelled. Then he pointed at his favorite teacher and wailed, "She tried to make me do math!"

"Oh, that's going to—" Genis stopped upon seeing the almost-familiar sparkle enter Zelos's eyes. "Oh no. _He's_ a maniac, too?"

"Who did you _think _did my homework?"

"OHMYGODDESSYOUHAVEMATH?" Zelos was almost literally jumping up and down in glee. "GIVEITTOMEPLEEEEEEEEASE!"

Raine stared at Zelos, mouth dropping open. "What in the world…"

"I LOVE MATH!" Zelos screamed. "IT'S SO FUCKING FANTASTIC I CAN'T EVEN…"

"Breathe," Lloyd suggested.

Zelos breathed, then continued his little rant. "MATH IS GREAT AND FANTASTIC AND WONDERFUL AND GREAT AND I LOVE IT! IT MAKES THE WORLD HAVE PRETTY COLORS AND SPIN!"

Raine stared at him, eyes widening more with every moment.

"YAY SPINNY THINGS!"

"Breathe," Lloyd said again.

Zelos breathed. "CAN I HAVE MATH? PLEEEEEEEEASE! I LOVE MATH IT MAKES ME HAPPY! HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY!"

Raine turned to Genis looking dazed. "Am…am _I _like this?"

"Pretty much."

"I'm sorry," she whispered. "I had no idea."

"MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATH!" Zelos sang out, skipping in circles around Lloyd.

"Didn't I get you a math textbook for your birthday?" Lloyd asked.

"You can never have too much math," Zelos said wisely.

"Mm-hm." Lloyd nodded. "Okay. I'll…remember that."

"CAN I HAVE MATH?" Zelos said suddenly, appearing suddenly next to Raine, who gave out a little shriek. "PLEEEEEEEEEEASE!"

"Don't do it!" Lloyd said. "Our only hope is to knock him out and then never mention the M-word again!"

"MATHY MATHY MATH!"

"This is insane," Genis muttered.

Lloyd nodded, a bit apologetically. "I know."

"Do you always have to deal with this?"

"Only sometimes. He's okay when he's actually doing the math, but talking about his obsession gets him a bit…odd."

Genis nodded, looking at the dancing ex-Chosen. "I…see."

Lloyd grinned. "It's kind of cute, in a way."

Genis gave Lloyd a horrified look. "Did you just call Zelos _cute_?"

"Well, he _is_, kind of," Lloyd said defensively. "That's not my fault. I didn't make him cute."

"Cute."

"Uh huh! Like when he does math, or sleeps, or…"

"You watch him while he's _sleeping_?" Genis gaped.

"Only sometimes! Like, when I can't sleep, or when he's being _really _cute, and…"

"Oh no." Genis shook his head, a bit sadly. "You're a goner, Lloyd."

"Huh?" Lloyd looked confused. "What do you mean, a goner?"

Genis only shook his head and patted his friend on the arm. "It's okay, Lloyd. Really. I mean, it happens to everyone."

Lloyd looked even more confused. "What?"

"Once you think they're cute, that's _it_. It's over."

"What's over? And _besides_. He's not just cute. He's also gorgeous, and sweet, and really, really lovable, and…and even _sexy, _on his good days."

Genis sighed. The shiny look was coming into Lloyd's eyes. There was no going back from this point.

"Try to relax," he said. "Just go along with it, okay?"

"Go along with what?"

"With—"

"LLOYD!" Zelos exclaimed, holding a pile of papers in his arms. "LOOK AT ALL THE MATH RAINE GAVE ME!"

Lloyd groaned. "Oh, Professor…please tell me you didn't…"

"If you want to deny him of his obsession, that's your choice," she said evenly. "But I value my own life far more than your sanity."

"Come on, Lloyd!" Zelos chirped, walking towards the inn. "Help me carry this! There are still five more boxes!"

Lloyd looked despairingly at Raine. "Five more box—"

"Like I said, I value my own life far higher than your—"

"Hello," Zelos said cheerfully to the very angry-looking hotel manager. "Look! Math! Isn't it fantastic?"

"Leave. Now."

Zelos pouted. "Now where am I supposed to do my math?"

"Hey, wait!" Lloyd protested. "We're _staying _here!"

"Not anymore," the hotel manager snarled, and chucked Lloyd's sleeping bag at him. It smacked him in the face and he fell over backwards.

"You really must stop getting us kicked out of every inn," he informed Zelos, who shrugged.

"Whatever. I have math, so it's all good."

"It is not. We're without a place to sleep."

"Oh, well. That's okay."

"No it is _not_."

"We'll be doing math all night long!"

"NO WE WILL NOT!"

"I'll do math all night long. You can sleep."

"WHERE?"

Zelos shrugged. "I don't know. Up on top of the cliff or something."

"I could FALL OFF!"

"I'll make sure you don't," Zelos said decisively. "Now come on. We have to get all my math up there."

Lloyd groaned, and grabbed one of the boxes, hauling it up the hill.

Genis raised a brow at Zelos. "Did you just offer to watch him sleep?"

Zelos shrugged. "So? He's _cute _when he sleeps. Or even when he doesn't. He's just…cuter when he sleeps. Even adorable."

Genis sighed. "Oh boy."

* * *

**Me: T.T This chapter sucked…**

**Lloyd: Weren't we supposed to go to Mount Fooji in this chapter?**

**Me: Yep. And get to Luin.**

**Zelos: Did something GOOD happen to me in this chapter? Really?**

**Me: Yeah. Sorry. I couldn't really fit any big, bad injuries in this chapter.**

**Zelos: That's not a bad thing.**

**Me: I'll probably get around to that next chapter.**

**Zelos: Are you even listening to me?! I said that's not a bad thing!**

**Me: Something like a broken leg or something.**

**Zelos: You scare me sometimes.**

**Mithos: COUGH UP SOME GOOD REVIEWS OR I'LL JUDGMENT YOUR ASSES, YOU INFERIOR BEINGS!**

**Me: What? NO! Mithos, that is NOT the way to get reviews! You're fired!**

**Mithos: What did I do wrong?**

**Me: You're NOT SUPPOSED TO THREATEN POTENTIAL REVIEWERS!**

**Mithos: Sheesh. Picky, picky.**


	9. Cave of the Rainbow Fish and Mount Fooji

**Me: I'm updating kind of late again. Oops.**

**Lloyd: -huggling Zelos- Mmm.**

**Me:…what are you doing?**

**Zelos: He's huggling me! What does it look like?**

**Lloyd: Besides, you never let us do **_**anything**_**.**

**Me: Well, sorry. **

**Zelos: Does anything bad or awful or terrible happen to me in this chapter?**

**Me: Um…why, no, Zelos! Of course not. Why would I do something like that?**

**Zelos: She's lying.**

**Lloyd: Dwarven vow number 11.**

**Me: Whatever. Accident Prone vow number one: I own nothing.**

**Lloyd: What the…THOSE DON'T EXIST!**

**Me: They do now.**

* * *

Lloyd woke up feeling very disoriented.

_Oh…that's right, Zelos got us kicked out of the inn in Hima…stupid jerk._

However, they weren't on top of the cliff.

_If that jerk lied about making sure I wouldn't fall off the cliff, I'm gonna be pissed. Stupid…jerky jerk._

There was a groan to his left. "Oh, shit. Headache."

"Shut up," Lloyd said, holding his own head. "Ow."

Zelos's head appeared. Lloyd took one look at the redheaded Chosen and immediately snorted. He looked so cute with bedhead.

Glaring at Lloyd, Zelos grumbled, "So what if I have bedhead? Shut up."

Lloyd's eyes narrowed and he pointed accusingly at Zelos. "You lied."

"What?"

"You said you'd make sure we didn't fall off the cliff."

"Oh…" Zelos brushed some of his hair back with a hand, sheepishly. "I guess…I kinda fell asleep. Doing all that math…MY MATH! WHERE'D IT GO!"

"How the hell should I know? We FELL OFF A CLIFF!"

"We can't have fallen that far. We're still alive."

"Hi," a random person (actually a frog) said and both screamed, grabbing onto each other.

_Yes, yes, yes! I finally got to grab Lloyd's ass without him noticing too mu—is he grabbing _my—

_Ok, we need to do this more often, _Lloyd thought at the same time. _We have to get terrified a lot more…aaaagh, no! What am I thinking?_

The frog looked at both of them and raised a brow. If frogs had brows.

"And just who the hell are you?" it asked.

"Tell me your name and I'll tell you mine!" Lloyd blurted.

"How long did it take you to think up that line? Because it's brilliant. Just brilliant."

"Heheheh, yeah, I guess you could say that!"

"Sarcasm," Zelos murmured. "It was being sarcastic."

"Shut up, Zelos."

"Where are we?" Zelos asked the frog.

"In the Cave of Shiny Rainbow Fish," it said. "Didn't you know?"

"Nooooooooo!" both screamed, grabbing each other tighter as the terrible memories surfaced.

"The only way you can get out is thataway. Have fun!"

Both boys sobbed.

* * *

It was strangely quiet.

"Oh, stop fidgeting," Yuan said to Kratos. "Just relax for once."

"Don't I look relaxed?"

"Not really, no."

"Hmph."

"Look, if Lloyd and Zelos are sleeping in for once, just count your blessings. At least we got to sleep in, too."

Kratos frowned. "You just want to give them privacy."

Yuan grinned. "True."

Kratos rolled his eyes. "I'm getting them up."

"Okay," Yuan said, picking up his newspaper again as Kratos went up the stairs.

"Lloyd, Zelos, get up," he said, knocking on the door. Silence. He knocked louder. "GET UP!"

Silence. Kratos frowned and entered the room cautiously.

And they…weren't there.

Kratos stared at the empty beds for a moment.

Gone.

First there was the hysterical terror that every father has surely felt. _Holy cra—where the hell did those two go!_

And then there was anger. _I am going to kill them. _

Then his usual coolheaded reason. _I need to ask around. Get Yuan and Colette ready to go…_

Breathing deeply, he went back down the stairs, wondering why the two had just ditched them like that.

"Yuan," he said.

Yuan looked up. "What's wrong?"

"They're gone."

"Oh. Okay."

And Yuan went back to sipping his coffee and reading the paper.

"No, it is not okay." Kratos gave Yuan a death glare. "Yuan, they are _gone_. As in _we don't know where they are_."

"And? They're not children, Kratos. They'll be fine."

"They act like children," Kratos muttered, but grudgingly saw Yuan's point. "I'm going to ask around."

Yuan shrugged again. "Suit yourself."

* * *

Swords out, Zelos and Lloyd looked around the dark cave nervously.

"It better not be another shiny rainbow fish like before," Zelos said.

"No kidding. That thing was evil."

"Can't be all bad, though. It threw Colette in the fish net."

"That was me!"

"Oh yeah. Nice job, bud!"

"Colette's not that bad. Sheesh."

"Oh, please. She dances, talks about dogs, rainbows, and ponies."

"What's your point?"

"I'm just _saying_, maybe she's kind of…you know, insane?"

"Insane isn't a _bad _thing."

"Well, sorry, but maybe I just don't _like _her that much!"

"What's wrong with her?"

"I wasn't aware _you _liked her!"

"Why wouldn't I? She's my friend! She's really…"

"Hi," said a shiny rainbow fish. Zelos and Lloyd screamed and ran.

"RUN!" Zelos screamed.

"I AM RUNNING!"

"FASTER!"

"I'M FASTERING, DAMMIT!"

"Come back!" called the shiny rainbow fish. "I don't really eat people! Unless they taste really good. Do you taste good?"

"Do you, Lloyd?" Zelos asked.

"HOW SHOULD I KNOW! I DON'T USUALLY EAT MYSELF, YOU KNOW!"

"Okay, okay! Sheesh! Don't get all hysterical, hunny!"

"WHO'S HYSTERICAL!"

"YOU ARE!"

"I AM NOT!"

"JUST BREATHE ALREADY!"

"I AM BREATHING!"

"AHHHHHHHHHHH!" Zelos screamed again as a fish attached itself to his butt. "I'M GETTING MOLESTED BY FISH!"

"DON'T YELL IN MY EAR, YOU IDIOT!"

"YOU'RE THE IDIOT!"

"AHHHHHHHH!"

* * *

Kratos sighed and sat back down.

"Any luck?" Yuan asked.

"All I learned was that they woke up nearly everyone in the inn."

"Hee hee hee," Yuan giggled.

"Are you drunk?"

"In the inn. Hee hee."

"Okay then. In any case, they got kicked out, but beyond that—"

"AAAAAAAAAAAH!" two voices screamed out, and Zelos and Lloyd burst in the inn. "GET THEM OFF! GET THEM OFF!"

"—I have no idea as to their whereabouts," Kratos finished, staring at Zelos and Lloyd, who had many blindingly shiny fish attached to them.

"Didn't you get kicked out?" a hotel staff member asked.

"GET THEM OFF!" Zelos screamed hysterically. "I'M TOO PRETTY TO GET MOLESTED BY FISH!"

"But they're shiny," Colette said.

"I HATE FISH!"

"I'm never eating fish again," Lloyd agreed, successfully detaching the fish from his body and moving on to Zelos's.

Kratos sighed. And it had been so quiet.

* * *

"Why do we get kicked out of every hotel we go to?" Yuan asked.

"That was definitely Lloyd's fault," Zelos said.

"It was not. It was your fault," Lloyd said.

"Whatever."

"Where are we going?" Lloyd asked Kratos.

"To the Fooji Mountains. According to various people in Hima, there are Exspheres there."

"Oh," Lloyd said. "Does that mean we have to climb—"

"That huge frickin' mountain?" Zelos wailed.

"Yes."

"Nooooooooo!" Lloyd wailed.

"Stop complaining. Do you hear Yuan and Colette complaining?"

Hearing his name, Yuan perked up. "Are we there yet? I'm tired."

Kratos sighed. They looked over at Colette, who tripped.

"Oh my goodness! I squished a worm! I'm so sorry! I'm so, so, so sorry! Oh my!"

"Stop apologizing, you dork," the worm said, then died.

"Waaaaah! No! Don't die!" Colette sobbed.

"Colette's a very kind-hearted person," Lloyd said to Zelos, who only frowned.

They continued walking.

"I'm bored," Lloyd announced five minutes later.

Kratos suppressed another sigh. "Stop complaining, Lloyd."

"I'm bored," Lloyd said to Zelos.

"Well…where were we?"

"Eighty-nine million, two hundred thousand, and eighty-three."

Zelos nodded. "Okay then."

And they started singing the song from the vast pits of Niflheim once again.

"Eighty-nine million, two hundred thousand, and eighty-three bottles of beer on the wall, eighty-nine million, two hundred thousand, and eighty-three bottles of beer…"

* * *

"…take one down, pass it around, eighty-nine million, one hundred thousand, and ninety-one bottles of beer on the wall! Eighty-nine million, one hundred thousand, and ninety-one bottles of beer on the—"

"SHUT UP!" Kratos yelled. Zelos, Lloyd, and Yuan fell silent.

"What's wrong?" Yuan asked.

"You're all giving me a headache."

"You should sing along with us!"

"NO!"

"But it's fun. And then you won't suffer as much."

"No."

"It's a bonding experience, Kratos," Yuan said patiently.

"I said no. And besides, we're at the top."

"Jot that number down," Zelos said to Lloyd, who nodded and pulled out a sheet of paper and a pencil.

"This place brings back memories," Yuan murmured.

"Yeah," Lloyd agreed. "Like the time Zelos pissed Genis off, and Genis cast Grave right near him, causing the trail to crumble and Zelos to almost die. That was funny."

"It was tragic," Zelos protested.

"But funny."

Yuan got a dreamy look on his face. "This is the place where Kratos and I first—"

"I WONDER WHERE THOSE EXSPHERES ARE!" Kratos said loudly and over-cheerfully.

"Graar," a voice came, and they looked up—to see a large skeleton towering over them, wearing a necklace of Exspheres.

"Oh," Lloyd said. "Found them."

"Binky!" Colette squealed. "I thought you were dead!"

"Graar," it said.

"Colette, that's the SWORD DANCER! As in DEATH DEATH DEATH TO THE UNDERLEVELLED!" Lloyd screamed hysterically.

"Lloyd, protect me!" Zelos wailed, jumping into Lloyd's arms, sending the two of them crashing to the ground. Again. Causing Binky's—I mean, the Sword Dancer's attack to go right over their heads.

"Thunder Blade! Judgment! Judgment! Judgment! Judgment!" Yuan screamed, also a bit hysterically. This caused the Sword Dancer to die. Again.

"I feel woozy," Yuan said, then collapsed.

"Yuan nooooooo!" Kratos wailed, falling to his knees beside the half elf. "Don't die!"

"I thought he always told you not to die," Zelos mentioned, still on Lloyd's lap.

Lloyd shrugged. "Well, if the two of them are going out, I guess it makes sense that Kratos wouldn't want him to die, either."

"Kratos, I…I…" Yuan's eyes fluttered.

"Don't talk," Kratos commanded.

"I…really want a cheeseburger…"

"…" Kratos sighed. "We don't have any."

"Oh…" Yuan said, then his eyes closed.

"Is Yuan dead?" Colette wailed.

Kratos shook his head. "He just overexerted himself. He needs to learn to not cast four Judgments in the space of five seconds."

"Okay," Colette chirped, then started crying over the second death of Binky. Kratos went to retrieve the Exspheres.

"We'll rest here tonight," he said. There was a collective groan. "In the morning," he continued, "we will continue to Luin."

"Okay," Lloyd and Zelos mumbled.

* * *

**Mithos: You should all review. It'd make her happy. Though that's kind of a scary thought.**

**Me: Didn't I fire you?**

**Mithos: Did you? I don't recall.**

**Lloyd: She did.**

**Mithos: Well, I don't care. And besides, I didn't threaten the inferior beings this time.**

**Me: Don't…call…them…inferior…beings.**

**Mithos: Touchy, touchy. Fine.**

**Me: Ignoring Mithos…please review…**

**Zelos: That was so sad.  
**


	10. Loss of Colette

**Me: I'm updating! WOOHOO!**

**Zelos: Okay, let's get this over with. What terrible things happen to me in this chapter?**

**Me: MUAHAHAHAHAHA! Um, I mean…nothing.**

**Zelos: I bet I die.**

**Me: I could never do that to you. Especially not before you get together with Lloyd!**

**Lloyd: Wait, is he going to die?**

**Me: Nnnnope. He's too cool to die.**

**Zelos: Colette's gonna die, right?**

**Me: Uh, I haven't decided yet. I'm thinking I'll just torture her.**

**Lloyd: You're so mean to her.**

**Mithos: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!**

**Me: Go AWAY, Mithos!**

**Mithos: Nothing terrible happens to me, because I'm not in this story! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!**

**Me: Go away.**

**Mithos: You can't do anything to me!**

**Me: I HAVE A FLAME THROWER!**

**Mithos: You do not!**

**Me: I do too! See?**

**Mithos: That's…a phone book.**

**Me: Your eyesight is obviously funky.**

**Mithos: Or you could just be an idiot.**

**Zelos: I'd agree with that.**

**Me: Oh, shut up and disclaim me.**

**Lloyd: Accident prone vow number one.**

**Me: That HARDLY COUNTS!**

**Lloyd: Whatever.**

* * *

"What's up?" Yuan said to Kratos in the morning.

"Colette fell off a cliff."

"Yayyyyy!" Yuan and Zelos cheered, only to be death-glared by Kratos.

"Fnnnnwhuhhhh?" Lloyd said sleepily, waking up.

"Colette fell off a cliff," Zelos said cheerfully.

"No!" Lloyd roared, standing up while still in his sleeping bag. "I must recue her—whoa!" And he tripped, falling onto Zelos, sending them both crashing to the ground, Lloyd still in his sleeping bag.

"Oof," Zelos said.

"You know, on second thought, I think I'll just stay here," Lloyd said thoughtfully. "You guys can go rescue her."

Kratos growled. Yuan tittered. Sighing heavily, Kratos started down the trail, Yuan following. Zelos opened his mouth to ask if Lloyd could maybe get off him a bit, as there was a rather pointy rock digging into his back, but thought the better of it.

He stole a look at Lloyd.

He was asleep.

And so...adorable-looking. And huggable, even...

He could stand that rock.

* * *

"Somewheeeeeeeeeeeeeere over the rainbowwwwww," Yuan sang loudly and out-of-tune. Kratos ground his teeth some more.

"What comes next?" Yuan asked his red haired companion. "I seem to have forgotten."

"If you honestly think I'm going to tell you…"

"Okay. Fair enough. I'll just sing the same line over and over again! Somewhere over the rainbowwww…somewheeeeeeere over the raaaaainbow…sooooooomewhere over the raiiiiiiiinbow…."

Kratos's eye twitched, and he turned around abruptly, grabbing Yuan and yanking him in a conveniently placed patch of trees, kissing him _very _passionately.

It was hardly surprising that they got very little singing and Colette-searching done.

* * *

Colette was not dead, sadly. She had remembered after the first bounce against the side of the cliff that she had wings, and ended up at the bottom of the cliff with little more than a bruised body.

She'd also fallen on top of Sheena, who was now unconscious under her. Sheena just didn't have good luck. And somehow, Colette had still fallen on top of something with her wings out.

Colette spent the next five minutes apologizing before realizing Sheena probably couldn't hear her.

Maybe taking the clumsy ninja to Mizuho would be a good idea…

* * *

Hours later, when Yuan and Kratos got back, Lloyd and Zelos were playing checkers.

"I win," Zelos said cheerfully, taking Lloyd's last piece. Lloyd scowled, and threw the checkers board at Zelos's face.

"Ha," Lloyd said as Zelos shrieked like a little girl.

"We're baaa-aaaack," Yuan said cheerfully.

"Oh," Zelos said disappointedly, sitting up. "Where's Colette?"

Kratos and Yuan looked at each other with _oh shit _looks on their faces.

"We forgot," Yuan said.

"No no no no no," Kratos said quickly. "We just…didn't find her!"

Zelos smirked and opened his mouth to say something.

"Say anything and I'm throwing you over the cliff," Kratos warned.

Zelos closed his mouth.

"Noooo!" Lloyd wailed. "I'll never let you!"

"Lloyd," Zelos mumbled. "It's okay. I have wings, remember?"

Lloyd looked blankly at him. "You do?"

"Oh…uh…heheh, did I forget to mention that?"

Lloyd nodded slowly.

"Oh…well, I have wings."

"Oh."

"So," Zelos said, cheering up, "We're Colette-less?"

"Yes," Kratos said, cursing his bad luck.

"Yay!" Zelos and Yuan said, jumping up in the air.

Kratos death-glared. They stopped cheering.

"Oh well," Yuan said, shrugging. "We'll catch up to her later."

Kratos scowled. When was Zelos going to suddenly disappear? When were Colette and Lloyd going to get some time alone?

Yuan, Lloyd, and Zelos looked at each other and started singing the evil song of evilness.

Again.

Kratos smacked himself about the head with his hand, hoping that maybe, just maybe he could beat himself senseless.

* * *

Kratos was about to scream by the time they got to Luin.

"Eighty-nine million, ninety-eight thousand, and seventy-six bottles of beer on the—"

"If you all continue this," Kratos said with deadly calm, "I will poison your food so that you are unable to talk all day."

"Can he really do that?" Zelos asked.

"Well…" Lloyd shrugged. "It's Dad, so…probably."

"He can," Yuan said. "It's some…poison or such."

"He did just say that," Lloyd pointed out.

Yuan shrugged.

"The people here _like _you," Kratos said, ignoring them completely. "You know what that means, do you not?"

"Of course I do!" Lloyd retorted hotly. "Don't insult me, Kratos!"

They walked towards the inn.

"What _does _it mean?" Lloyd whispered to Zelos, who shrugged.

"Got me. Hey, Yuan! What'd he mean by tha—"

"KRATOS, HUNNY!" Yuan shouted. "LLOYD AND ZELOS ARE STUPID! WHAT DID YOU MEAN BY WHAT YOU SAID?"

Kratos started trying to beat himself senseless again.

"Stupid?" Zelos said.

"We are not stupid," Lloyd snapped.

"Yes you are."

"No we're not," Lloyd and Zelos said together.

"Are too."

"Am not."

"Are too."

"Am not."

"ARE TOO!"

"YOUR MOM'S STUPID!" Lloyd blurted.

"Touché," Zelos said, high-fiving Lloyd.

"It means," Kratos said, sighing again while he payed the innkeeper, "that if you get kicked out of this inn, they'll be _very _disappointed in you."

Lloyd shrugged. "We won't get kicked out," he assured Kratos. "Besides, it's always Zelos's fault."

"Hey!" Zelos protested.

"It's true! Last time you yelled and screamed and they—"

"I WAS GETTING MOLESTED BY FISH! OF COURSE I'M GOING TO YELL!"

"Okay, okay! But I was actually referring to when you went into 'Math Mode…'"

"Oh." Zelos considered this, ignoring the stares he was getting. "I…okay, maybe that was my fault."

Lloyd nodded. Zelos burst into tears.

"OHMYGOD! ICAN'TGOON! MY MATH IS GOOOOOOOOONE!"

"Slow down," Lloyd said soothingly. "Breathe. We'll get you more math."

"No no no no no," Yuan whispered.

"OH LLOYD!" Zelos cried, hugging the red-clad teen tightly.

"Gaaack!"

"I LOVE YOU!"

Lloyd mumbled something unintelligible, blushing a bit.

Kratos coughed loudly. "Your room is upstairs," he said.

"Yay!" Zelos said, grabbing the key and running up the stairs.

Lloyd stared after his friend and continued after him, muttering something about how mania could be cute sometimes.

Kratos groaned.

Yuan smirked.

"You're know I'm going to win," he said, heading up the stairs himself.

Kratos scowled. There was _no way _he was going to win unless he got Colette back. And it was still a good three hours before dark. And most people knew Colette, especially considering she was the Chosen of Regeneration…

Nodding to himself, he stepped out of the inn, determined to find her.

* * *

**Zelos: I didn't…get hurt or molested or killed in this chapter…wow.**

**Me: I know. That's because the chapter is so short. Next chapter, I promise.**

**Zelos: No no no, really, it's oka—**

**Colette: What happened to me?**

**Me: You DIED. **

**Colette: Oh, okay.**

**Me: ALONG WITH ALL THE DOGS IN THE WORLD!**

**Colette: -sob- NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!**

**Me: Hehehehehehe.**

**Mithos: You're so cruel. Nice job.**

**Me: I know, right?**

**Lloyd: She…likes reviews…so yeah.**

**Me: If you weren't you, I'd totally fire you.**

**Zelos: Yeah, and we all know how well firing Mithos got rid of him.**

**Me: Oh, shut up...  
**


	11. Cindi

**Me: -yawn- I'm tired.**

**Zelos: Then go to sleep.**

**Me: NO! NEVER! I MUST WRITE!**

**Lloyd: That's crazy. What kind of freak are you?**

**Me: I'm not a freak, I'm a writer, thank you very much, Lloyd.**

**Lloyd: So, what kind of freak is she?**

**Zelos: The same kind of freak every writer is.**

**Lloyd: Oh…why didn't she just say?**

**Mithos: Do I get to appear in this chapter?**

**Me: Mithos…you're dead. You don't appear in this story at all.**

**Mithos: WHAT? That's…that's…that's…**

**Me: Maybe I'll write a more epic story one day that has you in it.**

**Mithos: Write it NOW!**

**Zelos: Wouldn't he be the evil villain…?**

**Me: Uh, probably…**

**Mithos: Oh, now, that's just not fair.**

**Me: Sorry. Maybe I'll try to make you un-evil or something…**

**Mithos: That would be nice.**

**Lloyd: Does Colette die in this chapter?**

**Me: Let me think. No.**

**Zelos: That doesn't count as thinking.**

**Me: I totally thought. At least I thought more than Lloyd does…**

**Mithos: Like that's hard.**

**Lloyd: Huh…? What?**

**Mithos: I rest my case.**

**Me: Oh, don't be mean to Lloyd. He's just…slow.**

**Lloyd: I am not!**

**Zelos: It's okay, Lloyd. I love you anyway.**

**Lloyd: But I'm not slow…**

**Mithos: Can Colette die next chapter?**

**Me: I own nothing bye!**

**Mithos: Hey, wait—**

**Me: SPOILERS EVIL! STORY UP AHEAD! BEWARE OF INSANTIY MMYEP!**

**

* * *

**

Five hours later, Kratos was still searching for the blonde Chosen.

"Have you seen the Chosen?" he asked someone in Iselia.

"Oh, yeah!" a girl chirped.

_Finally. _Kratos sighed. "Where did—"

"Omigod. Have you _seen _him? He is _so _hot! That gorgeous, red hair…those strikingly beautiful looks…do you think I have a chance with someone like that? I mean, I'm just freaking _amazing _looking, but I just don't know…"

Kratos groaned, face falling against his hand. "I was referring to the other Chosen, but…" And then some rather evil plans that would be very good for Team Kratos-Colette started forming. For this was a girl. An attractive girl. Who was interested in Zelos, like three quarters of the female population and probably half of the male population. If he could get Zelos a girlfriend…

"Why are you chuckling?" she asked, tilting her head a little.

"I think you have a good chance with the Chosen," he said, laughing evilly on the inside, rubbing his hands together. _Yuan is doomed! _he cackled to himself. _DOOMED! _"In fact, if you wish, I can take you to see him."

"OH MY GOSH! REALLY?"

He nodded. "I am one of his traveling companions. I'm sure he'd be delighted to meet you. What is your name?"

"I'm Cindi!" She said excitedly. "Do I look okay?"

Already she was getting on his nerves. Were all blondes this annoying? "Fine." _Now now, _he reminded himself. _If Zelos goes out with her, then he won't go out with Lloyd, and I'll win the bet. _

That decided, he started out of Iselia, the chirpy, annoying girl following.

* * *

"Owww," Zelos whimpered.

"Stop complaining," Lloyd snapped, massaging the redhead's back. "If there was a rock poking into your back, you should have _said _something."

"I was comfortable."

"Except for the rock stabbing you."

"Exactly."

Lloyd rolled his eyes. "You're such a dork."

Zelos grinned. "I know."

Yuan giggled to himself. His plan was finally working! It was obvious he was going to win the bet. Who could trump this? No, not even Kratos could—

"I'm back," Kratos said. Yuan cursed to himself. Damn, and he had been so close. "I have good news and bad news."

"Okay," Yuan said gloomily. "What's the bad news?" The good news was surely that he had found Colette…

"I couldn't find Colette."

"YESSSSSS!" Zelos and Yuan cheered. Lloyd smacked Zelos's head, grumbling something.

"Don't mess up my hair," Zelos said.

"Shut up."

"Seriously, Lloyd. Do you know how long I _spent _on it this morning?"

"Um…five minutes?"

Zelos was silent, then said, "It was a one-time thing, okay?"

Lloyd laughed. "Sure."

"I mean it. I usually spend a lot longer."

"Mm-hm."

"It's just with the waking up on top of a mountain thing didn't really allow for much—"

"I believe you."

"No you don't."

"You're right."

Zelos pouted. "So cruel, hun."

"Mmm."

Yuan cackled again. Nothing could ruin his day. Nothing. "So," he said cheerfully. "What's the good news?"

"Hi!" A voice chirped, and a girl trounced into the room. "I'm Cindi!"

Yuan blinked. "This is your good news?"

"OMIGOD ARE YOU REALLY ZELOS? I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS AHHHHH!" And she fell over, in a very happy faint.

Kratos smiled. "Yes," he said. "It is. She was very insistent on meeting Zelos."

"I don't like her," Lloyd said.

Kratos raised a brow at his son. "What's there not to like?"

"She's _chirpy_. She has an annoying voice. And she's blonde. And she's a girl."

"Oh, I dunno," Zelos mumbled. "I think we should give her a chance."

"Uh, Lloyd," Yuan said. "Aren't those all traits Colette has?"

"Well, yeah, but…uh…Colette's Colette!"

"Uh huh," Yuan said.

Kratos rolled his eyes. "She'd like to accompany us."

"WHAT!" Lloyd demanded.

"Okay," Zelos said cheerfully. "Colette wasn't much of a looker anyway."

Zelos got smacked by the hand of Lloyd again. "Shut up. Colette doesn't look _that _bad."

"Lloyd, I wouldn't even kiss her, let alone—"

"Ew, ew. Kissing. Blechhh."

"It's a lot better than it sounds."

"People slobber all over each others' faces and call it a good thing. It's disgusting."

"It's also a lot better than it looks."

Lloyd made a face. "Yeah right."

_Ask him to prove it! _Yuan tried to communicate telepathically to Lloyd. _ASK HIM TO PROVE IT! YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO!_

"I want a muffin," Lloyd said, getting off the couch and heading into the makeshift kitchen. Zelos let out a grumble of protest as Lloyd abandoned his previous mission of massaging his back.

"Muffin!" Lloyd exclaimed.

Zelos pouted.

"What happened?" Cindi said, sitting up. She then saw Zelos…lying stomach-down on the couch…shirtless. "OMIGOD SO HOT!" And with that, she fainted again, this time nosebleeding all the while.

"Is she gonna be like this the whole time?" Lloyd asked sourly.

"She'll probably be better when Zelos puts his shirt back on," Kratos said.

"Oh." Lloyd considered this. "Well…do we absolutely _have _to take her with us?"

"She has a…uh…fatal disease."

Lloyd blinked. "Really?"

Kratos nodded gravely. "Yes. If she doesn't go out with Zelos at least once a week, she shall die."

"Hey, hey, wait—" Zelos started.

"I guess she'd better go out with Zelos, then," Lloyd said.

"I've never heard of anything like that," Yuan said suspiciously.

"Uhhh…" Kratos thought quickly, but interestingly, Lloyd was the one to help him out.

"Yuan!" Lloyd snapped. "Are you really willing to put her life on the line like that?"

"Lloyd—"

"Well, I'm not willing to risk it. It's just a date, right?"

"But—"

"What," Lloyd interrupted. "You want to risk her life on a hunch?"

"Well…uh…"

"Hey, hold on there!" Zelos protested. "That's easy for you to say and all…you don't have to go out with her!"

"Well, either you go out with her, or she dies. What're you gonna do?"

Zelos groaned, not sure whether this girl was good thing or not. He was leaning towards not.

"Well, then," Kratos said pleasantly. "I'll go to bed."

"I'll come," Yuan said quickly. Zelos snickered, only to be smacked by both seraphim as they passed.

"Hey, cut that out! My hair—"

"Shut up," Lloyd said. "I'm going up to bed, too. Don't stay out too late."

"Wha—"

"You're going on a date with her, right? Don't do anything I wouldn't do." Lloyd waved. "Night."

"If I did that, I wouldn't even be going on this date!" Zelos shouted after the brunette, who was already out of earshot. With that, Zelos cursed, swore, and then cursed some more.

Lloyd was _never _gonna give him a chance if he was going out with some girl every week…

* * *

Yuan glared at Kratos. "Medical condition?"

"Yes."

"In which she'll die if she doesn't go on a date with Zelos once a week?"

Kratos only nodded, feeling very pleased with himself.

"You are an evil, evil bastard."

"It could have been worse. I could have said she had to sleep with Zelos or she'd die."

Yuan scowled. "You're just afraid to lose."

"True. With Colette gone—"

"Fine! I'll step up the game, too." Yuan did some more glarings. "Just you wait."

Kratos shrugged. "Very well."

"You are _such _an evil, evil bastard."

"And?"

"And I love you."

Yuan had some strange tastes…

* * *

**Me: I actually liked writing this chapter a lot…hopefully it's good.**

**Lloyd: Why do you always think your writing sucks?**

**Mithos: Because she's a writer. Does she need any other reason?**

**Me: I'm really tired now…but I still wanna write!**

**Zelos: Then write!**

**Me: But I'm tired.**

**Lloyd: Then…go to sleep.  
Me: But I –yawn- wanna write!**

**Lloyd: Okay then…write while you sleep.**

**Me: Heyyyy…that's a good idea.**

**Lloyd: Yeah!**

**Me: Except for the minor little fact that IT'S IMPOSSIBLE!**

**Mithos: You're getting pissy. Get some sleep.**

**Me: I'm not pissy and I'm not…tired…zzz…**

**Mithos: Review.**

**Me: Fudge muffins…zzz…**


	12. Date

**Me: Well, people seemed to take Cindi's appearance well…**

**Lloyd: I didn't like her.**

**Me: Well, Lloyd, that's kind of the point…**

**Lloyd: I hope she dies in this chapter.**

**Me: Um, no. That's kind of defeat the purpose of introducing her in the first place…**

**Cindi: HIIII!**

**Lloyd: -eye twitch-**

**Zelos: Frankly, she scares me.**

**Me: Really? Why?**

**Zelos: She's blonde.**

**Mithos: I'm blonde.**

**Me: You also, um, tried to kill everyone.**

**Mithos: Whatever. Colette's blonde, too, isn't she?**

**Zelos: Colette terrifies me.**

**Me: I think she terrifies a lot of people. But…hey, wait, I'm blonde! NOOO! I'LL DYE MY HAIR PURPLE! AND RED! AND BLUE! AND GREEN! AND SHINY!**

**Zelos: You scare me most, I think.**

**Mithos: Shiny isn't a color…**

**Lloyd: I'm back.**

**Me: Were you gone?**

**Zelos: Uh…Lloyd? What's that?**

**Lloyd: Oh, this? Just Cindi's head.**

**Me: o.O Lloyd…**

**Lloyd: She started it.**

**Me: WELL DONE! I'M SO PROUD OF YOU!**

**Cindi's head: Accident Prone owns nothing. Except my severed, dripping, brained head.**

**Me: Lloyd did a good job, huh?**

**Cindi's head: It's a bit painful.**

**Lloyd: Neener neener.**

**Me: Um…yeah…okay. Fun fact…it's the two month aniversary of the day I started this…yeah. In case anyone cared.**

**

* * *

**

"Are you pissed off?" Yuan asked Lloyd, whose jaw was clenched, a ripped-to-shreds pillow beside him.

"No. Do I _look _pissed off?"

Yuan nodded twice. Slowly.

"Well, I'm _not_."

"Are you sure?"

Lloyd grabbed another pillow, fingers digging into it. "_Yes_."

"Because, uh, if I didn't know better, I'd think you weren't happy with Cindi going on a date with Zelos…"

Lloyd's eye twitched, and a few stitches ripped.

"Even though you _did _say they should go together."

"Do I look. Like I want. Her to die?"

"Clenching your teeth is bad for you."

"I'm. Not. Clenching. My. Teeth!"

"Well, you don't seem to be _happy_."

"Well, that would be because I'm n—" Lloyd caught himself, then snapped, "I'm fine."

"Uh huh." Yuan nodded as if he understood. "I believe you."

"You think I'm jealous, don't you?"

"Maybe."

"I'm not."

"Okay."

Lloyd's fingers ripped into the fabric of the pillow. Yuan winced. That was going to be pricey. "Why would I be jealous? I'm happy for them."

"Happy," Yuan agreed.

"Very. Do I look jealous?"

"Yes."

Lloyd glared, and Yuan held his hands up defensively. "Hey, I'm just saying what I see!"

"Oh, yeah? Like what?"

"Whenever someone mentions Cindi's name your eye twitches—yeah, like that."

"That doesn't mean I'm jealous."

"And you've destroyed three pillows with your bare hands."

"I have not," Lloyd said absently, then looked down at the ripped pillow, stuffing falling out, on his lap. "Okay, maybe I have. But how does that prove that I—"

"Well, even if you're not jealous, it couldn't hurt to spy on them."

"Spy on them."

"Yes."

"Zelos is my _friend_."

Yuan nodded wisely. "That's why we should spy on him."

Lloyd gave him an incredulous look.

"Look, Lloyd. Cindi _could_ be a…an alien!"

"An alien."

"A potato alien! Potato aliens like going on dates with, um, very attractive people. And kiss them. And eat their brains!"

"Well, Zelos is safe, then," Lloyd muttered. "He doesn't have any brains. And he's not attractive. Definitely not."

"Well, you have to admit that there's a possibility."

Lloyd scowled and ignored Yuan in favor of trying to stuff some of the stuffing back in the pillow—without much luck.

"And it couldn't hurt."

Lloyd's hands paused.

"Zelos is, after all, _very _popular. He could get mauled by women. And men."

"I really don't think—"

"It's a possibility. Do you really want to risk it?"

Lloyd's eyes narrowed. He was thinking about it.

"Besides, he always spied on you."

"He did not."

"In the shower."

"Liar."

Yuan shrugged. "Believe what you want. Are you coming or not?"

Lloyd pondered, then shrugged. "Fine."

* * *

"Did you hear something?" Cindi asked, glancing behind them. Zelos looked back, lowering his guard for a _fatal _instant, in which she grabbed his hand. "Oh, I guess it was my imagination."

Zelos tried to reclaim his hand but it didn't really work out too well. Cindi was very determined. "Are you sure?"

"Tee hee! I guess!"

"Hey, look over there!" he exclaimed.

"Huh?" she looked to where he was pointing, but unfortunately did not loosen her grip.

_Dammit, Lloyd, I'm gonna kick your ass when I get back. Just wait. And Kratos…oh, I'm going to _kill _him._

"WHY?" he screamed to the night sky. "WHY ME?"

"I know," she said cheerily. "We're so lucky to have found each other! I mean, we're perfect for each other, right?"

He glanced at her. _No, not really_. "I think there's a place here that serves…squid."

"Squid?"

"It's a…delicacy. It's all I eat."

"I love squid!" she said excitedly.

"Raw squid."

"I love raw squid!"

_Nooooooooo_…

So when they stared at some slimy globs on their plates a half hour later, Zelos felt the beginnings of despair. Was there really no getting rid of her? Really, it shouldn't be that hard. All he had to do was make her totally despise him. Like Sheena! Except, wait…Cindi would _like _it if he hit on her, so that was out.

"Cindi, I think you should know something about me. I'm…actually a…uh…uh…uh…"

A piece of paper conveniently fell on his plate. All that was written on it was "potato alien," in strangely familiar handwriting.

"I'm a potato alien," Zelos said, proud of the way he kept a straight face.

She blinked. "A what?"

"A potato alien. Haven't you heard of it?"

She blinked. "Oh…no, I…oh! I think I know what you're talking about."

Uh oh. "You do?"

"Mm-hm!" She took a bite of squid, and he flinched, hearing the disgusting _slurrrch_ as she chewed. "Totally. Don't worry, Zellie! I'll accept you no matter what."

His eye twitched. _Zellie_?

And he could have sworn he heard something off in the distance…

* * *

"Zellie?" Lloyd hissed. "_Zellie_? That's it, I'm _killing _her! I'm killing her dead!"

"Now, now, Lloyd—" Yuan started.

"Don't 'now, now' me! NO ONE CALLS ZELOS 'ZELLIE!' EVER!"

"Maybe we should go over where for awhile."

"Hey—hey! No! Let me go! I haven't killed her yet!"

"That's the point, Lloyd. We don't want her dead."

"We don't, he says. _We _don't! What about me!?"

"Lloyd—"

"NO FREAKING WAY AM I LETTING HER ANYWHERE NEAR—"

"Lloyd. Shut up."

Lloyd scowled. "I don't like her," he said poutily.

"That's okay."

"No it's not."

"It is too. I'm pretty sure Zelos didn't like Colette. You guys are even now."

Lloyd pouted. "I'd rather have Colette with us than Cindi."

"That's just because Colette wasn't flirting with Zelos, she was flirting with you."

"Oh, she was not."

"She was."

"No, she—"

"Hey, I think Zelos and Cindi are coming over here."

"_Don't change the subject_!"

"I'm not!" Yuan pointed. "See? I told you so."

"Shut up."

"I had fun," Cindi said happily, still holding Zelos's hand. He'd been trying to free it all night, too…

"Uh, yeah, sure. Uh…yeah. Likewise. Can I have my hand back n—"

"No, really. I had fun. I understand if you're a potato alien, I really do."

"Uh…" His mind went blank. "Okay?"

"I mean it. After all, I'm one too."

"I knew it," Yuan whispered.

"You are?" he said, suddenly faced with a dilemma. He couldn't ask her what a potato alien was, because then she'd know he was lying. Of course, he probably couldn't convince her for long that he knew what he was talking about, but…ehh, whatever.

"Mm-hm," she said with a nod, still holding his hand, unaware of the snarling red-clad swordsman just behind her. "It's where if you don't get a kiss every night, you die, right?"

"Uh…" _Uh oh. _ "No?"

"It is," she said, leaning in, and—

"Lloyd, NO!" Yuan snapped as Lloyd started forward.

"I can survive them dating just _fine_, but a kiss? SHE HAS GONE TOO FAR!"

"You can_not_ survive them dating just fine," Yuan scoffed, but Lloyd had already intervened.

"Hi, Zelos!" he said cheerfully, quickly pulling Cindi's hand free from Zelos's and tossing her into some prickly bushes. "You're late."

Zelos stared, a bit relieved. "Uh…hi, Lloyd."

"Hi."

"I thought you were asleep."

"Not anymore. Come on, let's go."

"Ow," said Cindi, pouting. Yuan was not very sympathetic. In fact, he stepped on her face before heading inside and up to his and Kratos's room, cackling to himself.

"How was your date?" Lloyd asked.

Zelos looked at the couch, which was covered in ripped up pillows. "Not that good."

"Really?"

"She insisted on holding my hand the whole time. And she likes raw squid! And she's…some sort of potato alien. And she tried to kiss me. And—"

"Have some pie," Lloyd said sympathetically.

"Lloyd, you know what?" Zelos asked, taking the pie and gazing at it with wonder in his eyes. "I love you, I really do. Pie? You are just too nice."

"Uhhhhhhh," Lloyd said, unable to think of anything else to say. "Yyyyyyyyyeah…I'm going upstairs…bye!"

And Kratos, when he woke in the middle of the night hours later, could not figure out why Yuan was snickering so much.

* * *

**Me: AHAHAHA! IT'S DONE!**

**Lloyd: Oh.**

**Me: AND IT'S DONE EARLY!**

**Lloyd: I'm shocked.**

**Me: I'm very happy with myself.**

**Zelos: Why didn't Cindi die yet?**

**Me: She's important to the plot.**

**Mithos: What plot?**

**Me: Look, just shut up, okay? She can't die yet because I said so. So there.**

**Lloyd: Can I kill her in the Author's Note thingy next chapter?**

**Zelos: And can I kill Colette?**

**Me: Honestly, you two, NO! You should know that killing Colette is MY job!**

**Mithos: Exactly.**

**Me: Why are you agreeing?**

**Lloyd: He must be drunk.**

**Mithos: I am not drunk!**

**Zelos: If more people review, she'll update faster (probably) and Cindi will die sooner! So, review!**

**Me: I never said I'd kill her off.**

**Zelos: BUT YOU HAVE TO!**

**Me: No, no, I actually have a plan for—**

**Zelos: KILL HER NOW!**

**Me: Geez, man, just chill. Everyone else—just review. So yeah.**


	13. Lake Umacy and the Unicorn

**Me: I have writer's block for most of my stories…**

**Zelos: Why did you give me a girlfriend? You know I don't go for blondes.**

**Me: Uh, well…to mix things up?**

**Lloyd: And what the hell was with the potato aliens?**

**Me: Now, look—**

**Mithos: This whole thing is ridiculous. Why didn't I get a girlfriend?**

**Me: Because everyone knows you're gay, Mithos. Gay and dead.**

**Mithos: That is so not true…**

**Me: He's lying.**

**Zelos: Well, duh. When do I break up with what's-her-name?**

**Me: I haven't decided yet.**

**Zelos: How about this chapter?**

**Me: Mmmm…nope.**

**Zelos: Why not?**

**Me: Because that'd be too easy. And besides, she'll die if that happens.**

**Lloyd: Really?**

**Me: It's very tragic.**

**Zelos: Well, I don't care! Can I break up with her now?**

**Me: No!**

**Lloyd: You killed her last chapter…**

**Me: You killed her, Lloyd, and it was in the Author's note. It's really rather rude. Accident Prone vow # 2: don't kill people. It's not nice.**

**Zelos: You killed Colette. And Marta.**

**Me: So? Accident Prone vows don't apply to me. See, like the Dwarven Vows, they're useful only when I need an excuse or when I need to lecture someone.**

**Lloyd: Oh, I get it.**

**Me: Right. Oh, and I might bring Colette back this chapter, so…**

**Zelos: No! NO! Just KILL HER!**

**Me: Colette's important to the story, Zelos.**

**Zelos: Ask me if I care.**

**Lloyd: Do you?**

**Zelos: NO! I want her to die.**

**Me: Ahahaha, Zelos is jealous.**

**Mithos: And Lloyd too!**

**Lloyd: I'm NOT JEALOUS!**

**Me: Uh huh. We believe you, Lloyd. Totally.**

**Mithos: -snort-**

**Cindi: Accident Prone owns everything! Or is it nothing? I can never remember! Teehee!**

**Lloyd: -kills Cindi-**

**Zelos: o.O**

* * *

"How was your date last night?" Kratos asked (a bit smugly) at breakfast.

"Zelos is a potato alien," Cindi said.

Kratos snorted coffee out his nose, then turned to regard the girl. "Come again?"

"A potato alien."

"So's she," Lloyd said calmly, still drawing madly.

Zelos peeked over at what Lloyd was drawing, and his eyes widened. "Oh. Oh, my."

"A potato alien," Kratos repeated.

"Don't 'oh my' my drawing," Lloyd said. "I find drawing to be very relaxing."

"But a picture of Cindi being guillotined?"

"_Very _relaxing. Hmm, I think it needs more blood. Hand me the red pencil, okay?"

"YAY UNICORNS AND LOLLIPOPS AND RAINBOWS!" a familiar voice exclaimed.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Yuan screamed as Colette walked in, tripped over her own feet, knocked over the table, and caused a minor disaster.

"I'm back," she said.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Zelos wailed.

"Welcome back," Lloyd said.

"Hi, Lloyd!" she squealed, as Kratos cheered silently to himself. "Guess what? BINKY'S HERE!"

"Okay, that's not good," he said.

"I like binkies," Cindi said.

"Do you like fifteen-foot tall black skeletons with six swords that intend to kill you?" Lloyd asked.

"Um, no, not particularly."

"You probably won't like Binky, then."

Kratos groaned. "We're going to get kicked out of this inn, too, aren't we?"

As he finished these words, the Sword Dancer crashed through the doorway. And they had been doing so well.

"Oh my g…" the innkeeper gasped, then fainted.

"Uh oh," Lloyd said.

"Binky!" Colette exclaimed.

"Is it stalking us or something?" Lloyd asked Zelos.

"I think so…come on, let's get out of here."

"THUNDER BLADE!" Yuan screamed, hysterical once again. "JUDG—"

Kratos swiftly knocked Yuan out before he could cast four Judgments in the space of five seconds again and started charging up his own Judgment.

"Aieee!" Cindi shrieked, and kicked the Sword Dancer where his balls should have been. Unfortunately for her, skeletons do not have that particular bit of anatomy. "Ow ow ow! My foot!"

After Kratos had Judgmented its ass and killed it once again, leaving Colette to sob, he noticed Lloyd and Zelos were nowhere to be found.

"Not again," he grumbled, and went off to find them.

* * *

"She terrifies me," Zelos mumbled, lying on his back by Lake Umacy.

"Who? Colette or Cindi?" Lloyd was lying on his side, eyes closed against the sun.

"Both, I guess, but…Cindi tried to _kiss _me."

"I guess she just really _likes _you." Lloyd's comment was more of a snarl than anything else.

"What do you think of her?"

"What do I think of her? What do I _think _of her? She's a potato alien! She's obviously trying to kill you! She doesn't even _look _good! She's annoying! She drives me absolutely insane! I can't believe you have to go out with her."

Zelos paused. Lloyd sounded almost jealous. _Nahh, _he decided. _Just my imagination. _"So you don't like her?"

Lloyd scowled. "Didn't the picture of her severed head clue you in to that?"

"Man…" Zelos groaned. "Maybe we'll get lucky and she'll suddenly be cured one day."

"Maybe that doctor in Flanoir can do something," Lloyd mumbled.

"YAYZ! UNICORNS!" Colette exclaimed. Both groaned simultaneously.

"I guess they found us—I mean, caught up with us," Lloyd said.

"Oh, man, that sucks! I mean—yeah, I'm glad they…caught up with us."

"I like unicorns," Cindi said.

"I like corn on the cob," Colette said randomly.

"Tee hee! Me too!"

There was a sort of snarling and growling noise, which they assumed was Kratos.

"Somewheeeeeeeeeere over the rainbow…" Yuan sang.

"Zellie!" Cindi exclaimed, ignoring the glares she was getting from a certain red-clad swordsman who couldn't decide whether or not it'd be a bad idea to kill her right here and now. "I missed you!"

"Uh huh," Zelos said, hiding behind Lloyd. "Uh…me too…sure. LOOK! A UNICORN!"

"YAYZ!" Colette shrieked.

"I like unicorns. Do you like unicorns, Zellie?" Cindi asked brightly.

Lloyd's eye twitched, and he picked up Cindi and threw her in the Lake. Zelos tsked.

"Rude," he said.

Kratos groaned, hiding his face in his hands as Cindi crawled out, dripping wet. Why? WHY?

"Hellooooooo ladies," said the unicorn.

"Wow, a Zelos impression!" Colette clapped her hands in delight.

"That was _so _good!" Cindi said. "Do another!"

"That wasn't an impression, hunny. I like ladies."

"Wow, that one was even better!"

"I feel insulted," Zelos muttered.

Feeling bored, Yuan started singing "somewhere over the rainbow" again. Colette started jumping up and down.

"I LOVE RAINBOWS!" she said.

"OMIGOD ME TOO!" Cindi said.

The unicorn proceeded to stab the two of them repeatedly with its horn.

"I don't like rainbows," it said reasonably, as if that explained everything.

"Oh my," said Zelos as Kratos looked upon Colette and Cindi's broken, bleeding bodies with dismay.

"Could you heal them?" he asked the unicorn, who shook its head.

"Why? So I can stab and skewer and kill them again? Okay, if you insist."

"NO! So they stay alive."

"Don't do it!" Yuan cried. "It's a trap!"

"I'm not letting you win by default!"

Yuan burst into tears. "Kratos is being meeeeeeeean!"

"Will you please just heal them!" Kratos snapping, doing his evil glare thing.

"Mmkay," said the unicorn. "FIRST AAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaid…"

"Oh darn, my face hurts," said Cindi.

"STABBY STABBY!" the unicorn yelled, and went to stab Cindi once again. Her voice _did _that to people. Like Marta's. And sometimes Colette's.

"No no no," Kratos said firmly, grabbing the unicorn by its horn and flinging it into Lake Umacy.

"Bad unicorn," Yuan said admonishingly, wagging his finger.

"Tee hee!" Cindi giggled. Lloyd's eye twitched again.

"That was such a cute unicorn!" Colette squealed. "His tail was so cute."

"I'm a girl, thank you very much," the unicorn's voice rumbled.

"Her tail was so cute."

"And I don't have a tail."

"Her horn was so cute!"

The unicorn made a disgusted noise.

"Asgard," Kratos said firmly.

"What?" Yuan said.

"We're going to Asgard. Let's go."

"Can't we just stay at the House of Salvation?" Lloyd asked. Kratos paused.

"What House of Salvation?" Yuan asked.

"The one that's closer to here than Asgard."

"That's funny," Yuan said. "There wasn't one there three hundred years ago!"

"It must be relatively new," Kratos said.

"Oldies," Zelos whispered, forgetting about the angelic hearing of these oldies. Glares were cast his way, and he was thrown into Lake Umacy.

It did not put him in a good mood as they walked all the way to that House of Salvation…

* * *

**Zelos: Almost. Almost! I almost made it a whole chapter without something terrible happening to me!**

**Me: Yeah, well, that just wouldn't have been my style, y'know?**

**Lloyd: I liked the unicorn.**

**Me: So did I, Lloyd.**

**Zelos: They should have stayed dead.**

**Me: They weren't dead, they were just really injured. Okay?**

**Mithos: Why are you so insane?**

**Me: FLYING MONKEY BANANAS!**

**Mithos: o.O If you're trying to convince me you're not insane, it's not really working…**

**Me: Ahahaha. I'm just a little random.**

**Zelos: A little?**

**Lloyd: Fish!**

**Zelos: Fish?**

**Me: Totally an acronym. See? Fudgemuffins, I So-totally Super-Love Hreviewers. **

**Mithos: Hreviewers?**

**Me: Just plain "reviewer" doesn't start with h.**

**Zelos: Then wouldn't it be "fisr?"**

**Me: Too awkward to say.**

**Lloyd: …**

**Lloyd: I was…just saying "fish"…**


	14. Washtubs

**Me: This is kind of horrible. I haven't updated in--**

**Zelos: The fact that Cindi and Colette didn't stay dead? I agree.**

**Lloyd: Me too.**

**Mithos: Me three. Let's kill them. In their sleep. AHAHAHAHA!**

**Me: Security…**

**Cindi: Teehee! Hi!**

**Lloyd: Grrrr…**

**Me: No killing her this time.**

**Marta: I'll be security!**

**Colette: Oh, me too!**

**Me: Well, this is convenient.**

**Marta: Um…that's a very nice fire axe…**

**Me: I know…**

**Mithos: JUDGMENT! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!**

**Lloyd: Yay!**

**Zelos: Wow, that was awesome.**

**Me: M…MITHOS!**

**Mithos: Oh, yay, they're totally dead!**

**Me: THAT WAS MY JOB!**

**Mithos: You should have been faster at it.**

**Me: -sniff- I'm gonna cry.**

**Zelos: Again?**

**Lloyd: Crybaby.**

**Me: You guys are sooo mean.**

**Mithos: Maybe if you'd let them get together, they'd be less mean.**

**Me: I have a PLAN for when they get together, actually. And…I might actually bump that scene up. Maybe in a few chapters or so…maybe.**

**Zelos: Sheesh, about time. So, I break up with Cindi, right?**

**Me: Um…**

**Zelos: RIGHT?**

**Me: I own nothing.**

**Zelos: Now, wait a minute!**

**Me: This feels to me like one of my "meh" chapters. It's short and Colette and Cindi are really scary in it…**

**

* * *

**

"Somewhere over the rainbow…"

"We all live in a yellow submarine, yellow submarine…"

"Eighty-six million, twelve thousand, and eleven bottles of beer on the wall…"

They were walking towards the Thoda Geyser Dock, and as usual, Kratos's eye was twitching uncontrollably.

"Are you feeling all right?" Yuan asked, stopping in his singing.

Kratos was breathing deeply. "Fine."

"Your eye is twitching."

"It always does that."

"Woops!" Colette cried, tripping over a blade of grass and falling on top of Lloyd. "Oh, that was totally an accident."

Cindi gave her the thumbs-up. "Well done, Colette!"

Zelos hauled Colette off Lloyd and threw her into the ocean and helped Lloyd up.

"I think they've got a master, evil plan," he said. "Be careful."

Lloyd nodded, glaring at the blondes suspiciously. "We'll take turns being night watch."

"Deal."

"What were we at?"

"Eighty-six million, twelve thousand, and eleven."

"Right."

They continued singing. Kratos's fingers curled into claws.

"We could just ditch," Yuan suggested. "And call me the winner. You know it's got to happen eventually."

"It has _not_."

"Mm-hm."

"Oh, goody!" Cindi squealed. "Washtubs!"

Zelos stared. "W…washtubs?"

"Uh huh!" Lloyd nodded enthusiastically. "They rock like crazy, and water splooshes in, and you think you're gonna die! It's great!"

"Great?" Zelos squeaked. "Are you sure we have to…what about the Rheairds?"

"We can't just fly Rheairds to the geyser," Yuan said.

"Why not? I don't want to die!"

"Oh, come on. They're great. As soon as you stop hyperventilating, it's better. Of course, the Professor _never _stopped hyperventilating." Lloyd nodded. "It's fun, okay?"

"Fun? This is what you did for fun? Oh, Lloyd. I'm so sorry."

"Oh, look." Cindi pointed. "We'll have to double up! There are only three washtubs! I'll go with Zel—"

"I GOT ZELOS!" Lloyd screamed at the top of his lungs, shoving Cindi into the water.

"Aww, Lloyd's so assertive," Zelos said, pulling Lloyd into the (very small) washtub. Yuan snickered.

Kratos deathglared them.

"Come on, Kratos!" Yuan squealed, grabbing the seraph's cape and yanking, making him fall backwards on top of him.

Cindi and Colette looked at each other and climbed into the remaining washtub, sighing.

"Really, it's just as well," Yuan said cheerfully. "I mean, _they're _both dripping wet. No one else is."

Kratos ground his teeth, and they set out.

"Aieeeeee!" Zelos wailed, snuggling up to Lloyd, throwing his arms around the red-clad teenager. "Lloyd, we're gonna dieeeee!"

"I don't…th…ink…uhh…yeah…you'd better keep hanging onto me."

"Okay!"

Colette and Cindi glared at the two of them.

"We've got to do something," Colette said.

"Totally."

"We could kill Zelos."

"No!" Cindi looked horrified. "We should kill Lloyd."

"Never! Or…oh, maybe we could ask Kratos to get Lloyd to go out with me!"

"Or I could go out with Zelos every day!"

"Or both!"

"And we could kill Yuan!"

Colette blinked. "Yuan? Why Yuan?"

"I've seen him plotting. I noticed him with Lloyd when I was on my date with Zelos. He obviously wants to break us apart."

"Oh." Colette nodded. "But, um, then Kratos might get mad!"

"Oh, yeah. And he is so _totally _badass."

"Yeah. But Lloyd defeated him once!"

"Oh, so we could get Lloyd to care about us, and then he could protect us from Kratos!"

"Lloyd _did _say he'd protect me. And he never lies. He stands by Dwarven Vow eleven."

"Dwarven…vow?"

"I HATE THAT SAYING!" Lloyd yelled from a few yards away.

"No, Lloyd, they were talking about eleven, not seven," Zelos reassured him.

"Oh. I guess that's okay, then."

"Mm-hm," Zelos agreed, snuggling in more.

Colette paused. "Are you sure we can't kill Zelos?"

* * *

"You two can get _out _now," Kratos growled at Zelos and Lloyd.

Zelos shook his head. "No we can't. We're stuck."

"Yeah. I really don't think these were meant for two people…" Lloyd shifted. "But it's okay! At least I'm not with Colette. That would be awkward."

"And at least I'm not with Cindi," Zelos said. "That would be emotionally scarring."

"Oh, Zellie." Cindi sighed. "You know you love me."

"I do not!"

"Yeah," Lloyd grumbled. "Potato alien!"

She pouted. "You're mean!"

"Colette, take Lloyd's hand," Kratos commanded. "I'll take Zelos's. That should get them out." Surely angelic strength would…

The washtub ended up getting lifted out of the water.

"Ow, my arm."

"Noooo! Don't rip off my beautiful arm!"

Kratos sighed, and looked at Yuan, who hid the tube of superglue behind his back innocently. "This isn't working. We'll have to carry them like this until we find a better way."

Zelos, Lloyd, and Yuan secretly cheered.

Things were looking good for team Yuan-Zelos.

* * *

**Zelos: Oh, man, this is great! Nothing bad happened to me, AND I'm stuck in a tiny little washtub with Lloyd!**

**Lloyd: Yessss!**

**Mithos: It's too good to last, isn't it?**

**Me: Eh, I don't know. I haven't really planned this out. I just felt like being nice to them for a little bit. Don't worry, I'll make up for it next chapter.**

**Zelos: No, that's okay.**

**Lloyd: Really okay. Better than okay.**

**Me: Mm-hm…well. You know that Team Kratos-Colette's gonna make their move next, right?**

**Lloyd: Oh dear.**

**Me: They'll probably be thwarted.**

**Zelos: Probably?**

**Me: I haven't thought that far ahead yet. I just kinda figured, hey! Let's make Lloyd and Zelos suffer more soon!**

**Lloyd: I think that's a bad idea.**

**Me: Your mom thinks that's a bad idea.**

**Lloyd: Uh…my mom's dead.**

**Zelos: Mine, too!**

**Me: Okie dokie, sounds fantastic. Review, okay? Oh, and sorry for the long wait. I got…um…writer's blocked. SO YEAH!**


	15. Another date

**Me: I think it's time for some Zelos torture! Everyone cheer!**

**Mithos: WOOO!**

**Zelos: No! Not woo! Boo! BOO!**

**Mithos: WOOOO!**

**Me: WOOOO!**

**Lloyd: I'm staying out of this one…**

**Zelos: Why are you all so cruel?**

**Me: Ahahahaha. Because we can. And, and because I love torturing you! Because you're one of my favorite characters. Besides, for two chapters—TWO!—you didn't go through any trauma at all. So, I kinda have to make up for that.**

**Zelos: No you don't! Those were my FAVORITE TWO CHAPTERS!**

**Me: I know. We can't have that.**

**Zelos: This is…YOU CAN'T ABUSE YOUR WORKERS LIKE THIS! I demand a pay raise.**

**Lloyd: We get paid? Cool!**

**Mithos: I don't get paid. That's not fair…**

**Me: Mithos, you don't get paid because you're dead. And because I fired you awhile back. **

**Lloyd: So, when do we get paid?**

**Me: Um…you don't.**

**Zelos: Ohoho, so it IS slave labor! **

**Me: Um…I guess you could see it like that…**

**Lloyd: But, wait, all we do is sit around and insult her…**

**Zelos: Shhhh!**

**Me: -.- Come on, guys…just disclaim me and we'll get on with the Zelos-torture—I mean, the chapter.**

**Mithos: AccidentproneownsnothingONWITHTHESTORY!**

**Zelos: I think you're getting a bit too into this…**

* * *

"Pull!" Kratos commanded. "PULL!"

Cindi, Kratos, Yuan, and Colette pulled.

"Aaaaaaugh! My arm!"

"This isn't working," Lloyd said over Zelos's screams. "It's almost like we're superglued in."

Yuan whistled innocently. Kratos arched a brow at him, then turned back to glare at Zelos and Lloyd, who were still crammed into the tiny washtub, not looking too unhappy about it. Even though they'd been dragged up and down stairs by their arms…

"Yeah, it's really not working," Zelos said, hiding his 'poor, injured arms' from Kratos. "You should start yanking on Lloyd's arms!"

Kratos frowned. "If it didn't work to pull your arm, I hardly think it would work to pull Lloyd's."

Zelos pouted. "You just really don't like me, do you?"

"It's okay, Zelos," Lloyd said cheerfully, hugging the redhead. "_I_ like you."

Kratos's nostrils flared and his left eye twitched.

"The only thing I can think to do is to cut their pants away," Yuan said cheerfully.

Cindi clapped her hands. "Omigod, _yes_! That would be, like, so totally perfect!"

"Yeah!" Colette nodded enthusiastically. "Do it!"

Zelos and Lloyd exchanged an 'oh shit' look.

"You can't do that!" Zelos cried. "These were…uh…expensive pants! Yeah!"

"And we all know that you can't afford another pair," Yuan murmured.

Zelos and Lloyd looked at each other again.

"My pants can't be bought in a store!" Lloyd burst out. "They're Dwarven made!"

Kratos facepalmed. "You only have one pair of pants?"

"I've got another pair back _home,_ but…"

"Then Yuan will get them," he said.

"What?" Yuan cried.

"You'll go to Zelos's and Lloyd's place to get them more pants, won't you?"

"No?"

"Yes, you will. Thank you, Yuan. In the meantime, we'll buy Zelos some of the pants that vendor is selling for his date with Cindi tonight."

Yuan, Zelos, and Lloyd froze. Cindi could practically feel the aura of doom and fury emanating from Lloyd, and she backed away.

"I'm so happy for you, Zelos!" Colette squealed. "I'm so glad that Sheena's constant rejections didn't mess with your head. Oh, and her smacks."

Zelos groaned and his forehead fell to the edge of the washtub. "Why meeeee?"

Lloyd glared at Cindi with narrowed eyes, one thought coursing through his mind: _You're going down, missy._

"It's been almost a week," Kratos said, impressively with a straight face. "You don't want her to die, do you?"

"Oh, I don't know," Lloyd grumbled, still glaring.

Yuan sighed in defeat. "Fine. I'll go. Lloyd! Don't forget! Potato alien!"

Lloyd nodded solemnly. "I know."

"Toodles!" he said happily as he unfolded his wings and sprang into the air with a skip.

Kratos pumped a fist into the air. _Yesss! _He cheered to himself. Victory was within sight. With no Yuan to interfere, too…

"Stand back," Kratos said, lifting an axe and swinging it at the washtub. Lloyd and Zelos screamed girlishly.

"Are you trying to kill us?" Lloyd demanded.

"Yeah, seriously!" Zelos snapped. "We can't exactly move, you know!"

Kratos rolled his eyes. "Fine. Cindi, hand me those scissors."

"Okay!" she chirped.

A few minutes later, Lloyd and Zelos sat in the washtub, pantless. Kratos wore a smirk of satisfaction, arms crossed. Cindi and Colette were practically drooling with anticipation. Lloyd and Zelos exchanged another look, a bit worried about the looks on Cindi's and Colette's faces.

"What are you waiting for?" Kratos asked.

"Make them turn around," Zelos said. "I don't like how they're looking at me."

"Get real!" Lloyd gave Zelos's shoulder a shove. "They're looking at _me _like that."

"What? Are you kidding? Why would they be looking at you when there's _me_ to—"

"Turn around," Kratos said with a long-suffering sigh. They did so, and Colette whipped out a mirror and tried to get a good glimpse of them in it. Cindi leaned over for a peek.

"Lloyd," Kratos said in a carefully controlled voice, seeing him push himself up against Zelos and grab the redhead's butt. "What. Are. You. _Doing_?"

"Protecting Zelos's butt!" Lloyd yelled defensively. "What does it look like?"

"My butt needs protecting," Zelos said. "It's _that _hot."

Kratos's eye twitched.

"Then again, Lloyd's butt probably needs protecting, too."

"Go for it," Lloyd said cheerfully. "I can always use more protection."

"You know it."

They sidled over to the random vendor that sold gels and, strangely enough, pants.

"Pants," Kratos said, and pointed at Zelos. "For him."

A few minutes later, Cindi drooled at the sight of Zelos. But, you know, nothing was really new. Both Colette and Zelos drooled at the sight of Lloyd, who also drooled at the sight of Zelos. But other than that, he remained rather oblivious.

"Why did they only have really tight pants?" Zelos demanded. "I don't _like _tight pants."

"They make your butt look good, Zellie!" Cindi exclaimed. "It's okay."

Zelos gave her a creeped out look, then backed away.

"Have fun on your date," Kratos said smugly.

* * *

"Ow!" Cindi squeaked, touching the back of her head and looking up to the sky, frowning.

Zelos didn't ask what was up. He was kind of busy trying to free his hand from her grip. Again.

"I think a rock hit my head," Cindi said.

"Okay."

Up in a tree, Lloyd aimed a slightly larger pebble at Cindi's head and threw. Hard.

"Owieeee!" she whined, holding her head again. "It's almost like someone's throwing rocks at me from a tree or something!"

Zelos spotted Lloyd in the tree and tried to not burst out laughing. "That's ridiculous," he assured her. "No one would bother with you."

"Oh, Zellie! Really?"

That hadn't been a compliment, but whatever.

"Hiyah!" Lloyd yelled (softly) and chucked a large boulder her way.

"AIEEEEEE!" she screamed, and hid behind Zelos, who got smooshed by the rock. "Oh, Zellie! You protected me!"

"Ow…I assure you, it was unintentional…"

Feeling kind of bad, Lloyd resolved to not miss this time. He chucked another, and it bounced off Zelos's back, sending him crashing to the ground, Cindi on top of his legs.

"Aaaaaaaagh!"

Oops. Third time's the charm, Lloyd reminded himself, and threw an especially pointy rock at Cindi.

"AHHHH! Not the butt!"

"Zellie!" Cindi wailed. "Your butt!"

"Owowowowow."

Feeling even worse, Lloyd hoped that the fourth time would be the charm, and threw another rock. It hit Cindi in the face and knocked her out cold. Satisfied with the results (hey, _he _didn't have a medium-sized rock sticking out his butt), Lloyd jumped out of the tree.

"Are you okay?" he asked Zelos.

"_No, _I'm not okay, I just got hit by a—" Zelos stopped.

Stared.

"What are you looking at?"

"Aaaagabababaflunnnn," Zelos said articulately. Translation: Nice underwwear, Lloyd.

"Are you feeling okay?"

"Aaaaahhhhhhhhh."

Lloyd decided that maybe Zelos had gotten hit one too many times by a rock, and picked him up to be First Aided by Kratos, making sure to step on Cindi many times (eight!) on the way to his father.

And Zelos couldn't help but think that maybe getting hit by three rocks was worth all of this. Then he remembered that Lloyd would still be wearing boxers even if he _had _gone through with the date. And _then _he remembered that this meant he didn't have to have a very long date.

It had definitely been worth it.

* * *

**Zelos: You hit me with rocks?!**

**Me: No no no, that was Lloyd.**

**Lloyd: It was not! My aim is NOT that bad.**

**Me: That's what she said.**

**Lloyd: What?  
Zelos: At least I didn't have to go on a real date with Cindi.**

**Me: Yeah, I know. That comes next chapter, I think…**

**Zelos: WHAT?**

**Me: I was too tired to write it tonight…**

**Mithos: That's SAD! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!**

**Me: You guys should all review…yeah. I'm sleepy now…  
**


	16. Pants are good

**Me: I'm back! I'm back! I think the Writer's Block is gone…**

**Zelos: Oh, mannn!**

**Mithos: YESSS! Zelos gets tortured this chapter, right?**

**Me: Of course! He goes on a date with Cindi.**

**Zelos: I went on a date with her last chapter!**

**Me: And now you get to go on another date!**

**Zelos: -pout- I wanna go on a date with Lloyd…**

**Me: In a few chapters. I promise. Probably…**

**Lloyd: Are you lying?**

**Me: No…**

**Lloyd: Are you lying about lying?**

**Me: No…**

**Lloyd: DWARVEN VOW NUMBER ELEVEN! DON'T LIE OR STEAL! DON'T DO IT!**

**Me: o.O Lloyd…okay. I promise! Only a few more chapters!**

**Lloyd: How many?**

**Me: If you're lucky…three.**

**Zelos: That's if we're LUCKY? Think of how much torture you could put us through in three chapters!**

**Me: I know! Great, right?**

**Zelos: Not really…**

**Me: But if you're unlucky…it could be, like, idk, eight or something.**

**Zelos: Ei…THAT'S NOT A FEW!**

**Lloyd: NOOO! DON'T STEAL!**

**Me: I…I'm not planning to! Just…gahh, disclaim me, Mithos.**

**Mithos: She owns nothing. Except Cindi. We all feel sorry for her for that…**

**Me: Right. I felt...odd...while writing this. So yeah.  
**

**

* * *

**

Lloyd wasn't very happy. At all. There was the minor fact that Cindi was still alive.

And the minor, _minor _fact that Kratos had thought it would be a simply brilliant idea to set Cindi on Zelos's lap while he examined her head. Lloyd was scowling and pouting at the same time. An impressive feat.

"I don't _get _it," she whined. "All of a sudden, rocks just, like, started tumbling down _towards _us! That doesn't usually happen! It's almost like someone was trying to kill me!"

Zelos raised a brow at Lloyd, who didn't even notice, he was so intent on glaring at Cindi.

Kratos blinked. "But…I sent Yuan away…" he muttered. "He must have sneaked back…"

"I bet it was a jealous girl," Cindi declared. "They're jealous that I have Zellie aaaaaaall to myself!" And with that cheerful note, she hugged Zelos. Hard.

"Aaaagh," Zelos gasped as all air was squeezed out of him. "My ribs…"

Lloyd's eye twitched. He looked surprisingly like Kratos just then.

"I'm baa-aaack," Yuan sang, swinging a plastic bag filled with pants. He stared at the glaring Lloyd, the dying Zelos, and the happy Cindi. "Hello. What's this?"

"A rock hit Cindi in the head," Kratos said, glaring at Yuan. "Do you know anything about this?"

"Uh, no. Why would I? By the way, Dirk is _terrifying_."

Lloyd ceased his glaring long enough to look at Yuan. surprised. "Dad? Really? I never thought of him as—"

"He was yelling something about Dwarven Vow 862: never waste a good pair of pants. He was acting like it was my fault Kratos ripped them to shreds."

"I only rip your pants to shreds," Kratos said calmly, causing Lloyd to gag. "I just cut theirs up."

"So, wait, how did you get the pants, then?" Lloyd asked. "Usually if he's yelling Dwarven Vows like that, you can't do anything but hide behind a rock until it's over…"

Yuan shrugged. "I just stole them."

"You what!"

"You left your window unlocked."

"You mean you were rooting through my—"

"Oh, and I found this photo album. Funny, though, it only has pictures of—"

"MY PRECIOUS!" Lloyd yelled at the top of his lungs, diving for the photo album and hugging it in his arms. "Mine," he growled.

"I didn't even know it was possible to get that many pictures of Zelos," Yuan said quietly, so that he wouldn't be overheard. It was unlikely Zelos would hear, though, as he was now passed out from lack of oxygen.

Lloyd glared. He was in a glaring mood. "Shut up, at least I don't steal all of Zelos's clothing so he can't get dressed all day."

"Yeah, but I bet you'd like to."

"Shut up."

Yuan patted Lloyd's shoulder sympathetically. "It's okay. It's understandable. I'm sure that once you guys are a couple, you'll do it all the time."

"Yeah, you know what? I'm ignoring you now."

"Lloyd is blushing, Lloyd is blushing!" Yuan sang. Lloyd promptly threw him out the window, taking delight in the screams and crunches he heard.

"OH NO!" Cindi wailed, shaking Zelos's unmoving body. "ZELLIEEEEE! DON'T DIE!"

"You…" Lloyd was staring at Cindi, dumbfounded. "DID YOU KILL ZELOS?"

"I didn't meeeeeeeeean to!" Cindi bawled. "Oh no! Now he'll never marry me!"

"He never would have in the first place! GET OFF HIS LAP!" Lloyd being Lloyd didn't really wait for her to move and instead threw her out the same window he'd thrown Yuan.

"Oof," said Yuan as the blonde fell on top of him. But no one noticed.

"Lloyd," Kratos admonished.

"Zelos! ZELOS! SPEAK TO MEEEEEE!" Lloyd screamed, shaking Zelos vigorously. Zelos, of course, remained unresponsive. "NOOOOOOOOOO!"

"Lloyd," Kratos said impatiently, shoving his son aside. "I know what to do. I'll give him mouth-to-mou—"

"NO! I'LL DO IT!" Lloyd shouted grandly, shoving Kratos aside and doing his thing.

Kratos groaned, face falling into his hands. _He obviously cares a lot about his friend. His friend. They're only friends. _Repeating this little mantra made Kratos feel a lot better.

"HE'S ALIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE!"

"Ugh…what…"

"ZELOS! SPEAK TO ME!"

"What…"

"CINDI ALMOST KILLED YOU! ARE YOU OKAY?"

Zelos stared at his screaming friend, and nodded a few times, dazedly. "Uh…yeah?"

"Lloyd had to give you CPR," Kratos said calmly. "It's thanks to him you're—"

Zelos stared at Lloyd, who blushed. "What?" he muttered.

Lloyd.

CPR.

Mouth-to-mouth.

Lloyd.

Mouth-to-mouth.

Lloyd's mouth to his mouth.

Zelos made a fanboyish scream of joy, then passed out again from sheer excitement.

"OH NO!" Cindi wailed, running towards Zelos. "IS ZELLIE OKAY?"

"_Zelos_," Lloyd said stiffly, glaring a deathglare that put even Kratos to shame, "is fine."

"I'm so glad…I was so worried about him."

"Then don't ALMOST KILL HIM!" Lloyd turned to Kratos, fuming. "Can we kick her out now? She almost killed Zelos."

"No," Kratos said firmly. "She'll die if Zelos doesn't go out with her, remember?"

Lloyd scowled. "Fine. Whatever."

"They'll be going on their real date as soon as Zelos wakes up," Kratos said, standing. "I'll look around for information on the Exspheres. You, Yuan, and Colette are on your own for dinner."

And then he left.

Zelos woke up. "Where am I?"

"Oh, yay!" Colette clapped her hands. "Zelos is awake! And Lloyd didn't even have to do CPR this time!"

Lloyd groaned. "Colette…shut up."

Zelos did his stare thing again, being reminded of the fact that Lloyd had basically been kissing him and sitting on his lap with _no pants on _and he'd missed it! Missed. It.

That was just unfair.

"I brought pants," Yuan said, holding up the bag. Zelos practically dove into it, holding up his white pants.

"YESSSSSSSS!" he cheered. "My pants!"

"You brought mine, too, right?" Lloyd asked, and Yuan nodded, tossing the black pants to him.

"But Yuaaa-aaan," Zelos whined, pouting. "Lloyd looks _good _without pants on! I mean…look at his stylish underwear! It's a shame he has to hide this from the world!"

Lloyd rolled his eyes and pulled his pants on. "You weirdo."

"Yeah, yeah." Zelos pulled his own pants on, and Cindi and Lloyd mourned the loss of Zelos's tight pants.

"Come on, Zellie!" Cindi squealed, grabbing Zelos's hand and pulling him out the door. "Let's go on our _date_! Teehee!"

"Nooo," Zelos wailed to himself, but let himself be pulled out the door. Yuan and Lloyd looked at each other.

"We can't let that potato alien prevail!" Lloyd said grandly.

Yuan nodded. "Exactly. We'll follow them and take action if needbe."

"Sounds good."

* * *

Despite what had happened last time, Zelos really had enjoyed knowing that Lloyd was close, ready to defend him from the terror known as Cindi. Now that Lloyd wasn't there, he found himself panicking.

_It's okay. Really. She's only a girl. What can she do?_

"Eeeeeek!" Cindi screamed, jumping up and grabbing onto Zelos. "Did you see that?"

"See…what?" he asked around her hair.

"It was soooo scary."

"Can you please get down now?"

She pouted, but did so. "So, Zellie! You like me, right?"

Zelos could have sworn he heard a snarling behind him. He shook his head and said, "No, not really."

Her face fell. "Why _not_?"

"Um…" _Because you're a scary, scary lady? _"Because…" _Because you're not Lloyd? _"…My curse makes it difficult for me to like people," he blurted, then mentally smote himself. _Curse? What curse? Gahhh, I'm an idiot!_

"What curse?" she asked.

"The…potato alien curse."

"Oh…I have that too." She smiled sympathetically. "I understand, Zellie. How long have you had it?"

"Uhhh…" his mind went blank. "A few…weeks?"

"Oh." She nodded. "I've had it all my life."

"Oh…"

"It's really hard, you know? Having to kiss someone every night…" she shrugged. "It was easy at first, when I was a kid. But now, it's hard to find someone understanding enough to kiss me every night."

Zelos froze. _Oh shit. I have to…_kiss _her? Every _night_?_

"Oh," he squeaked.

"Who've you been kissing?"

"Uhhh…"

"You have to kiss someone every night or you die," she prompted. "Who've you been kissing? Come on, tell me. I won't get jealous, I promise, Zellie!"

"Uh…Lloyd! You know…hot guy in the suspenders…"

He could have sworn he heard a choking sound behind him then.

"Oh, the spiky haired one?"

"There are two spiky haired ones. One's great and the other's pretty much not as great. He acts like he has a stick up his ass half the time. Lloyd's the cool one."

"Hmm…"

"He wears red…I was in the washtub with him…"

"Oh." Cindi's face darkened. "Him. I don't like him."

"Why not?"

"I just don't trust him! He's got a sneaky look about him."

Zelos tried not to laugh. "_Lloyd_?"

"You should be careful around him, Zellie," she said. "I bet he plans to use you."

"Uh huh. Sure."

"I mean it."

"Mm-hm."

"But don't worry!" she said, cheering up. "You'll never have to kiss him again! You've got me!"

"Oh…no, no, that's okay. Lloyd's a really, uh, _good _kisser. I don't mind kissing him at all, and I, um, just don't feel…yeah, why look at the time! Bedtime. Gotta go!"

"Zellie," she prodded. "I have to kiss someone anyway. Why don't you just kiss me and we can get two birds with one stone?"

Zelos froze and looked at her. "Uhhhh…" _Shiiiiit. _Not good.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaah!" The distinct voice of Colette screamed, and she came thumping down the hill, barreling into Zelos, sending them both tumbling. Right into Lloyd. Zelos grinned up at Lloyd.

"Hi, Lloyd."

Lloyd raised a brow at him. "Hi."

"Zellieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" Cindi called, running down the hill. "Are you okayyyyyyyyyyyy?"

"Yeah, I'm fine." Zelos stood up and stepped on Colette's head, taking Lloyd's hand. "Come on, Lloyd, let's go back."

"Yeah."

"Oh…hey, Lloyd? Can do you do me a favor real quick?"

"Um, sure. What—"

And then Zelos kissed him. A lot less passionately as he would have liked to, but hey, whatever. At least he got a reaction from Lloyd. It included a lot of gasping and sputtering and blushing.

_Well, those aren't _bad _reactions._ He grinned cheekily at Cindi and said, "I got my fix for the night. I guess you'll have to kiss Colette or something."

The kiss had put him in a much better mood. Cindi stared dumbly after him, but not as dumbly as Lloyd. Actually, Lloyd kind of fell over backwards and hit his head on something, the kiss finally registering in his mind. Thinking that it was probably his fault, Zelos decided it was probably a good idea to catch Lloyd and take him back.

Whistling a cheery little tune, he dragged Lloyd back to the inn.

* * *

Long after everyone else was asleep, Yuan found Lloyd staring at a wall with wide eyes, chin in hands, sitting on the couch. He paused, then approached him.

"What's wrong?"

"Does it look like something's wrong?" Lloyd asked.

"Well…you're not blinking."

"Oh."

"And you're kind of staring at the wall."

"It's a nice wall."

"Not that nice."

"Uhn."

A pause. "So what happened?" Yuan said.

"I didn't expect you to actually throw Colette down the hill."

Yuan shrugged. "It seemed like a good idea at the time."

"Zelos fell into me."

"Then it was a good idea."

"And he asked me to do him a favor."

"What sort of favor?"

"And then he kissed me."

"I see, I see…WHAT?" Yuan stared at Lloyd, barely able to contain his excitement. "He kissed you? Really?"

Lloyd nodded slowly, still not blinking, staring at the wall. "I don't _get _it."

"He likes you!"

"He's got a girlfriend."

"But he doesn't like her!" Yuan was practically jumping up and down. _So close…so close to winning…_

"I don't know. I'm just…kind of confused now."

"He likes you!"

"He was probably just not in his right mind…"

"No! NO! He likes you, Lloyd!"

"I'm just gonna forget about it." Lloyd groaned, then stood up. "Night, Yuan."

"Nooooo," Yuan groaned as Lloyd went up the stairs. "So close, too…"

So close.

It was only a matter of time…

* * *

**Zelos: At first I hated this chapter because I had to go on a date with Cindi. And then I hated it more because she tried to kiss me. But then I liked it because I got to kiss Lloyd. And now I hate it again because Lloyd doesn't think it means anything… -cries-**

**Me: I couldn't make it easy for you.**

**Zelos: Why not?**

**Me: That would defeat the purpose.**

**Lloyd: What was **_**with **_**me in this chapter? HE KISSED ME! WHY DIDN'T I KISS HIM BACK?**

**Me: You were busy fainting.**

**Zelos: See, there's another reason why I hated this chapter. You made Cindi almost kill me.**

**Lloyd: I hate Cindi.**

**Me: You guys are just a bunch of whiners.**

**Mithos: No kidding! My sister died and my friends all betrayed me and everyone in the world hated me and I was a half elf and I still whined less than you two do.**

**Me: Actually…you…whine more. Every day.**

**Mithos: I do not whine!**

**Me: And you complain. You're always, like, "It hurts when you chop me in half with an axe or gut me with a spork."**

**Genis: Gee, imagine that.**

**Me: Where did you come from? I don't remember calling you in here…**

**Genis: Mithos invited me over.**

**Me: I FIRED Mithos! He's NOT allowed to do that!**

**Mithos: But everyone hates me except Genis… -cries- Genis, she's mean to me…**

**Genis: What? You jerk! Indignation!**

**Me: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaah! –sizzle- R…review…**


	17. Lack of sleep

**Genis: Does anything interesting happen in this chapter?**

**Me: Why are you still here?**

**Mithos: I need company.**

**Me: It's not like I'm forcing you to be here. In fact, I—**

**Genis: Zelos gets tortured again, right?**

**Me: Almost certainly.**

**Zelos: Why is everyone against me?**

**Lloyd: I'm not against you…**

**Zelos: Aww.**

**Me: -evil cackle-**

**Lloyd:…that's not a good sign.**

**Me: Oh, so you think!**

**Zelos: And…he'd be right.**

**Me: Mmmhm! Torture—I mean story—dead ahead.**

**Lloyd: Speaking of dead, does Cindi—**

**Me: You're a terrible person, Lloyd. **

**Lloyd: I am not. And besides, Cindi is just…evil. She's a potato alien…**

**Me: -facepalm- Lloyd…**

**Genis: Is it always like this?**

**Mithos: Usually it's worse. ACCIDENTPRONEOWNSNOTHING! Now torture Zelos.**

**Zelos: Nooo…**

**

* * *

**

In the morning, Kratos found Yuan was already out of bed, which was strange. The blue-haired seraph liked to sleep in—and drive Kratos crazy by refusing to get out of bed. He usually said it was Kratos's fault, and that was probably true. But that wasn't the point. The point was…

Right. He wasn't in bed. Kratos probably should have been grateful, but in actuality, he felt a bit cheated.

Heading outside, he found Zelos, Lloyd, and Yuan with wide, bloodshot eyes, holding large sticks, looking around wildly.

Kratos gave them all a half amused, half irritated look. "What are you—"

"IT'S THE BOOGEYMAN!" Lloyd screamed.

"NOOOOOOO!"

"DON'T KILL US! DON'T KILL US! I'LL MAKE YOU COOKIES!"

Kratos facepalmed. "I'm not a boogeyman…what are you all doing?"

"Be careful," Lloyd said warily, narrowing his eyes at Kratos and hiding behind Zelos. "It's trying to catch us off-guard…"

Zelos squinted. "Funny, it looks just like Kratos."

"NOOO!" Yuan wailed. "It ATE MY KRATTY-WATTY!" (Kratos's eye twitched at this point.)

"OH NO!" Lloyd wailed as well. "YOU ATE MY DAD!"

"What…"

"That's so evil," Zelos said, glaring a bit.

"…are you three…"

"EVIL!" Lloyd screamed. "EVILEVILEVIL!"

"…doing?"

"Good morning, Kratos!" Colette chirped, walking up.

"NOOOOOOOOOO!" Lloyd screamed, turning around suddenly. "It's—it's—IT'S THE ANGEL OF DEATH AND DOOM AND DESTRUCTION AND AAAAH!"

"Oh no!" Colette looked around anxiously. "Where?"

"Teehee! Good morning."

"AAAAAAAH!" All three screamed at the same time, grabbing onto each other in fright.

"It's…it's the worst monster known to man…" Lloyd gasped.

"Or woman."

"Or fish."

"Or anything."

"IT'S THE CINDI!" Zelos screamed, then threw himself off the Thoda Dock into the water. "AAAAAAAglubglub."

"Noooooooo! I shall save youuuuuuu!" And with that, Lloyd jumped in as well. "Brr, cold."

Kratos stopped ripping his hair out long enough to stare at Yuan, who was regarding Cindi with fear. "Yuan."

"DON'T EAT ME!"

"I'm not going to eat you. I want you to tell me what happened."

"Need coffeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" Zelos mumbled, and he and Lloyd crawled, soaking wet, across the ground, in search of nonexistent coffee.

Kratos really couldn't believe this.

"What. Happened?"

"I think we stayed up too late," Lloyd admitted, rubbing his eyes with a hand.

Kratos facepalmed again. "And _why _did you do that?"

And here Yuan jumped in. "Well…"

--Flashback--

Yuan couldn't sleep. Kratos was already asleep, the bastard, and wouldn't wake up no matter how much Yuan put whipped cream up his nose. Or maybe he was just being stubborn…

--End flashback--

"You put whipped cream up my nose?"

"You didn't wake up so I thought it would be okay. Can I continue with my story?"

Kratos rubbed his nose with a frown.

--Flashback--

So, anyway. Yuan walked from his room to a place where there seemed to be a lot of noise. Noise was good, right? And, of course, it was Lloyd and Zelos's room.

--End flashback--

"Wait. What do you mean 'of course?' We're not that loud."

"Stop interrupting me!"

"Okay, okay, geez."

--Flashback--

So, Yuan went in the room without knocking, hoping he had won the bet. It wouldn't surprise him, of course—

--End flashback--

"Wait, what bet?"

"Kratos, they're being mean!"

"Stop interrupting him."

"I was just asking—"

"Well, don't."

"Aw, thank you, Kratos!"

"Just continue with the story."

--Flashback--

But unfortunately, Yuan _hadn't _won the bet yet. Though it was only a matter of time. EVERYONE KNEW IT! Anyway, Lloyd and Zelos looked up and were like "wtf, Yuan." And then Yuan explained the situation, and they made room for him. And then the fun started.

--End flashback--

Kratos spurted water out his nose and fell to the ground, coughing.

"Not that sort of fun," Yuan clarified.

Kratos coughed some more.

"You have such a dirty mind," Zelos said with amusement, whereas Lloyd just looked confused. As usual.

--Flashback--

So anyhoo, Lloyd and Zelos and Yuan were bored. So then Yuan was all like "have you guys heard the story of the Boogeyman?" And Zelos was like "pssh, screw that. Have you heard the story of the Thief's Ghost in the Gaoracchia Forest?" And Lloyd started crying.

--End flashback--

"I did _not_!" Lloyd snapped, indignant. "That's a lie."

"Your face is a lie, Lloyd."

"Don't be mean to Lloydie," Zelos said.

"At least someone cares," Lloyd said, huggling the redhead, who tried not to squeal.

"Of course I ca—"

"Will you two _please _let Yuan finish the story? I have yet to see why—"

"…we stayed up a bit late telling scary stories," Lloyd said.

"Lloyd, I was just getting to that part!" Yuan pouted.

Kratos stared at Yuan, and then his head fell into his hands. "How late?"

"What?"

"How. Late?"

"Oh. Um, kind of all night."

"Why…"

"DON'T EAT ME!" Yuan screamed again.

"Will you…stop…screaming…"

"OF COURSE WE'RE GOING TO SCREAM!" Lloyd screamed, and Kratos rubbed his temples while Zelos nodded emphatically behind Lloyd. "You ATE MY DAD!"

"No…Lloyd, I didn't…" Kratos groaned. "You three, just…go to sleep. Cindi, Colette and I will search for the Exspheres here…"

Lloyd tilted his head. "…Exspheres?"

Zelos smacked himself. "I knew there was a reason we were on this quest!"

"Oh yeah!"

"Get some sleep. _Now_."

"Are you…not a Boogeyman?" Yuan asked curiously.

"I am not a Boogeyman. Now get some sleep!"

The three gave zombified nods and stumbled up to the inn.

Kratos groaned and rubbed his face again.

"Come on. Let's go."

"Yay!" Cindi shrieked in a high-pitched tone and hugged Colette…hard. "Come on, Colette!"

"Okay!"

"I'm so glad you didn't faint! When I hugged Zellie like that, he almost died!"

"Oh no! Well, at least Lloyd knows CPR!"

"Yeah! I'm sooo glad Zellie's not dead!"

"Me too! But I'm a super magical angel, so yeah!"

"Oh of course!"

Kratos declined to mention that he was a "super magical angel" too. Instead he ran his hands through his hair and sighed wearily.

Even Lloyd and Zelos were better than this…

* * *

Kratos had a throbbing headache by the time they found the stash of Exspheres, a few hours later. Picking them up, he sighed. Again. "All right," he said, turning. "Let's—"

And there stood our favorite crazy, homicidal large black skeleton of evilness.

"I LIKE EATING FACES!" the Sword Dancer said cheerfully. "Faces are TASTY!"

"Oh," Colette said, twirling a chakram on her finger. It flew off, spun in the air, and smacked her on the head. "Ow!"

Kratos resisted the urge to scream.

Why was nothing ever easy?

* * *

Lloyd and Zelos had awoken a half hour ago, and were now playing cards. Yuan stared out the window.

"My Kratty senses are tingling," he said suddenly. Lloyd and Zelos looked up.

"What?" Lloyd asked.

"My Kratty senses."

Zelos snorted. Lloyd gave him a look, then glanced back at Yuan.

"But…you're not Kratos. So wouldn't it be 'Yuan senses?'"

"Yuie senses," Zelos said, sniggering.

"No," Yuan said, glaring, hands on hips, though admittedly his glares weren't very intimidating. "_Kratty _senses. I sense that Kratos either has a massive headache or his life is in danger. Or his sanity. Or something. Maybe."

Lloyd and Zelos exchanged a look, sure that the sleep deprivation had taken its toll.

"It's true," Yuan declared.

"Okay."

"Really."

"Mm-hm."

"I bet you two have the same sorts of senses about each other."

Lloyd and Zelos looked at each other again then away.

"I don't know what you're talking about!"

"Yeah, really. Why would _we _have…uh…"

"I MUST SAVE MY KRATTY-HUNNY!"

Yuan charged off, smacked into the door, opened it, and charged some more. There was a loud thump-thump-thump as he fell down the stairs.

"We should probably follow him, huh?"

Lloyd nodded and put his cards down. "Yeah, probably."

"Don't fall asleep on the way."

"You either."

"Yeah, yeah."

* * *

"KRATOS MY DARLING!" A familiar voice called out. "I'LL SAVE YOU!"

Kratos covered his face with is hands, not sure whether or not he was happy Yuan had come to his rescue or not. Colette looked at him.

"Oh yay! It looks like Yuan has come!"

"Unnh."

"I don't like Binky," Cindi said decisively, as if she had just suddenly come to that decision.

"I WILL EAT YOUR FACE!" the Sword Dancer informed Yuan.

"Uh oh."

And then Kratos killed it.

Just like that. Because he's Kratos.

"Oh," Yuan said, staring at the Sword Dancer, then collapsing.

"Yuan!" Kratos dove to catch him, but Yuan's head sort of collided with his own, which did not help his headache. "I am not having a good day," he muttered, lifting Yuan and walking out, the two blondes following.

And when he got back, Lloyd and Zelos were nowhere to be found. Kratos once again resisted the urge to scream.

Lloyd and Zelos, being the lovable dolts that they are, had gotten lost.

"I think we're lost," Lloyd said for the zillionth time.

"I don't think we are."

"Then where are we?"

"Here."

"Where is here?"

"_Here._"

"But where is…"

"Okay, okay, so we're lost! Whatever!"

"Nooo!" Lloyd sobbed. "You lied to me Zelos!"

"Waaaaa! I'm sorry!" And to show how sincere he was, Zelos glomped Lloyd. A bit too hard. This caused them to lose their balance and fall into the water.

"Cold!" Lloyd shivered, pulling himself—and then Zelos—out. "Damn. We need to get back to town."

"Y-y-y-yep."

"I wonder where we are."

"Here."

"Where is here?"

"I don't know…"

"Oh."

They looked around. Zelos sneezed.

"Don't die," Lloyd murmured. "I'm sure if we just go in one direction, we'll find something."

"Yeah."

And so they walked.

And walked.

And walked.

And…walked.

And…found a dead end.

They stared. Zelos looked at Lloyd. "It's a wall," he said.

"So it is."

"That's not helpful."

"No it's not."

They stared at the wall, as if doing so would make it disappear. Sadly, though, their stares could not cause a wall to slink away. They were not Kratos.

"Well," Lloyd said. "I guess we'd better go back the way we came."

"Which way was that?" Zelos asked, looking at the many passages in front of them.

"Um…"

"We're lost."

"Yeah."

They sat down.

"Whose idea was this?" Zelos asked grumpily, still sopping wet, still shivering.

"Yours, I believe."

"No, I think it was yours."

"You know what I think?"

"I think I'm cold."

"I didn't ask you."

"Don't be so mean."

"Sorry."

They looked at each other.

"Maybe Dad'll come and find us."

"Eventually. Once he notices we're gone."

"This sucks."

"No kidding…"

* * *

**Me: And there you have it.**

**Lloyd: Oh, that's just wonderful.**

**Me: Lloyd…**

**Lloyd: o.O What?**

**Me: YOU LEARNED SARCASM! I'M SO PROUD!**

**Lloyd: Sar…casm?**

**Me: …yes, Lloyd. Sarcasm.**

**Lloyd: What's that? Is it a kind of fruit?**

**Genis: You're stupid, Lloyd.**

**Lloyd: Don't make me sad.**

**Mithos: Oh, you are sad.**

**Lloyd: Shut up! I was just saying, it's great that Zelos and I are alone and no one knows where we are!**

**Zelos: In sopping wet clothes…with no food, water, or source of heat…**

**Me: I don't think water'll be a problem…**

**Zelos: Yeah, but knowing you, you'll have there be a sudden sandstorm in the Water Seal, causing there to be, like, no water.**

**Me: Would I do that?**

**Zelos: Yes.**

**Me: You guys are so mean…**

**Mithos: WE'RE mean? Who attacks her muses with a fireaxe?**

**Me: Someone who's...not me?**

**-Silence-**

**Me: Oh…ouch…**

**Mithos: That's what I said WHEN YOU ATTACKED ME WITH A FIREAXE.**

**Me: You started it.**

**Genis: INDIGNAT—**

**Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO! REVIEW! BYE! -quick retreat-**

**Zelos: And she ENDED THIS HORRIBLY!**

**Me: -appearing- Shut up, Zelos.**

**Mithos: NOW Genis! Hit her now!**

**Genis: Indignation!**

**Me: Aaaaaaaaaaagh! -sob- Please...review... -dies-  
**


	18. Blindfolds help

**Me: There once lived a little piggy named PUMPKIN.**

**Lloyd: Are you feeling okay?**

**Me: -cheerfully- No! No, I'm not!**

**Mithos: You're so weird.**

**Me: I know! But, hey, whatever. I was feeling depressedish for awhile, but I think I'm okay now.**

**Lloyd: Depression isn't good.**

**Me: Next time I get depressed, I'm just gonna listen to all your wonderful, cheestastic speeches and get it over with quickly, instead of just moping around and wondering why life sucks so much for, like, days.**

**Lloyd: My speeches aren't cheestastic…**

**Me: No! Cheesiness is a good thing, right?**

**Zelos: Not really…**

**Me: Like the seventh Dwarven Vow!**

**Genis: Love and goodness will always win!**

**Me: EXACTLY! Lloyd's favorite vow!**

**Mithos: -shifty eyes-**

**Lloyd: I HATE that saying! You know that!**

**Me: But, Lloyd! Love and goodness will always wiiiiiiiiiiiin!**

**Zelos: I think she's back to normal.**

**Lloyd: Um…yeah.**

**Me: That's why I love Lloyd! –glomps Lloyd-He always makes me feel better.**

**Zelos: It's my job to glomp Lloyd…**

**Lloyd: Your face always makes you feel better. Wait…that's not even an insult.**

**Genis: Ahahahahahaha!**

**Me: Heheheh. Someone disclaim me!**

**Mithos: Does Zelos die in this chapter?**

**Me: No! Of course not. I could never kill Zelos. It's why I never take the Kratos path. Plus I went into Zelos-withdrawal as soon as he died. I almost cried. Kratos just…isn't as interesting. More useful, maybe. More badass, maybe. But he's…boring.**

**Zelos: I…don't even know whether that was a compliment or not…**

**Mithos: Does Lloyd die in this chapter?**

**Me: I can't kill Lloyd either. He's just way too awesome to die.**

**Lloyd: What about Cindi? She dies, right? Right?**

**Me: …maybe.**

**Lloyd: Is that a yes?**

**Me: …she goes through hideous pain, at the very least.**

**Lloyd: YESSSSS!**

**Zelos: Geez, Lloyd.**

**Me: Okie dokie, someone disclaim me!**

**Genis: Accident prone owns nothing.**

**Me: Hell yeah.**

**

* * *

**

"Nooooooo…" Zelos mumbled in his sleep. "The shiny rainbow fish…" Then he jolted awake and looked at Lloyd. "I had this weird dream about those evil fish…"

Lloyd pointed. "That was no dream," he said, voice shaking.

Zelos looked at where Lloyd was pointing and gasped in horror. For BEHOLD! There were some evil shiny rainbow fish CRAWLING OUT OF THE WATER ALL AROUND THEM AIEEEEEE!

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" the two of them screamed in unison as the fish reached them, closing their eyes and cowering.

* * *

Upon hearing the anguished scream, Kratos's head jerked up.

"OHOHOHO!" Yuan said, thrusting a finger into the air grandly. "It is THEM!"

"Them?" Colette repeated.

"THEM!"

"Who?" Cindi asked.

"THEM!"

"WHAT THEM?"

"THEM THEM THEM THEM THEM!" Yuan screamed hysterically.

Kratos coughed, dumped Yuan off his lap, and strode out to find the two idiots. Yes, they drove him crazy, but they were way better than Cindi and Colette. Anyone was better than Cindi and Colette…

* * *

Kratos found Lloyd and Zelos in the deepest part of the Water Seal, grabbing onto each other and screaming hysterically.

"NO! DON'T COME ANY CLOSER!"

"STOP THEM! STOP THEM!"

"I DON'T KNOW HOOOOOOOOW! THEY'RE THE DEVIL'S SPAWN!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"YES!"

"SING! SING!"

"WHYYYYYYYYY?"

"BECAUSE IT MIGHT MAKE THEM GO AWAY!"

"But it hasn't worked on Kratos."

"BUT HE'S NOT A FISH!"

"YOU NEVER KNOW!"

"SIIIIIIIIIING!"

Then they started screaming at the top of their lungs the song that makes Kratos want to die inside. Yes. They started singing the…"Now there are, like, 84 million bottles of beer on the wall song." Kratos's eye did not twitch, however. He was too busy taking deep breaths and rubbing his temples. (And meanwhile, Yuan's Kratty senses started acting up.)

He walked the rest of the way into the room (feeling foolishly brave) and stared at them. They continued singing—if it could be called that—at the top of their lungs, screaming, sobbing, and grabbing onto each other all the while. How they managed that, no one will ever know.

"What. Are you two. Doing?"

"OH NOESEZ!" Lloyd screamed.

"SING, LLOYD, SING!"

"But Zelos! It's a GIANTASS SHINY RAINBOW FISH!"

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! KEEP IT AWAY FROM ME!"

"I'LL EAT YOU! GO AWAY! DON'T EAT ME! LEAVE US ALONE! WE'LL DO ANYTHING!"

Kratos went back to rubbing his temples, and decided it would just be easiest to knock them out and carry them. Because he's badass, that's why.

And maybe a doctor for those two would be the right way to go…

* * *

"HaahGPTH!" Lloyd sneezed.

"Lloyd! Was that you? I've gone BLIND!"

"Me too…"

"Oh, don't be silly," Cindi said cheerfully, ripping Lloyd and Zelos's blindfolds off. "You just had blindfolds on."

Lloyd and Zelos screamed in unison and grabbed onto each other again.

"IT'S A SHINY RAINBOW FISH!"

"A FUCKING GIANT ONE!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

"Don't do that," Kratos snapped, replacing the blindfolds. "According the doctor here, they have a very bad illness that makes them think everything they see is a shiny rainbow fish. As you recall, this is one of their worst fears."

"Are they gone?" Zelos asked, and his hand had, strangely enough, found its way to Lloyd's butt.

Kratos sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "You two have Ohnoyouhaveaverybadillnessthathasasuperfrickinlongnamebecauseitsmedicalanddoctorsareassholesitus."

"That sounds ominous," Yuan said.

"Are they going to be okayyyy?" Colette asked, hands flying to her mouth.

"As long as no one removes their blindfolds. We need to go to Flanoir to get a cure, but there are no boats going to—"

"Why don't we just fly?" Yuan asked.

"Oh, yessss, Yuan," Zelos said sarcastically, "let's just SPROUT WINGS AND…fly…oh."

"I don't have wings," Cindi said disappointedly.

"Oh, drat," Lloyd said, sounding very happy. "I guess we'll just have to leave her behind!"

"No no, it's okay!" Colette assured everyone. "I'll carry her."

Lloyd's head collided with Zelos's shoulder. "Noooo…"

"But wait, Lloyd and I can't fly if we have to wear these blindfolds," Zelos pointed out a bit smugly. "I guess you guys'll all have to go and leave just the two of us here!"

"Not a chance," Kratos snapped. "You'll just fly in front."

"But I don't know how to fly!" Lloyd pointed out quickly.

"Zelos will carry you. We'll teach you in Flanoir."

"Noooooooo…"

"Yes," Kratos declared.

And that was that. Because it's Kratos.

* * *

**Lloyd: You LIED TO ME.**

**Me: What?**

**Lloyd: You said Cindi would get tortured at the very least in this chapter.**

**Me: Uh…I…uh…I had my fingers crossed behind my back…**

**Genis: LIAR!**

**Me: -smacks Genis upside the head- Shut up, smartie pants.**

**Mithos: Don't hit Genis! JUDGMENT!**

**Me: -dies- Stop…killing me…please…**

**Lloyd: Oh dear.**

**My corpse: I'll be okay…probably. Oh, and thanks to SilverMoon888 for doing the nudging I needed to really finally write this…**

**Zelos: Reviews being her back to life. Or something.**

**My corpse: Exactly. They reanimate me. Like a ZOMBIE. Only I don't go "unnnnnngh!" or eat brains. Besides, I'd starve if it were just me and Lloyd. Haha. Jk, I love Lloyd.**

**Lloyd: Now I'm confused…**

**Genis: You're always confused.**

**My corpse: -smacks Genis upside the head- Don't be mean to Lloyd. He's awesome and you know it.**

**Genis: Okay?**


	19. Cured

**Me: I HAVEN'T UPDATED IN FOREVERNESS!**

**Lloyd: I know. It was nice.**

**Me: DON'T HURT MY FEELINGS!**

**Mithos: Hurt her feelings! Hurt her feelings!**

**Me: -sob- You guys are mean. **

**Zelos: Lucky you. So what torture do we go through this time?**

**Me: Oh, probably kind of a lot definitely. All my crazy has been bottled up and now IT'S GONNA EXPLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOODE!**

**Genis: o.O**

**Mithos: I know. It takes some getting used to.**

**Me: So, um…yep. There is gonna be some serious randomness in this. Probably. Try to not let your brains explode.**

**Zelos: Don't you have something to say to your reviewers?**

**Me: HAVE COOKIES! –smashes cookies against computer screen- …Well, that backfired. HAVE FLOWERS!**

**Zelos: -sigh- She means, she's very very sorry that she was a super dork and—**

**Me: I am not a dork.**

**Zelos: —forgot to update. For weeks and weeks.**

**Me: Oh yeah. Thanks Zelos. I really do feel terrible now…I better eat a cookie…except I smashed all my cookies against my computer screen. **

**Mithos: Does that mean you can't see?**

**Me: I CAN SEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!**

**Genis: What is this?**

**Me: SOMEONE DISCLAIM ME! **

**Mithos: She owns nothing!**

**Me: Right! Now! ONTO TEH STORYYYYYYYYYYY!**

**Genis: I…I don't get this…**

**Lloyd: It's okay, neither do we…**

**Me: I'M SO HYPER!**

**Zelos: We…noticed.**

**

* * *

**

"THE FISHES ARE TRYING TO EAT MEEEEE!" Lloyd screamed at the top of his lungs, running in circles in the snow.

"OH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Zelos wailed, somewhat sympathetically.

"OH YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES!"

"HOW TERRIBLE!"

"I KNOW!"

"You shouldn't clench your jaw so much," Yuan informed Kratos. "It's not good for you."

"I have a headache," Kratos muttered.

"Teehee!" Cindi shrieked. "Zellie Wellie is soooo cute!"

"And Lloyd too!" Colette agreed.

"THE FISH WILL EAT YOU IF YOU CALL ZELOS 'ZELLIE WELLIE' AGAIN!" Lloyd roared at a tree.

"Look at people when you're talking to them," Yuan said.

"I thought this was a people," Lloyd said, stretching out a hand to touch the tree. "HOLY CRAP CINDI HAS ROUGH SKIN!"

Cindi bristled. "That's a tree."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"Oh."

Kratos groaned and started massaging his temples. "I need painkillers…"

"I know!" Yuan said cheerfully. "I'm going to make a snowman now."

"Have fun."

"What, you don't like the snow?"

"Not particularly…"

"You're no fun."

"So sorry for not being _fun_."

"DON'T EAT MEEEEEEEE!" Lloyd begged of the tree, falling to his knees.

"DON'T DIEEEEEEEEEE!" Zelos shouted, flinging himself heroically at the tree, which might not have been such a good plan while blindfolded, as he smacked headfirst into the tree and knocked himself out.

"Zelos? DID THE FISH EAT YOU?"

Zelos of course did not respond.

"NOOOOOOOOO! ZELOS! Kratos, I need a life bottle."

"Just kill me now," Kratos said, trying once again to beat himself senseless.

"We should probably, uh, try and find them a cure, huh?"

"Yes, Yuan, that might be a good plan."

"They're going to hurt themselves."

"They already have…"

* * *

"Take this medicine once a day for the next week. As long as you're taking it once every twenty-four hours, the, ah…shiny rainbow fish hallucinations should be gone." The doctor looked at them sympathetically, though it was more of a look of pity that said 'Holy carp on a stick, you guys have issues.'

"So we can take these stupid blindfolds off, right?" Lloyd asked, fingering the black cloth.

"Take the medicine first."

"My head hurts," Zelos said mournfully.

"Aw, poor Zellie," Cindi cooed, coming up from behind the unsuspecting Zelos to give him a hug that no one could escape unless they were really, really, really desperate. Which Zelos was, of course.

"Aieeeeeeeeeeee!" Zelos screamed. "A FISH IS TRYING TO KILL ME!"

"I'm not a fish," Cindi promised.

"AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

Lloyd snarled a bit, and yanked her off Zelos, tossing her skillfully into a tree.

Colette giggled. "It's nice to see your eyes again, Lloyd!"

He wearily rubbed the side of his head and sighed. "It's nice to see, period."

Zelos ripped the blindfold off. "I CAN SEEEEEEEEEE!"

"Aaaaaah!" Cindi shrieked as she fell from the tree and about a ton of snow fell on her face. Lloyd looked uncharacteristically smug.

"Lloyd!" Zelos proclaimed, tossing an arm around the brunet. "Let us celebrate the returning of our sanity and take a walk in the snow!"

"O-okay…"

"What sanity?" Kratos muttered. Yuan patted him on the arm.

"It's okay, Kratos. We know you're just jealous because they have sanity and you don't."

"They do _not _have sanity."

"We do too!" Zelos shouted, and Lloyd gave him a quizzical look before shrugging it off.

* * *

"Are you okay, Cindi?" Colette asked.

"I don't like Lloyd," Cindi said with a pout. "I think he's evil."

Colette frowned. "Lloyd's not evil."

"He's got to be. Why else would he be trying to seduce _my _Zellie Wellie?"

Colette shrugged. "Maybe he's just really friendly."

Cindi pouted. "I think we should just kill him and leave him in a ditch."

"No!" Colette cried in horror. "That would be terrible!"

"I guess. Anyway," Cindi said, suddenly cheering up, "Let's find them, okay? And then I can grab Zellie and you can grab Lloyd and…"

"That's a good plan," Colette agreed, and they were off, cackling evilly like any other wicked witchs.

* * *

Zelos and Lloyd hid behind a mound of snow and watched the two blondes approach, shuddering.

"They're cackling evilly," Zelos muttered. "That can't be good."

"They've probably got some nefarious plan in mind."

"Oh, definitely. The only question is, what?"

They watched the girls approach. Lloyd frowned. "Maybe Cindi's going to try and go on another date with you?"

Zelos shivered. "No. No way. I'm not going."

"But Cindi will die if you don't—"

"Lloyd," Zelos said, sounding every bit the wise mentor. "Let me tell you something about girls. They're much more cunning and evil than they let on."

Lloyd looked at the arm that was around his shoulders, unable to really concentrate on anything else. "Oh?" he finally managed.

Zelos nodded. "Oh yes," he said. "You see, this is Flanoir. What do you see around you?"

"Um…" Lloyd looked around. "Snow?"

"Yes, Lloyd. Snow. And what is snow?"

"Um." Lloyd's brow furrowed. He remembered Raine saying _something _about snow, but couldn't remember it. "I don't know."

"It's _cold_."

"Oh." Feeling a little foolish, Lloyd nodded. "Okay. So?"

"So," Zelos continued, "girls will use this to their advantage."

"They will?"

Zelos nodded. "They will shiver and say they're cold. And then if you don't put your arm around them, they will treat you like you're the worst scum on earth and tell all their girl friends about it, and then _everyone _will treat you like you're the worst scum on earth."

"That's kind of evil."

"Yes, it is. And you know what else they'll do?" Zelos's voice was a whisper now. The two blondes—who seemed more and more terrifying to Lloyd every moment—were drawing closer.

"N-no…"

"They'll trip and fall in the snow and get soaked, and then conveniently realize that they have no more clothes. Then they'll demand some of yours. They'll want to snuggle under a blanket in front of the fire. They'll want to sleep in the same bed as you. _All because of the snow_." Zelos paused to let this sink in. "You see why I don't like snow now?"

Lloyd nodded dazedly. "So…um…oh. What are you going to do?"

"The question is what are _we _going to do?"

"We?"

"Colette seems like the exact type to 'accidentally' trip and get all her clothes soaked and then giggle like it was a mistake, doesn't she?"

Lloyd stared at Colette. Actually, yes, he could imagine that. "Oh…"

"We're both in danger."

"Oh," he said faintly.

"I vote we hide out until they're g—"

"Aha!" Cindi cried, pointing. "I see you, Zellie!"

Lloyd bared his teeth and snarled at her.

"Oookay, I think we need a new plan."

Still growling a little, Lloyd grabbed some snow and packed it into a snowball. "I say we attack Cindi—I mean them—with snowballs and then run like hell."

Zelos pursed his lips. "Well…we could just run…"

Too late. Lloyd's snowball had already hit Cindi squarely in the face. Cindi squealed, and obviously not in delight.

"Aaaah! Snow in my ear!"

Cackling evilly, Lloyd started another snowball. Zelos eyed him, then started on his own snowballs.

Why not?

* * *

Kratos and Yuan were sitting in the comfortably warm little inn, sipping coffee and tea, glad it was finally quiet, when Lloyd and Zelos crashed in, breathing hard.

"Take off your shoes," Kratos said, not even looking up from his newspaper. "And get into some dry clothes. We don't want you catching hypothermia."

"Okay, okay," Zelos muttered, and the two of them went into their inn room.

Yuan was grinning at him. "You realize you just encouraged them to get undressed together?"

"Yes," Kratos said evenly, forcing himself not to panic. "They're…not interested in each other."

"Mm-hm. Keep telling yourself that, Kratos."

"I always do."

Lloyd and Zelos entered the room again.

"Where are Cindi and Colette?" Yuan asked. Zelos and Lloyd looked at each other.

"In the middle of a giant snowball that we rolled down a hill and crashed into them. For some reason it just kept rolling…"

"Still playing in the snow."

Kratos glared at the two of them, who grinned innocently.

"Do they have any muffins?" Lloyd asked, opening the cupboards.

And while Zelos, Lloyd, Yuan, and Kratos sat in the comfortable inn, Cindi and Colette struggled to melt the giant snowball their torsos were caught in using magic. Of course, it didn't go that fast, especially considering Colette doesn't know that many fire spells.

That plan of theirs had certainly backfired.

* * *

**Me: I'm so happy! I finally got this written! That was the longest time I ever went ever without updating this. Which sucks, because I like writing random crap. **

**Zelos: And making us suffer for it.**

**Me: Hey, stop complaining. I think you and Lloyd get together next chapter.**

**Lloyd: Really?**

**Me: Probably. I actually mean it this time. Anyway, at least I finally finished this. It was terrible, I had this evil writer's block. And now it's OVER (for now) so I've been spending the last, like, four days of vacation before school starts to write. It's been like a solid writing day for me…**

**Lloyd: Well…**

**Me: I'm listening to ToS music. It makes me happy.**

**Zelos: Why are you so random?**

**Me: I'm not! By the way, I finally got my Tales of the Abyss game back from my annoying cousins!**

**Lloyd: Uh…we're…happy for you…?**

**Me: You should be.**

**Mithos: This doesn't mean you're going to forsake us, right? You aren't gonna just stop torturing Lloyd and Zelos, right?**

**Me: Of course not! Tales of Symphonia is where my heart is. I'll replay it after I finish Tales of the Abyss.**

**Zelos: We're cooler, right?**

**Me: Oh, hell yes. You guys are so much more awesomer. Though the Tales of Legendia people are pretty awesome too…**

**Lloyd: NUUUUUUUU! DON'T FORSAKE US!**

**Me: I won't, I won't! Geez, Lloyd, calm down. **

**Zelos: Lloyd…you realize if she doesn't forsake us, we'll just get tortured more?**

**Lloyd: But we haven't gotten together yet in this story!**

**Zelos: Oh…yeah…didn't think of that…**

**Me: So, review guyz! I really will update soon this time…**


	20. Altamira

**Me: Oh man, I am sososososososo very sorry for the—**

**Mithos: Mission abort! Mission abort!**

**Me: --late—**

**Zelos: We all live in a yellow submarine, yellow sub—**

**Me: --update.**

**Lloyd: I killed Cindi again…oh. Hi. You're back.**

**Me: Uh huh.**

**Zelos: What she's back?**

**Me: Hi.**

**Zelos: That's weird.**

**Me: Shut up.**

**Lloyd: What should I do with Cindi's head?**

**Me: Why are you asking me?**

**Lloyd: I was thinking of using it as a soccer ball.**

**Me: o_O Um…oh…okay…oh man. It's been awhile, huh?**

**Genis: Yep.**

**Me: Okay. Okay. Sorry. I'm not dead.**

**Zelos: Why is she sorry she's not dead?**

**Mithos: Maybe she's depressed because she hasn't been writing this terrible excuse of a story.**

**Me: No, I'm sorry that I haven't updated. And I'm not dead. As in, I'm still alive. Now, will someone disclaim me already?**

**Headless Cindi: Teehee! Accident prone owns nothing!**

**Me: …how can she talk if she's headless?**

**Zelos: Don't question. It's your story. Write.**

**Me: Okay…I hope I haven't lost my touch for writing this...it's been awhile**

**Mithos: What, your touch of insanity?**

**Me: *glare*  
**

* * *

"Coffeecoffeecofee," Zelos said hyperly. Lloyd, used to this by now, just continued eating every muffin in sight. All of Kratos's hopes for sanity flew out the window and died from the cold outside.

"Where's the coffee?" he grumbled, glaring around. Unfortunately for him, Zelos and Lloyd were impervious to it by now.

"IdrankitandLloydisaMUFFINMAN!"

Kratos stared at Zelos. "You drank my coffee?"

Zelos let out a garble of syllabuls that only served to confuse Kratos further. Something about how coffee was wonderful and amazing and great and how he could slay a dragon or Sheena, which was basically the same thing and--

"We should go to AltamiraTHEREARE_GIRLS_THERE."

"He's hyper," Lloyd said calmly, pulling a pumpkin muffin apart with the care of a brain surgeon. Or like someone obsessed with muffins. "He thinks we should go to Altamira. And yes, he drank all your coffee. Hide the next batch from him."

Kratos snatched the cup of coffee from Zelos's hands and, ignoring the pitiful look he got, drank the whole thing in one gulp.

"Hetookmycoffee," Zelos pouted. "NowHEMUSTDIE."

"Good morning!" Colette squealed, tripping down the stairs and almost getting a concussion but instead rolling to trip Zelos, who fell over backwards and hit his head on the ground.

"He better not be dead," Lloyd said.

"Oh, no. I'm so sorry, Lloyd."

"I'M NOT THE ONE YOU ALMOST KILLED!"

"I'm sorry, Zelos."

"He can't hear you."

"Oh no!"

Kratos considered getting drunk.

"Good morning!" Cindi said with a squeal. Then she saw Zelos on the ground and her hands clapped to her mouth. "OH NO! ZELLIE WELLIE!"

"Kratos, watch!" Yuan sang from the top of the stairs. "I'm going to jump all the way down!"

"Yuan," Kratos groaned.

"!" Yuan bellowed and jumped, slamming his head again the ceiling and crashing on top of Zelos. "Wow, Krats Krats, it's like you're psychic. You put a cushion here and everything."

"THAT'S ZELOS," Lloyd all but screamed.

"So it is," Yuan said.

"He better not be dead."

"I'll give him mouth to mouth!" Cindi squealed.

"If you do that, I'll have to kill you," Lloyd snapped.

"Why are you so meeeeeeeeeean to me?"

"You're evil," he grumbled under his breath.

"What?" she said cluelessly.

"Zelos thinks we should go to Altamira," Lloyd told Yuan.

"Oh, that's a good idea. They have girls there."

Kratos glared.

"Only kidding, darling!"

That didn't seem to help. Kratos's glare only intensified.

"You seem cranky," Yuan said.

"Zelos drank all my coffee."

"All of it?"

"Yes."

Yuan whistled. "Wow. That's pretty intense."

"He was very hyper," Lloyd said. "Now will you get off him?"

Yuan did. They all stared at Zelos, who just lay there.

"If any of you killed him, I'll kill you," Lloyd warned anyone who was listening, but no one was.

"Ooh, pumpkin muffin," Cindi said.

"THAT'S MY MUFFIN."

"Are you okay, Kratty?"

"NO."

"We should go to Altamira. They have girls there." That was a slightly dazed Zelos.

"Zelos! You're alive!" Lloyd helped him up. "No brain damage, right?"

"It's not like we'd be able to tell anyhow," Kratos muttered.

"He's cranky," Zelos said.

"You drank all his coffee."

"Where are the muffins?" Yuan demanded.

"Maybe we should have saved him one," Lloyd said.

"There were thirty muffins in here," Yuan sobbed.

"Lloyd's a muffin man."

"Shut up, Zelos."

"We're going to Altamira," Kratos said decisively. Everyone looked at him in surprise, but the thought process had been very simple in his mind: Altamira has girls and other many things that can distract four certain insanity bringers so that he might get some sanity time. For Zelos, there was the casino. And girls. For Lloyd and Colette, there was the amusement park. And, well, Cindi could tag along with them. And besides, Altamira was the ideal place for a date for Zelos and Cindi! And Lloyd and Colette.

"Yaaaaaaaaaaaay!" Yuan and Zelos cheered, and they were off.

* * *

"Don't kill them, Kratos. Remember, Lloyd is your son." Yuan patted Kratos's arm. "Repeat after me…murder is wrong. Murder is wrong…"

"I think there are exceptions."

"Sixty four million, three hundred eighty four thousand, thirty two bottles of beer on the wall, sixty four million, three hundred eighty four thousand, thirty two bottles of beer, take one down, pass it around—"

"You could sing with them," Yuan suggested, having to yell over their loud singing.

"They're singing out of tune, Yuan. _Out of tune_!"

"Yes, I know."

"Ooooh, ooh, Lloyd! Look, the amusement park!" Colette grabbed Lloyd's ribbons and flew towards it (literally). "Come on, come on!"

"Gaack," he gasped. "Can't…sing!"

Kratos breathed a sigh of relief.

"Lloydie, wait!" Zelos called, running after them.

"Hurry!"

"Ohmigod, Zellie Wellie, don't leave me behind!"

The Ferris Wheel man stared at the four psychos who had just shoved their way through the line to sit happily in the carraige thing.

"Uh, you have to pay."

"Yaaaaay! Ferris wheels!" Colette clapped.

"I _love _Ferris wheels!" Cindi squealed in agreement. Zelos and Lloyd exchanged a long look and sighed.

"Bill the king or something," Zelos said tiredly. The Ferris wheel man looked like he wanted to argue, but then thought better of it, and slammed the door on them. Within seconds the wheel started moving.

"Yay! Let's do the Wave!" Cindi squealed. "Wheeeeeeeeeeee!"

"Wheeeeeeeeeeeee!" Colette echoed.

"Hey, no one else is doing the Wave. I wonder why?"

"I don't know. That's weird, huh?"

"Yeah…"

Lloyd whimpered.

"Hey…Lloyd…you don't look too good," Zelos said. Lloyd actually looked kind of green.

"Don't like heights," he managed, looking at how far away the ground was. "I bet Genis could tell me just how much I'd splatter if I hit the ground if he were here."

"It's okay, Lloyd!" Colette chirped. "I'd catch you!"

Lloyd gave her a look. "Great," he said bleakly.

The Ferris wheel chose that moment to stop completely.

"Wow, look at the view!" Colette said.

"This is not happening."

"It's okay, Lloyd; I think it stops before going in the other direction…" _Probably, _Zelos added mentally.

"…this is _not _happening."

"Deep breaths, Lloyd. Deep breaths."

"I'm gonna dieeeee. And it's so cliché."

"We're not going to die."

"Why couldn't Mithos have killed me? That's a much better end."

Cindi and Colette were bored, so they started rocking the carriage. Lloyd turned steadily paler and greener at the same time.

"Over the side, Lloyd. Throw up over the side, not in my lap. These are white pants, see?"

Cindi then had a rather evil plan. You see, she recalled that Zelos had wings. And so she "fell" (jumped) over the side, crying, "Oh no! Zellie Wellie, don't let me die!"

"Don't tempt me," he muttered, and then noticed that somehow Cindi had crashed into Lloyd, sending them both over the edge.

"Oh no!" he and Colette said at the same time, and both jumped over the side to rescue the red-clad swordsman. Who had fainted. Colette grabbed Lloyd by his ribbons and Cindi by her curls.

"Owieeeeeeeeee," Cindi whined.

"DON'T KILL LLOYD," Zelos shouted as Colette landed.

"I'm okay!" she said to the Ferris Wheel man, who was gaping at her.

"Big whoop," Zelos muttered, then hurried to follow her as she dragged Lloyd across the ground.

* * *

**Me: Well, there. I wrote the next chapter.**

**Zelos: You're so mean to poor Lloydie.**

**Me: Uh huh! **

**Lloyd: I almost died…**

**Me: Yep. Colette's evil. So's Cindi…**

**Mithos: I suppose you're back for good now.**

**Me: Yeah, probably.**

**Mithos: I guess that means you want reviews.**

**Me: Ooh, yeah, that'd be awesome.**

**Lloyd: I'd like to not get tortured, but do I ever get that? Nooo…**

**Zelos: It's okay, Lloyd, she tortures me, too.**

**Mithos: Me, too, and I'm not even in the story.**

**Me: Ha, ha.**

**Mithos: I could kill you.**

**Me: Yep.**

**Lloyd: Why do Colette and Cindi never get tortured as much as I do?**

**Me: Good question. But I did torture them last chapter, remember?**

**Lloyd: Yeah…and now they're okay.**

**Me: I know. You guys always end up being okay. Even if you basically almost die. Even Kratos is okay, wheras in normal circumstances he'd have become an axe murderer and gotten executed. Or he'd kill himself.**

**Lloyd: Well then.**


	21. Confession

**Me: And the Torture Lloyd Saga continues!**

**Lloyd: Does it have to? Really?**

**Me: Mm-hm. But it plays into the plot this time! In fact, this isn't a happy chapter at all!**

**Lloyd: Oh, great.**

**Me: I'm excited for it.**

**Mithos: Does Lloyd die?**

**Me: Almost.**

**Mithos: Does anyone die?**

**Me: Just on the inside.**

**Lloyd: I've got a bad feeling about this…**

**Me: Well, someone should disclaim me so that we can get to the torture.**

**Cindi: She doesn't own anyone. Except for me.**

**Me: Exactly. **

* * *

"Lloyd? Llllllooooyyyyyd! SPEAK TO ME!"

Colette sniffed as Zelos shook Lloyd's body. "Lloyd," she sobbed. "Why?"

"He looks kinda dead," Cindi said tactfully.

"LLLOOOOOYD!!!"

Yuan and a very drunk Kratos walked up. Well, Kratos was stumbling, actually. But still.

"I killed Lloyd!" Colette sobbed.

"Too bad," Cindi said, slurping from her Slurpie. "Want to ride on the teacups?"

"Lloyd!" Zelos screamed again. "LLOYD!"

"You killed Lloyd?" Yuan asked, surprised. "High five!"

"Don't die, Lloyd," Kratos mumbled.

"Hey," Cindi said, "maybe Colette could do CPR on him. Or whatever."

"NO," Zelos snarled.

"Try punching him," Yuan said. "How did you kill him, anyway?"

"He fell off the Ferris Wheel."

"Oh my."

"And I caught him," Colette said proudly.

"Well, at least he isn't totally squished. We can have an open casket funeral." Yuan squinted at Lloyd, and poked him. "I don't really know the protocol for this. Are we supposed to shove him at a doctor, or a mortician, or a casket maker, or what?"

"Who cares?" Zelos said, and slung Lloyd over his shoulder, walking off.

* * *

Lloyd awoke feeling like shit. Also, more than a little queasy.

"We are gathered here today, to, uh, celebrate the passing of Lloyd Irving. I mean, mourn! Mourn! DON'T HURT ME!"

Passing usually meant someone was dead…

"Okay. Anyway. Lloyd was a, uh, great person. With suspenders. And, uh, he always wore red. And had a freakish haircut. And, uh—"

_Was _a great person?

"—he was obviously gay, too. DON'T HURT ME! I'LL SUE!"

"HE OBVIOUSLY HAD THE HOTS FOR COLETTE!" Kratos' voice screeched out before it dissolved into sobs. "Why, Lloyd? WHYYYYY?"

"HE HAD THE HOTS FOR ZELOS!" Yuan snapped back.

"LIES!"

"Llllllllllooooooyyyyyyd," Zelos' voice sobbed.

"Can I eat this cake?" Cindi asked.

"NOES! NOT THE CAKE!" Yuan shrieked. "MY CAKE!"

No way were they eating cake without him. NO WAY. Lloyd stood up abruptly, and shouted, "I WANT CAKE!" This sudden action, of course, caused a spike in his already-excruciating headache, and he immediately collapsed onto the floor face-first, holding his head. "My head," he moaned in pain.

"ZOMBIE!" the priest guy screamed, and ran wailing "DON'T EAT MEEEEE!"

"We are so not paying him," Yuan said, munching on cake. Chocolate cake. Lloyd's _favorite_.

"Well, zombie Lloyd is better than no Lloyd," sniffed Zelos. "We'll take what we can get, right?"

"I'm not a zombie," Lloyd said into the carpet. "And I want cake."

With that, he fainted. _Again._

* * *

The doctor obviously thought they were idiots. "You thought he was dead?"

"He wouldn't open his eyes!" Yuan said defensively.

"My head hurts," Kratos mumbled. The doctor sighed.

"Just make him rest, all right?"

"Lloyd's not dead and not a zombie…oh what a glorious day!" Zelos sang.

"MAKE HIM REST," the doctor thundered. He coughed. "That'll be five thousand gald."

Kratos choked. "Five th—"

Yuan patted Kratos on the arm. "Murder is wrong, Kratos, don't even think about it."

"Five—five—five thous—"

"Maiming, however, is not wrong. It's actually encouraged." Yuan grinned charmingly at the doctor. "Kratos is a serial killer. …A _hot _serial killer."

Kratos groaned.

"And he's great in bed."

"Too much information," Zelos wailed, clamping his hands over his ears too late.

The doctor didn't react, other than to say, "Fifteen thousand."

Kratos whimpered.

* * *

Lloyd woke in a bed, not a casket. That was good. What wasn't good was his pounding headache, and the fact that everything was blurry.

"Lloyd?" A soft voice, and someone walked into the room. "Are you up?"

"Yeah," he said, and cracked a grin at Zelos—was it Zelos? Yeah, probably. "What happened?"

Zelos' shoulders slumped. "Lloyd, I am so sorry! I didn't know you hated heights that much! We thought you were dead! I'm so glad you're okay!"

Lloyd squinted at his friend. "Well, okay's a kind of relative word." Weird. Zelos was acting kind of like Colette. "Sorry for worrying you."

"I'm so sorry, Lloyd! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm SORR—"

"It's okay," he reassured him. "It wasn't your fault." But it had been Cindi and Colette's, he thought with a touch of resentment. He _hated _being bedridden. Almost as much as he hated heights.

"Lloyd," Zelos said quietly, and fiddled with his fingers. Lloyd tilted his head in confusion. Zelos' voice sounded kind of girly and annoying. Whatever. Maybe he had a cold. "Um…I love you…"

Funny. Zelos looked almost _blonde_. Lloyd shrugged to himself. Must be the light. And then what the ex-Chosen had said hit him. "Oh," Lloyd said. "_Oh_. Well, uh, that's good…uh…"

And then, inexplicably, he was kissing him. It was a rather clumsy kiss. Which was odd, because Lloyd distinctly remembered Zelos being an exceptional kisser. But, well, everyone had their bad days.

"Oh, Lloyd!" Zelos squealed. "I'm so happy!"

"You're my favorite Chosen in the world," Lloyd mumbled, because it was true, then promptly fell asleep.

* * *

Colette nearly skipped out of Lloyd's room, grinning brightly. "Guess what?" she squealed.

Zelos suddenly had a bad feeling. But Cindi smiled brightly and encouragingly. "What?" she squealed back.

"Lloyd just kissed me!"

_Oh_.

Yuan froze. Kratos' grin grew.

"You owe me," Kratos said smugly.

_Oh…_

"No fucking way," Yuan growled. "That's not possible."

Colette smiled. "He said I was his favorite Chosen!"

_No way._

"You can't be serious," Yuan cried.

Kratos smirked at his boyfriend. "You're just a sore loser."

"I am not! This just doesn't make sense!"

Zelos leaned heavily on the railing, trying to reorient himself. Yeah, of course Lloyd would choose Colette. Colette was the cute, blonde one who was actually a girl. Right. Okay. That made sense.

"Hey, Zellie Wellie." Cindi looked at him and smiled that evil, demonic, and somehow cuteish smile. "Aren't you going to congratulate Colette?"

"Big whoop," he snarled. _Okay, I'm being a jealous jerk. I just thought… _"Congratulations, Colette," he forced himself to say, smiling more brightly than he felt was appropriate for this situation. _I hate my life._

"I think I might die soon if I don't go on a date with you," Cindi said matter-of-factly. "Come on, let's go."

And so Zelos let himself get pulled off by her, knowing that this time there would be no rescue. Not that it mattered. At all. Not that it even mattered that Lloyd liked Colette a hell of a lot more than he liked Zelos. That was fine. Zelos had _lots _of girls who'd be beside themselves to date him. Like Cindi. Who was cute, as long as she didn't talk. And she was blonde. He'd always been partial to blondes.

_Though brunettes are great, too._

And sure, Cindi didn't have brown eyes (Zelos had an _extreme _weakness for brown eyes) but she did have fairly pretty eyes. This was fine. He could totally get used to this. He'd kind of have to. Because, well, Lloyd was apparently a lot straighter than he let on. And here he'd thought Lloyd wasn't interested in Colette. Everything Lloyd had said was…well…

Apparently Zelos had misread Lloyd. Severely. He hadn't misread someone that badly in a long time.

_He's sick. He could have not meant what he said to her_.

Zelos snorted. _Yeah right_. Even Lloyd would have a hard time mistaking Colette for Zelos.

He sighed to himself. Oh, well. Should've seen it coming, really. His own fault.

Cindi was cute. Zelos liked cute girls.

_Lloyd is cute too._

No he wasn't. Not that it mattered if he was.

_Really cute_.

Lloyd wasn't interested in him. That was the simple fact of things.

_And a great kisser. And comfortable to be around. And really, really warm…_

And not interested.

Cindi was.

He turned the charm up, and didn't try to pull away this time when she grabbed his hand.

"So," he purred. "I hear Altamira has all sorts of places to go on a date."

He could sense that Cindi was about to squeal, but somehow she restrained herself. "Ooh, really? I've never been here before. Is it really that good?"

He turned the charm up further. "Darling, I know all about 'good."'

* * *

***silence***

**Zelos: …what did you just do?**

**Me: Progressed the plot?**

**Zelos: This is terrible.**

**Me: I know.**

**Zelos: And you don't even really have a plot.**

**Me: Yeah, I know.**

**Zelos: So why was this necessary?**

**Me: Because.**

**Zelos: Review, people. So that she'll update and this will be over soon and I can cry in a corner… *slinks off***

**Me: Uh…right.**


	22. Confession, take two

**Me: Oh, holy shit. It's been awhile, hasn't it?**

**Lloyd: Yeah, a little.**

**Zelos: I can't believe you're continuing this. You put us both through torture, introduced an OC—**

**Me: Yeah, I'm really ashamed.**

**Zelos: -didn't kill her off, didn't kill **_**Colette **_**off—**

**Me: That would destroy all the tension in the story. Who do you think I am, Stephanie Meyer?**

**Zelos: She's a better writer than you!**

**Lloyd: Ouch.**

**Me: Yeah, Zelos, ouch.**

**Zelos: Well, at least she doesn't have rainbow talking fish that molest me.**

**Me: Yeah, she has no originality.**

**Lloyd: Uh we're kind of glad you're back.**

**Zelos: Oh, sure. Because we're soo eager for her to write you kissing Colette again.**

**Me: You're so mean. I'm ignoring you now.**

**Lloyd: As usual, she owns nothing.**

* * *

Zelos had actually not been on a date in a very long time. He didn't really count these outings with Cindi as dates, as he had been trying his hardest to get out of them each time, and because Lloyd had been helping quite a bit with that.

Immediately, he forced his thoughts away from that. _Don't think about Lloyd. It'll just depress you_. No sense in getting depressed with a lovely lady across from him, sticking a finger in a red curl, twirling her finger around it.

"You have really pretty hair," she said.

"Uh, thanks." Mentally, he kicked himself. What was wrong with him? No, no, don't think about it. You already know, and you're trying to forget. "So do you. It's very, um, yellow. Like some snow. That I've seen. In Flanoir."

Martel, he was messed up today. He hadn't been this dumb-sounding as a twelve-year-old. But Cindi appeared to not care as she grinned a very pretty smile and said sweetly, "That's so sweet, Zellie Wellie. Thank you so much."

_No it wasn't. And, you know…Zellie Wellie isn't actually my name._ _Lloyd never calls me Zellie Wellie._

Don't think about Lloyd.

"You know…" She paused in the twirling of her finger, letting the hair unwind a little before continuing. "…I've never met anyone who's as much of a darling as you."

"Uh huh," Zelos said skeptically, wondering exactly what this girl was on. Oh, wait, that was right—she was _blonde_. Which reminded him…"Hey, wanna hear a joke?"

"Ooh, sure."

"How do you kill a blonde?"

"Mmm…stab her?"

"Well, that's one way."

"Hang her? Decapitate her? Shove her in a burning building?" Her eyes had caught a maniacal glint, and if Zelos were having a bit of a better day, he might be thinking of escape routes right now. "Tie her up and put her on train tracks? Shove her off a plane without a parachute?" She started grinning. "Rip her hair off with your bare hands and then stop her screaming by choking her with it?"

_Okay, I am officially scared. _It really was a bummer that Lloyd wouldn't be coming to bust him out of this one. And it really was a bummer that Cindi was wrapping his hair so tightly around her finger. No escape. He leaned forward to alleviate some of the pressure.

"No," he said slowly. "You tell her there's a scratch 'n sniff at the bottom of a swimming pool."

She giggled. "That is so _funny_."

_Yeah_, he thought sourly. _Especially since I was kind of hoping you'd get pissed and slap me and run off like any sane girl would_. _Ha, ha._ Kratos had really gotten a barracuda.

What was he doing, anyway, trying to get rid of her like this? He'd never in life done anything like this. Maybe the problem was with him, and not her. He really needed to get more into this date.

His neck was now craned way too close to her for comfort. He started to lift his head away, but she tightened her finger on his hair.

"You've got to have the prettiest lips," she told him, and as her little hand rubbed his knee, his mind went blank with horror. This was never going to work.

"Uh," he said, unable to think of anything else to say.

Her lips quirked up at this show of eloquence. "Why, Zellie," she said. "You seem to be at a loss for words."

"Yeah, imagine that," he muttered, wishing Lloyd were here.

* * *

It was an absolutely glorious morning. Lloyd was smiling as he sat up out of bed. Cautious, because of the headache, but it was only a dull throb behind his ears now. He glanced at the window, half expecting the sun to be shining and birds to be singing, to correspond with his mood, but it was dark outside. Lloyd shrugged. Oh, well. It was a glorious night, then.

Really, everything seemed to be going right. Maybe not everything. He hadn't gotten any cake, and his own father had thought he was dead. But other than that, everything was completely fantastic.

Zelos liked him. _Him_. The man he'd been pining after and admiring and smiling over this whole time liked him. And really, could you get much better than that?

Lloyd found himself wondering if it were a clear night, and if so, did Zelos know any of the constellations? He hadn't been looking up at the night sky much recently, and he wondered if the constellations were different now. Were there halves of constellations that found their other half, rejoining after thousands of years apart as if they'd never been ripped in half? Were constellations that looked pretty before now beautiful, gorgeous, complete in a way they hadn't been before, seeming even more eternal now than they'd been before?

Shaking his head against those weird thoughts, Lloyd slid to his feet, grimacing a little. Must've been some knock to the head.

* * *

It didn't make sense. It just…didn't.

Yuan frowned, rubbing a thumb along his stiff jaw absentmindedly. Kratos had gone out to "celebrate," whooping in a most uncharacteristic way. Triumph had really gone to Kratos's head this time.

But it still didn't make sense that Lloyd would suddenly go for Colette. For one…well…she was _Colette_. Probably very sweet, but not exactly Lloyd's type, right?

No, anyone who had seen Lloyd and Zelos together would be certain that those two would end up together at some point. Kratos didn't count, of course; the seraph was eternally hopeful that his son would settle down and be normal, but it was obvious by now that Lloyd was never going to do anything "normal." Normal teenagers don't save the world and change four-thousand-year traditions to help a childhood friend.

Despite what people seemed to think, Yuan was not a big gambler. He only gambled when he knew the odds, and those odds were at _least_ 100% in his favor. He hadn't forgotten the time Mithos had accidentally gambled away most of their funds in a single night, and they'd had to go without Life Bottles for nearly a month. That was a long time, but Yuan, like an elephant, never forgot.

That was why he was so perplexed by this sudden thing Lloyd had for Colette and not Zelos. Hell, the kid had a _head injury_! Kratos had to know that he hadn't won yet! Of course, Kratos was far more stubborn than most people gave him credit for. People thought that Lloyd got his stubbornness and hotheadedness from his mother, but no. Anna had been stubborn, yes, but she had had _nothing _on Kratos.

"Morning!" Lloyd chirped, in a disgustingly good mood.

"It's night," Yuan snapped. "Why are you so cheerful?"

Lloyd grinned and shrugged. Disgustingly. Cheerful. Yuan shook his head at the strange, strange child as he rifled through the cupboards, finally coming away with an apple cinnamon muffin.

"This is the king of all muffins," Lloyd declared. "Where's Zelos?"

"On a date with Cindi. Where do you think?"

Lloyd paused halfway through taking a bite of muffin, brows coming down in a half questioning, half scowling way. He lifted his jaw from the muffin. "Why?" he said. "Why is he still…"

"Because you kissed Colette instead of him, maybe?" Yuan heard how snide his tone was, and tried to soften it. "I could have sworn you were gay," he said conversationally.

Lloyd had a look of horror on his face. "I did _what_? No I didn't! I wouldn't do that! Not without throwing up after!"

"Oh, really? Then why did she come out of your room saying you kissed her?"

The muffin forgotten, Lloyd's fingers slid down his horrified face like a car's tires on an icy road. "Oh nooo," he moaned. "I thought she was Zelos!"

Yuan didn't know whether to start laughing, scream, or…laugh. Hysterically. "You thought _what_?"

Lloyd nodded, aghast. "Yes. I was wondering why he sounded like Colette. Or why he was apologizing so much. Or why he looked blonde…"

Laughing hysterically would be a good choice, Yuan decided. "How the hell can you do that? That must've been a really hard knock to the head."

"Yeah, well." Lloyd groaned. "I can't believe this is happening. You just ruined my good mood."

"Well, you ruined mine, too."

"This is _terrible_."

"I agree completely. Go get him back."

"Where is he?"

"On a date with Cindi! On Altamira somewhere! I don't know!" Yuan snapped. "Just GO!"

"Okay! Okay!"

And that was how Lloyd Irving, known to many as a hero, ran outside in his spaceship boxers, red t-shirt, and bare feet, past a very confused Colette.

Yuan grinned.

The day was looking up already, and it was only seven in the evening.

* * *

"Potato alien, huh?" Cindi murmured in his ear, and Zelos shuddered. This girl was crazy. Crazy, possibly homicidal, and creepy as a porcelain doll. "Think you need a kiss, Prince Charming? Not like you can get one from that suspenders-wearing creep, now that he's asleep and all."

Zelos felt himself stiffen. "Lloyd is not a creep."

"Neither am I," she said. "Did you know I have an ear fetish?"

_Yes you are. Believe me, you are. _

"And I can wait," Zelos added desperately. _Please don't kiss me. I can't believe I'm thinking this. _"Lloyd is a great kisser."

Cindi made a face. "He's not right for you."

"I happen to like him a great deal."

"He only wants to get in your pants."

Zelos decided he didn't really mind that.

"Oh," he said.

"I can give you more than that."

"You know, I think I need to go now. I'm…tired."

"Kisses don't take long, Zellie."

"I'm exhausted. I need to g—"

"HAAAAIIIIIEEEEEEYAAAAAHHHHHH!"

Cindi screamed as a red-clad brunet tackled the two of them, the now-three falling to the ground with a spectacular _crash_, Zelos in the middle.

Zelos grinned. "Hiya, Lloydie. Miss me already?"

Lloyd's answer was to yank Cindi away and say in a jumble "I'm sorry I thought you were Colette I got hit really hard in the head and I'm feeling kind of messed up but not that messed up" and to kiss Zelos. Passionately.

"I think you killed my brain," Zelos said after, just then noticing that Lloyd was in his underwear, and added quickly, "in a good way."

Lloyd's lips crept up into his characteristic half-grin. "Wanna go out sometime?"

"How about now?" Zelos found himself saying, wondering how it was possible that this was real. Maybe he was dreaming right now. Maybe there was a crazy ninja on the loose and knocked him down and smacked his head into the concrete, giving him a concussion. Hey, he and Lloyd would match now.

"Okay," Lloyd said agreeably.

"Hey…you, uh, wanna put some pants on?"

"Not really. Like my underwear? They're spaceships," he said proudly.

"I can see that." Zelos grinned. Good thing Lloyd had mistaken him for Colette, and not actually had a thing for Colette. Otherwise he'd be missing Lloyd way too much.

Wait.

Lloyd had mistaken him for _Colette_?

"You mistook me for _Colette?_" Zelos cried.

"I know, I know, okay? I'm sorry!"

"How did you…why…SHE'S BLONDE!"

"And she's a girl and you're a guy, and her voice is infinitely more annoying, and she apologizes about fifty times a second while you…don't. I _know_."

Colette, a few feet away (she had followed Lloyd like the crazy stalker girl we all know she is), burst into tears. No one noticed.

"Must've been some head injury."

"People keep saying that," Lloyd said conversationally, and they were off.

"That was kinda evil of him, huh?" Cindi said, sitting up from the ground, touching the back of her head gingerly. "Ow."

"I could have sworn he liked _me_," Colette sniffed. "Not that womanizing, jerky Chosen. I could have sworn he liked blondes!"

"Me, too," Cindi said agreeably. "I could have sworn he liked girls, too. I guess we were both wrong."

"This is terrible…"

"I know," Cindi said. "I just got dumped _mid-date_. For _a guy_. A guy who wears _suspenders_. I'm beyond pissed."

Colette peeked at her friend. "You look okay."

"I know." Cindi sounded surprised. "I don't feel any urge to kill anyone, either."

"That's good."

"I guess so, yeah."

They looked at each other in silence for a moment or two.

"So," Cindi said. "Want to get coffee?"

**

* * *

Me: Yeah. I went there.**

**Zelos: Well, I'm impressed. You didn't totally fuck it all up.**

**Me: You are such an asshole.**

**Zelos: Is this the end now?**

**Me: Oh, goodness, no. I'm so not done torturing you guys. This was just a temporary break from insanity and evilness.**

**Lloyd: I liked my ninja yell.**

**Zelos: (sigh) Review or whatever so she can torture us more. Not that she WON'T ANYWAY!**

**Me: Yeah!**


	23. Happy

**Me: Okay, so, um...this chapter is kind of a transition one. It moves stuff forward. Or something.**

**Zelos: So basically it sucks.**

**Me: I'm not speaking to you. I finally get you Lloyd—**

**Zelos: After, like, twenty chapters.**

**Me: -and you're just whining. You're a whiner.**

**Lloyd: I'll be really glad when this is over so that you two can stop arguing. It hurts my head.**

**Me: Whiner whiner whiner.**

**Zelos: Okay, you know what? Let's just get this over with. She owns **_**nothing**_**. In fact, she rather sucks, because she hasn't updated this in a long time and she forgot. She is **_**lame**_**.**

**Me: Ignoring him...**

**

* * *

**

Everyone was fairly happy. Even Kratos, who even though he had lost the bet, didn't actually know yet. So yes, everyone was quite happy. Lloyd and Zelos ended up going to a math museum, and Cindi and Colette ended up getting kicked out of the coffee shop for making out too much. Who knew? But yes. It was a very happy ending, it seemed, just like a really fucked up fairy tale.

It was inevitable, then, that a plot point that didn't make sense at the time would soon come back to bite everyone in the ass.

* * *

It was quiet.

It was _quiet_.

Kratos paced back and forth. This was a new development, and strangely disturbing. He really had no idea what to do with himself when he wasn't yelling at a few irritating teenagers.

"Stop pacing," Yuan commanded, but Kratos never listened to Yuan anyway, and kept pacing.

"It's too quiet," Kratos stated, which reminded Yuan that, oh yeah...

"By the way, you lost the bet."

There were several seconds of oxymoronic, thunderous silence, punctuated by Kratos's glare.

"I WHAT!"

* * *

The only problem with a math museum, Zelos decided, was the fact that there were other people there. And they were all _nerds_. Not that Zelos had a problem with nerds. He'd been one himself before he decided to bury it deep down, with coaching from Sebastian. No one wanted a nerdy Chosen. But many of these nerds gave him and Lloyd horrifed looks. And one of the security guys had kepts snapping at them to stop groping each other, because it was disturbing the nerds, and this was a math museum, thank you very much, and there was a sex store right across the street if they were perhaps interested in that, because they really, _really _seemed to be in the wrong place.

"Give us a break," Zelos snapped back. "Lloyd is _awesome_. He took me on a date to a _math museum_."

"Just please stop groping each other."

"Fine," Zelos snarled. A lie, of course. But that was okay.

"You are so cool," he informed Lloyd.

"What?"

"Cool. You are. _Cool_."

"Oh," Lloyd said, and went back to sleep. He was good at that.

Zelos grinned and pressed his nose against the exhibit case.

A _math museum._

Lloyd was so cool.

* * *

"Well," Cindi said. "That's the fourth coffeeshop we got kicked out of. You want to try again, or just call it quits?"

"Cindi," Colette said. "Let's go find a unicorn."

"The only one I remember is the gay one that tried to kill us."

"Maybe it's in a better mood today," Colette said thoughtfully. "I just think it'd be great to ride into Iselia on a unicorn."

"You could be all 'I have a unicorn, bitches, what now?' and then get revenge on all the people who sent you to your death."

"Yeah," Colette said dreamily. Mmm, blood and carnage. She was warming up to it.

"Unicorn ho!" Cindi cried, and then they stopped and stared at each other.

"Unicorn ho?" Colette asked, and they decided to just leave it at that.

* * *

And far away, an evil being of evil—yes, even eviller than Cindi—crunched its evil foot of evilness into the ground of Altamira.

"Umm...hi," one of the bunny ladies said. "Can I help you?"

"I'm just about to destroy the world is all," the evil one said conversationally. "Can you do me a big favor and let Lloyd Irving know? I really need him to do the hero thing for my nefarious plan to work. I was gonna behead his childhood friend and throw her at his feet, but then I realized that that would only mildly irritate him, so that was kind of out of the question."

The bunny lady started backing away.

"Oh, and can you be sure to remind him where I am? I'll be in Iselia, killing everyone. Tell him—this is really important, so don't forget—tell him that there's no point in trying to rescue everyone, because it's useless and blah blah blah. You get the drift? Okay, good. Laters!"

"Umm," the bunny lady said, unsure of what to do now.

"Oh yeah!" the evil person scooted over to the nameless lady again. "I almost forgot! I'm Letram, goddess of ditziness. 'kay, I'm outta here."

And _then _she was gone.

No one remembered her.

Not even Colette remembered Letram, the goddess of ditziness, which was pretty sad, because Letram was the one who had kidnapped Colette way back when in chapter five or something.

And therefore, Letram was going to do the stereotypical evil bad guy thing and try and kill everyone Lloyd cared about. Iselia was good enough, she'd decided, because she didn't really feel up to destroying the whole world at once. And besides, the people of Iselia were dumb. Should be easy enough.

Lloyd Irving shouldn't pose too much of a threat. And besides, she thought, with a stereotypically evil cackle, this should teach him to forget major villains in an otherwise plotless story.

* * *

***silence***

**Zelos: ...you suck.**

**Me: I know, okay? I told you it was a transition chapter.**

**Zelos: You introduced **_**two **_**OCs.**

**Me: They're essential for plot.**

**Zelos: And you just decided to have plot. Didn't you? **_**Didn't you**_**?**

**Me: Actually? I've been planning this. For, like, fifteen chapters. So there.**

**Zelos: Yeah, the "plot twist" just so happens to "shock" me. I am "shocked."**

**Me: Shut up, okay? Another update should be coming soon. Life has just been blargh. (Also I forgot this was here...)**

**Zelos: Yeah, that's right. You are lame.**

**Me: If I cared, I would cry. But I don't. So there. Later, y'all!**


End file.
